Living In a World of Fire and Ice
For years I remember having feelings that I thought were normal. I was wrong. For years I suffering from bipolar disorder. It went untreated far too long. Things didn't get bad until the summer between 9th and 10th grade. That was my hell summer. It's strange I have a wonderful family, and the best friends in the world. Even with all of this I didn't want to live. It was nearing the the end of July and I reached the end of my rope. Throughout the summer I had been taking small overdoses, testing my limits. I have a very high limit. It was a hot night. I went to the medicine cabinet and grabbed a big bottle of Extra Strength Tylenor, 500mg. I dumped a handful into my hand, put the bottle up and returned quietly to my room. I played the works of Chopin, music I now associate with wanting to die, with despair. I got a tall glass of water, a tall glass of milk and a tall glass od kool-aid. I took 76 of the pills, one by one. I later learned that it took 26 to kill you. I turned out the lights, layed down with the window open, a warm breeze saying good bye. Then a while later I was found and rushed to the hospital, then life lined to another hospital. At the second hospital I met my arch nemesis, a woman psychiatrist that treated me like dirt. Called me a liar, said that I was bull ******** her. I will always remember. My aunt came. Then my grandparents. All with one question: "Did you really want to die?" I did. My grandma was a wreck. My grandmother has bipolar disorder I and has tried to commit suicide on numerous occasions. Not in my life though. My grandfather was reliving memories that he had locked away. My mother and my aunt having to relive finding my grandma after taking 500 anacins. Plus my dad, his mom had bipolar disorder I, his dad in the depths of depression had a successful suicide attempt. I was taken to an inpatient adolescent psychiatric facility. I met my life savers, a new friend, my present psychiatrist, and a wonderful therapist. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type one. Obviously I inherited it. I was started on 25mg of Seroquel, worked my way up to 1000mg. The Zyprexa, the Risperdal, now I am on 1000mg of Depakote ER, it is not working. About 5 weeks ago I took another overdose, 25 25mg sleeping pills. It did nothing but disorient me. My doctor told my parents to watch me closely. That has passed. But lately my suicidal impulse has been awoken. It is so strong. Though I don't want to put my family through another ended life.