Still Trying Until I Succeed

i ruined my life. i messed everything up with the love of my life. we were in a long distance relationship while i was in medical school and she was the girl i wanted to marry and we had talked about it many times. she said i neglected her but i flew to her every month. she slept with another guy and broke up with me because i forced her to do it. i love her so much. i ended up dropping out of medical school and now im just trying different forms of suicide until i succeed.
i have tried overdosing on tylenol and alcohol..didnt work
i tried chewing up about 20 or so ricin seeds and abrus seeds..apparently they arent as toxic as everyone thinks.
i cant go through life like this. i am in constant pain and the only person i need hates me. amor if you ever see this just know i died loving you. my chest hurts everyday just missing her. i cant believe how much i ruined my life. going from 1 moment of becoming a doctor and being with the person i love with all my soul and now having nothing and no one.
if anyone has any real suggestions of how i can actually die im open. i have a gun but i was too scared to pull the trigger, everynight i practice though and soon i will actually do it. until then i will keep trying different poisons and pills. in my opinion its the worst way.. it rarely works. i have even tried taking pills so i dont vomit then ODing but it just doesnt work...