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Dark Times

first of all can i just say this isnt written through self pity,attention seeking or a cry for help,more just 2 cleans my soul.
i have been very ill 4 the last 6yrs,2 the point where on days i cant walk or clean myself and i was+ still am heavily reliant on my wife 4many things that she shouldnt have 2 do,this made me feel a burden+like my wife+family would b better off with out me,this lead 2 self loathing+feelings of worthlessness
there is no sign of me getting better,i have fibromyalgia,which may not seem like much of a problem 2 many,but im on a lot of meds+with that comes many side effects.
i have never been confident,always shy,even tho i was very popular,life of the party+athletic,im always self critical+i just feel my life is a waste+i have no real life skills or havent really acheived much with my life at all,just wish that i didnt feel like this as it really hurts
anyway,i got so low that i tried 2 kill myself,with a combination of tramadol,morphine,sleeping pills+paracetamol
obviously i wasnt sucsessful,tho i still think about it sometimes,the main reason i dont is i dont want 2 let ppl down,or embarress my family or my wife.i may seem selfish or weak,but i honestly didnt+still sometimes dont see anyway out of my situation
i dont have any friends anymore due 2 my illness,my parents have never been very talkative+i dont want 2 burden my wife or seem weak,even tho i know i am.
im not sure if my story can help any1,but if it can it may atleast have been worth it,
if u r suffering like me,please seek help,i know this is hypacritical+i know that if u want 2 kill yourself,u dont want 2 talk about it,as u dont want 2 be talked out of it
anyway,sorry for rambling,but if u are suffering and need a friend,or shoulder 2 cry on,im here,not sure if i can help,or if u want help,but the offer is there
anyway i hope u find some form of salvation+anything that helps u get through your own dark time+can ease your suffering
spencerried spencerried 26-30, M 2 Responses Dec 6, 2010

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lol,loving the weather,i actually like the sharp crisp snap of the chilly air<br />
the reason i say i feel a burden is because my wife shouldnt have 2 dress me or wash my hair or all that stuff,i know she doesnt mind doing it,just feel its unfair on her<br />
thank u for such a lovely comment,u cant take away my pain,but u can brighten my world alittle with these kind words

HEY SPENCERREID: JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE, I AM A 48 YR OLD FEMALE WHO HAS BEEN DISABLED NOW FOR ABOUT 10 YRS DUE TO MY PAINFUL DISEASES, I TOO HAVE FIBROMYALGIA AND BRAIN TUMORS (NON OPERABLE, NOT DEADLY) AND MANY OTHER PROBLEMS THAT CAUSES ME TO BE ON MANY MEDS AND LIKE YOU SAID THERE ARE MANY SIDE AFFECTS. I ALMOST DIED 2 YRS AGO WHEN I GOT H-PYLORI A STOMACH DISEASE, IT CAUSED ME TO NOT EAT FOR 12 DAYS AND MY ORGANS STARTED TO SHUT DOWN AND I STARTED GOING INTO RENAL FAILURE. UNTIL THEN I WANTED TO DIE.<br />
UNTIL I SAW WHAT IT DID TO MY LOVED ONES MY DAUGHTER WAS TERRIFIED, UNTIL THEN I FELT COMPLETELY USELESS BUT THEN I REALIZED NO MATTER HOW MUCH PAIN I AM IN AND HOW MANY TIMES MY SIS HAS TO COME HELP ME SHOWER AND DRESS I AM STILL HERE FOR THEM TO LOVE AND ME TO LOVE THEM BACK, SO I DO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL AND WOULD LOVE TO CHAT MORE WITH YOU SOMETIME, BY THE WAY YOUR NAME IS AWESOME DR.SPENCER REID IS MY HERO.<br />
POOFY62 (DAR)