I Tried

It's been months since I tried committing suicide. I was in the back of my great grandfather's van with most of the seats down, hose connected from the exhaust pipe to the window with the cracks taped down. I just laid there listening to "My redeemer" on my Ipod.

Before I set up for the suicide I searched about God forgiving the ones with mental illness that commit suicide. One portion said yes he does and gives them a better afterlife or they go into heaven. While the other portion said that he doesn't forgive them and makes them suffer in hell or make them walk the earth with bitter regret for doing it. When I was reading that he doesn't forgive people that commits suicide it made me think: why would he want to make his children's life so miserable to where they find suicide their only release? It was something that really angered me but I didn't care I was going to die that night. I was ready to go. I thought about leaving my family, I figured that they would be better off without me. I just couldn't stand being the way that I am. I hate me. I hate me so much that If my suicide didn't work, I wrote do not resuscitate on a sheet of paper for if someone did discover me.

I was almost there. I was almost gone. My eyes were heavy, the song was distorted, I felt my body going numb and then darkness. I felt a smile on my face stay as I was leaving. Slumped down I had finally did it. I'm going away to heaven, hell, or somewhere else. I didn't care it would be refreshing to get out of MY hell.

I'm out! I'm out! Finally I'm out!!! It was just amazing to die. I felt very warm and very happy. I remember walking down the narrow path. Each step was walking on clouds. I was nervous at first not knowing where I'd go. I could be seeing Satan who was prepared for me or Maybe seeing God angry and vengeful. As I kept walking I was getting warmer and warmer and there was a sweet smell pulling me towards the warm sensation. I was happy, I was happy, I was happy. Oh my I'm so happy. As soon as I got to the light I was in tears. These tears were so warm and they stayed on my face. I was so happy that I hugged it. I never wanted to let go from this beautiful light. In fact I couldn't let go lot. I was stuck on it. The warm bright light stuck to me and my tears were still on my face. I couldn't believe that this is happening for me. A warm bright light holding me. I must be going to the right place.

As soon as I moved my arms, the warm light switched off. My body was no longer warm and my tears began to cool off. I opened my eyes and saw that I was at home in my bed. I turned over and looked towards the window. I'm still here, here in MY hell. No longer was I happy. I felt this shame, hate, and disappointment. I wanted to die even more than I actually did. I was so angry that I wanted to grab a pair of sheers and cut my wrists like Christmas ham. But I couldn't, I was too depressed to get out of bed. My depression kept me sunk in my cold bed. No more warm light. With little energy that I had left I turned back on my stomach and cried, cried like there was no tomorrow. How could this had happen? My great grandparents were asleep and my older cousin was away. How can I be here? At home? My home for the matter? I was at my great grandparents house! That's where I planned to fu*king kill myself. Why couldn't I do that right? Couldn't even do that...

*Knock, Knock* Ok good, visitors. It's not like I didn't want to be alone anyways. So from there my family called a mental hospital and made me go there for 2 months. Did it help? A little, but deep down I really wanted to kill myself again. I wanted my happy warm feeling back. I knew I wouldn't get it back or get out of this hell. I had to "get better" by participating in group therapy, take their little mind altering, false smiling pills, and talk to them. There was nothing to talk about. I didn't want to talk to them. The more I talked to them the more pills they gave me. I was so angry, just very angry that they would do this to me. If I can't kill myself, maybe then I'll take my anger towards them.
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Sep 4, 2013