I Was Blacking Out.

How do my friend, family, emeines or anyone see me?
Happy, like I don't care what people say or think.

But, they are wrong. I'm only happy in front of them.

I've tried killing myself...more than once.
Why? I was sick of living.
So much pain, hurt, crying blah blah comes with it.
and who said I was the one who wanted this, to live?

I could play the night over and over again in my head.
I took 200 pills, if I was going to do it, I was going to be for sure it worked.
But did it? No, OF COURSE NOT.
When I took them all, I just went to sleep, I figured, dying in your sleep doesn't sound so bad.
So I did.
Then, I woke up..blacked out..didn't know what I was doing.
I guess I had called my ex boyfriend, I don't know why him.
and he took me to the hospital...
I was so ashamed, mad, sad..
it seems it just brought more pain to me, and isn't that what I was trying to get rid of?
All that happend was me ending up in a crazy hostipal.. which I'm not crazy like them.. I know I'm not...

I sit here today now, thinking, what if I would have just turned my cell phone off? Why didn't I?
I woulnd't be here today, and that just sounds so nice.

It's crazy how I don't think of death as negaitive.. I think it's poistive..
It takes hurt away, pain, you won't have to go through tough times in life.
and I know.. it brings pain for others, but wouldn't they want you to be happy?
I just don't understand, if a person didn't want to live a life they given, then why would other people?
I'm depressed.. I have been for years, to way back than I can remember.
It's never going to go away..
I feel it's never going to go away...

wowkatlin wowkatlin
22-25, F
1 Response Jul 20, 2010

I did the same thing, except I stopped breathing and my heart stopped, I was in the ICU being kept alive by machines for 48 hrs, then I woke up with tubes down my throaty nose, arm, and heart and blood pressure monitors everywhere. I wish I could say I regret it, but I don't... I really don't have too much feeling about it at all. I do know the feelings you have, and are, experiencing though. They're awful! It's hard when you have clinical depression to find meaning and true happiness in life, so I have finally realized that I need to be on medication... which I fought for a long time... I am 33 and just started taking this summer after the event. I would highly reccomend it to anyone, as long as it's the right meds and you feel that it helps. I took a few different things, that I didn't feel worked, and my Dr told me to just keep taking them... and I ended up in the ICU. You need to be proactive with Dr's and honest with yourself about how the meds make you feel. od stabilizer now and though I still feel sad every now and then , it is nothing like the despondent feelings I used to suffer through for months at a time. I keep thinking I'm ok now and I want to stop taking the pills, but I realize that is just a recipe for disaster. I feel like I am finally feeling something close to true happiness... and in my eyes, that just means NORMAL, like I'm not some alien in my own skin.. some actress constantly putting on a show for everyone. I hope you have sought help and are on your way to feeling better. Just know that even though in minds like ours life doesn't seem worth living, it actually is, and there are ways that we can find those realities :O) I wish you the best!!! xoxoxo