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Living In a World of Fire and Ice

For years I remember having feelings that I thought were normal. I was wrong. For years I suffering from bipolar disorder. It went untreated far too long. Things didn't get bad until the summer between 9th and 10th grade. That was my hell summer. It's strange I have a wonderful family, and the best friends in the world. Even with all of this I didn't want to live. It was nearing the the end of July and I reached the end of my rope. Throughout the summer I had been taking small overdoses, testing my limits. I have a very high limit. It was a hot night. I went to the medicine cabinet and grabbed a big bottle of Extra Strength Tylenor, 500mg. I dumped a handful into my hand, put the bottle up and returned quietly to my room. I played the works of Chopin, music I now associate with wanting to die, with despair. I got a tall glass of water, a tall glass of milk and a tall glass od kool-aid. I took 76 of the pills, one by one. I later learned that it took 26 to kill you. I turned out the lights, layed down with the window open, a warm breeze saying good bye. Then a while later I was found and rushed to the hospital, then life lined to another hospital. At the second hospital I met my arch nemesis, a woman psychiatrist that treated me like dirt. Called me a liar, said that I was bull ******** her. I will always remember. My aunt came. Then my grandparents. All with one question: "Did you really want to die?" I did. My grandma was a wreck. My grandmother has bipolar disorder I and has tried to commit suicide on numerous occasions. Not in my life though. My grandfather was reliving memories that he had locked away. My mother and my aunt having to relive finding my grandma after taking 500 anacins. Plus my dad, his mom had bipolar disorder I, his dad in the depths of depression had a successful suicide attempt. I was taken to an inpatient adolescent psychiatric facility. I met my life savers, a new friend, my present psychiatrist, and a wonderful therapist. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type one. Obviously I inherited it. I was started on 25mg of Seroquel, worked my way up to 1000mg. The Zyprexa, the Risperdal, now I am on 1000mg of Depakote ER, it is not working. About 5 weeks ago I took another overdose, 25 25mg sleeping pills. It did nothing but disorient me. My doctor told my parents to watch me closely. That has passed. But lately my suicidal impulse has been awoken. It is so strong. Though I don't want to put my family through another ended life.

MoonRain MoonRain 18-21, M 5 Responses Apr 13, 2008

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Hello. I'd like to say that I totally relate to losing favorite music due to associating it with wanting to die. That sucks. But that's not why I'm writing you. I wanted to know what your spiritual beliefs are. If you are very open-minded and are willing to go the lengths to not attempt anymore, I would seriously consider some forms of alternative therapy since you aren't responding to your meds. Wherever you live, I'd recommend searching for your local: acupuncture; acupressure; reiki master; and a past-life regression therapist. I've used all these methods to help heal my mind/body/soul in conjunction with anti-depressants. The thing is, most alternative therapy doesn't deal with insurance and therefore can be costly. Buy when it's your livelihood at stake, trust me, it's worth it. Good luck.

Coming out of the closet has somewhat helped alleviate some pressure.

I just reread the story I wrote. It is sooooooo old. I have gone through 3 new doctors since then. Gone through EVERY atypical anti-psychotic. I now take Depakote, 1000mg. Lithium, 1000mg, Lamictal, 1000mg, Zoloft, 2mg, BuSpar, Idk. I was supposed to see my doctor today but he called in sick. I was furious when I heard my appt was cancelled. I have been secretly hiding my medicine. That has caught up with me. I may have to go back to the hospital. I am almost to the point of being treated in an adult unit. My illness is MUCH worse and they said that my bipolar disorder is going to get worse with age. Do the genetics it hit me directly from both sides of my family. I have a seperate psychotic disorder like schizophrenia. I feel bitter when we discuss genetics in psych class. I am minoring in psych in college. I just need to take my meds, attend my therapy. Work along with the therapies I design on my own and pray.

I like the ending pun. :-) I do try to rationalize more. My therapist has gone over it with me. I recently had a suicide attempt. It is the result of distorted thinking. I have psychosis and I get caught in a world of black and white. Thank you for the positive words.

Type your comment here..Death is inevitable. So why don't you just live your life and make the best of it until the inevitability of death comes knocking on you door? Because your life is pain. Sometimes it can seem that absolutely nothing at all will ever ever begin to have the faintest glimmer of light shine down upon it. But just hang in there and don't kill yourself. If only to keep your family and friends from harm, don't do it. If the only reason that you have to live is to make someone else feel good that you are alive then don't do it. That makes us better than anyone else. Because we are living for others but yet we are suicidal. And they are living for themselves and have everything in the world, including happiness. Who is the better person in this picture? I think it's quit obvious. Because I too am suicidal at times but I try to rationalize my situation and the situation of others in order to keep myself alive. You hang in there! And I don't mean by a rope. (: