Post

Will The Numbness Every Go Away?

I hate myself and my life. why?? I really don't know. I have a great life, a loving family, caring friends, a good job and, a good education. None of this seems to matter to me. I just want to end it all. Have done for as long as i can remember but its only in the past year that i have done anything about it. yes i used to self harm before then but last year i really gave up. I took an overdose then i called my nest friend to apologize to her for the things that i had said to her. i begged her forgiveness. You see i had had an argument with  my boyfriend of the time because of something she had said. i shouted at her over the phone and told her that i didn't want to talk to her anymore. obviously after i had taken the overdose i felt i should apologize to her. I didn't want her to think that my death was her fault. She never answered so i felt even worse, left her voice messages begging for forgiveness. Turns out she was at Uni. Needless to say she found out and rushed over along with her mum and my father. The psychotherapist i saw didn't give a flying **** about me just said i did it because my boyfriend had upset me even though i'd admitted self harm and suicidal thoughts previous to this experience. I was realized from hospital and put on a course of Anti-depressants by my Doctor. I felt like things were getting better. I moved in with my boyfriend, thought things were going to be great with us. What a joke! I fell out with my parents, friends and the rest of my family. He started to treat me differently and i just felt so alone and numb. I got out of there with the support of my family, but he didn't disappear. I got threats and tried to end my life again to settle things but i didn't succeed. From then i've tried to be happy and change my life for the better but i still feel numb. I still want to die. I just want this to all be over, let someone else have a go at life instead of me. I don't tell anyone how i feel not even my councilor. I can't, nobody really understands what its like unless its happened to them. This has not happened to any of my friends. Why won't my life just end!!! 
serenity2338 serenity2338 18-21, F 1 Response Feb 15, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

I am truly sorry you feel this way, i fight against what i think is depression, havent been diagnosed, but if you know, you know. i feel so often that i just wish i wouldnt have to try to kill myself, i just wish i would black out one day and not wake up, not have to worry about life, about friends, what anybody may think of me. i already dont really care what people think, just try to keep up appearances so nobody suspects anything. I just wish that one day i would die, quickly, painlessly, and have an escape from existance.

I'm sorry you feel this way as well. Yep when you know you know. You've pretty much summed it up. Its hard keeping up that whole 'i'm happy face' isn't it? When all you want to do is scream and shout, cry and pretty much give up. I know it doesn't mean much but i am here if you ever just wanna talk.

Im not a big talker, but it does help knowing there are others that are going through the same thing, and its nice to know that if i need to, i have someone i can talk to about it

I know thats what i've been thinking. Its kinda comforting in a weird way that there are other people that are going through what you are. Sounds kinda twisted.

Its not twisted though, i know others go through it and some are even stronger than me, they actually move forward and get things done, i just kind of, exsist. I just cant make myself care about life, but im too scared of the unknown of death

Sorry for the really late reply. If your scared of the unknown of death then i think that that means you aren't ready for it. That's a good thing i think. I know what you fell like with the whole exist thing. There can be times when everything seems to pick up and you think yes its getting better and then something happens and your back at where you were or even further down. If that makes sense.

2 More Responses