Such a Failure

July 4th weekend I tried. I went to the pharmacy, picked up my Rx for ambien, went home and downed the whole thing. I slept for 3 days, woke up, realized it was Monday and I had to get to work - to the job that just days earlier I found out I was being laid off from. I got myself together, got in the car, drove my usual hour commute and went through the work day as though nothing had happened.

Honestly, I wasn't sure that it really did happen. While at work, I noticed a few peices of evidence of the events. I had unexplained bruises and pains and I was wearing my spare glasses. When I got home I saw the damage in my bathroom where I had aparently fallen, braking my trash can and dropping my glasses on the floor. The reality hit. It was real. I did try to kill myself and I am still here.

I really am a failure and this proves it.

Shonnie Shonnie
22-25, F
3 Responses Jul 30, 2008

I was about 20 when I tried putting a gun to my head. Only time I every have used that gun and it refused to go off.... Had to be God. I took the message seriously and had desided to do everything I can to help those that going throught th hopelessness that I know leads to suicide. Glad God was there for you.

Thanks GEA232. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this too. I recognize that God did save me for some purpose. I still would prefer He hadn't.<br />
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I feel ashamed for wanting to kill myself, but I can't honestly say that I don't want to do now. I haven't been able to retuurn to church since I tried about a month ago now. I do have a Christian Therapist and she has been great in helping me through this. I suppose I will go back to church some day. I suppose I will also go back to wanting to live... some day, not today, but some day.<br />
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Thanks for sharing and caring. Blessings.

I felt the same way and worse (as though God didn't want me either) when I tried it at 17. I didn't know what I was doing. I just felt a desperate need to escape my reality, but now I know that nothing or no one is worth your life. I tried it a couple of times as an adult over the years and God was there to save me. He is not ready for me. I guess He has something in mind for you here as well. He will let you know. Be prepared to hear Him. I'm sorry that you had to experience that and I hope you have found someone to talk to.