If You Dont Die You F****** Wish You Did

ever since one day my life just went downhill dramatically.i couldnt stop it and didnt know how to handle it. so i began to cut and i would take drugs and drink. it all turned into a ficious cycle. id cut have a smoke sober up fight with rents cut again have a smoke fight with rents etc etc it goes on forever.


for ages and ages no body ever knew because i was just so ashamed. what would people think? my friends....all so perfect....perfect lives....perfect grades.....perfect families.....how would they understand?


eventually i came across a few friends who understood where i was coming from although our problems were stil very very differnt but all resulted in the same thing.


so many things caused my cuts and excessive smoking but i wont list them i dont think the internet could hold it all.


but one day i couldnt take it anymore. id always thought of this as an option but it was always in my maybe/never basket. but this day i emptied that basket onto the floor.


i went into my fathers shed stole some random yellow pills. grabbed a big glass of water and went into my room. i put something agianst my door then lent against it and turned up my music. i also took out my knife i kept handy in my drawer and sat there for a little while just staring with a big smile on my face.


i didnt write a suicide note (i have written them before) because i thourght **** it **** you all your all so ******* selfish **** it!. so i pourned out this little container on the floor and gazed upon amazement at its contents.


i took 1...it felt good....took another....it felt better. then i took another 3 1 by 1 and realised if i was going to get through them all i would have to take them by the handfull. so i seperated 5 from the group and swallowed em down. that was relitivly easy so i seperated another ten they went down ok too. so i put the rest of them into small little groups of ten then counted as i took the groups. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15then on the last group i took them one by one and counted back down 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2...............1.


in total i had taken 180 tablets the entire contents of this bottle.


i sculled down the rest of my water in a triumphet way then slammed it on the ground. to my dismay i felt fine. i wanted to know when the dramatic faint comes in when i slowly shut my eyes then my parents find me in the morning. but i just sat there.


so to help this process along i decided to sleep maybe i would go in my sleep with a bit of luck. but unfortunatly no luck for me.


i woke up about 7:30 very very fatigued like i hadnt slept in ages and like a had a nasty virus. i was unaware of my surrondings and then rememberd that it woz 7:30 at night not the morning and i had only slept for a couple of hours and i had taken 180 tablets with only a pint of water.


so many thourghts went through my head "do mum and dad know?" "did it really happen was it a dream?" "have i slept for an entire day?" "am i going to have to go to haspital?"  "am i going to die?"   "....am i going to live?"


i got up felt dizzy. stumbled to the door. opend it. evreything was a blur. i stumbled into the toilet and went then came out and went into the bathroom washed my hands....then looked into the mirror. the face i saw staring back at me i did not recognise. it was as white as a priceless wedding dress as sick as a cancer patient and as blank as a unused canvas.


i looked away dried my hands then turned off the light then went out into the hall mums door was shut because she was stil angry after our fight then i continued to walk down then the bright light of the middle of the house hit my eyes it was like staring into the sun. i walked over to my computer saw dad on the otherside.


did not attempt to talk to him 1) worried my voice would give away that i was seriously ill 2) i hate the bastard


i just collapsed on my chair and pressed ctrl+alt+delete to unlock my screen saver then opend msn messnger.


please bare with me because i do not remember what i did here. but the next thing i do remember is getting up and heading to the shower. i went into the bathroom turned on the water and didnt even think to adjust the taps i just sat on the bottom of it then got a fright when i realised there was cold water running all over me and reached with all my strength to blast on the hot.


then i pulled of my clothes. and threw them everywhere where ever they landed was ok to me.


i was sitting at the bottom of the shower looking up at the water and the sky (we have a window) deciding wether i should tell my father what ive done and get him to race me to the emergency room or just handle this on my own.


this thought circled through my head until i had a brainwave.....not a good one though. il try and throw them all up that way they cant make me sick. so it took me alot of power but i stood up and propped myself agianst the wall this felt like anough to do it but unfortunatly was not.


so i did what i knew you had to do and shoved my fingers down my throat. this was disgusting. i then felt it coming up so i removed my fingers.....but nothing. this process went on for ages until the water went stone cold and i got out and sat on the ground with a towel wrapped around me. contemplating telling father again. then i put my clothes on.....forgetting underwear. and i was stil wet. so this mixture of sick feeling no undies warm pants and itchy top was not a good mix at all.


i then looked in the mirror again. and again did not recognise my own face but did not think much of this in my dilusiond state of mind. then for a second time staggerd into the hall then got that blinding light again. i then went over to the kitchen....do not know how i got there i could hardly walk straight i was getting worse by the second.


i turned to dad sitting at his own computer and said "dad i dont feel well" like i was a little girl again like when your 5 and youve eaten to much and you then throw up all over your parents when they try and help you. 


he then returend with "o dont you darling?" n i was like "no" and burst into tears. but kept my mouth shut about the pills i had previously stole from him. he came around to the kitchen and put his arms around me then said here sit down and usherd me onto the single lounge chair infront of the tv directly under the airconditiong vent.


keep in mind this one during the hot months and so we were all boiling which didnt make me feel any better. then i was just staring at the tv and didnt know what i was supposed to be doing it was like i was retarded or an old person with alsimers.


then my ears priked up when i herd the theme song to family guy. this brought a small grin to my face i thought "well if i die ive died watching family guy" then dad came in and his voice saying "drink this" snapped me back to reality. and all i could see was a giant glass of cold water in my face so i took it with my hands shaking uncontrolbly. so dad helpd me put it beside me.


i took a small sip but this remined me of my past actions and made me close my eyes in disgust hoping when i opend them it would all go away. but when i did it was all still there. so i just stared at the screen af family guy. i cant even remember what episode it was all i can remeber is the theme song the water and some thoughts from then on i dont no anymore than you do.


my next memory is of the american dad theme song then i thought to myself...in a nutshell "wow family guy and american dad now all i have to do is die and this is the best day of my life"


i kept sipping at this water because i was told it would make me feel better even though every sip was agony.


to my great anoyence i cannot remember much more at all. i do apoligise but all i can remember now is being in the toilet throwing up like ive never done before. i hurled like the girl from exorcist. it went everywere it was disgusting. it smelt like rank it looked rank it tasted rank...it was rank.


i could describe the colour taste smell and feel of it to you but i dont want to make you as sick as i was. whist throwing up i remember seeing small little half digested pills on the floor and toilet seat. about 4 or 5. i knew what they were and i knew they would be found. 


so i today think to myself why didnt i take them with me or flush em down the loo why didnt i get rid of the evdence of this awful thing i did? did a part of me want dad to find them? did i not care? was i too sick to realise the conciqences of leaving them? did i see them but not even click?


then all i can remember is dad saying "its going to be ok dont worry its going to be ok" and then ushering me to my bed in a difficult trudge across my messy floor in the dark.


when i lyed down i assed my condition. i knew i was not on the raod to death i felt like it but was not going down that road you know what they always say "if you dont die youl ******* wish you did!"


i was soaked in a cold sweat from head to toe. i was not wearing any undies. my hair was wet. my shirt itched and was coverd in spew. my pants were boiling my legs and were coverd in spew. my stomach felt as if it was eating me alive from the inside out. my feet wanted to run and run but wouldnt move and were coverd in spew. my head felt like a balloon. my eyes were sore. my mouth tasted like spew, water and pills. my teeth were coverd in spew. my nose hurt from having spew come out of it. my hands ached from holding myself up on things and were also coverd in spew. my back hurt. and my legs were shaking along with my arms. also dad in attempting good parenting coverd me in the blanket which made my body temparture rise 2 3x room temp.


i did not have the strength to remove this blanket or roll over to turn down my radio.


i just lied there thinking about where this got me. the smile that was once on my face when i looked down at those pills was slapped of my face as my life turned into one big room of sick.


again i have lost memory. the last memory of this night is seeing my mother standing at the door way at me. she blocks the hallway light its like a aura around her. she just stares doesnt say one word. she knows that she was the cause.


the next few days are very very hazzy. my friend from far away came to visit and we walked around my area which didnt help it made me worse.


i was just throwing up every few hours. or going to the toilet every 5 minutes which was alot naster that chuking up.


to this day i can remember the exzact aches and pains i felt.


and when i think of pills it makes my stomach turn and my fingers automatically grab ahold of something tightly until i can reasure myself that its over im not sick anymore.


i can take pills now like panadol etc but i do have to talk myself into it. in my head i repeat "its just 1 it cant hurt you pandol is ok" but theres always that voice that whispers back "cmon one more i dare you" and i pretty much have to shove the pill down my throat before i arise suspicion.


i am not aware of any long term effects right now but would not be suprised if i have pickeld my liver and die of liver failure. so really those pills would be what kill me.


i dont know how to end this but to say dont do it seriously


"if you dont die you ******* wish you did"

FreakOutLooseControl FreakOutLooseControl
18-21, F
3 Responses Aug 25, 2006

i am so sorry you went throu all of that...hope things are better now... its hard to forget i am 21 and when i was younger without kids and a husband i was on drugs popping whatever kind of pills i can get my hands on one day i took 8-9 vicoden and all that did to me was make me sleep all day and throu up i swear if i would have taken a few more that would have done it...but iam hapy ia m still here i have two wonderful boys and a nice gentle husband....<br />
<br />
need to talk just msg me ok<br />
<br />
take care<br />
becky

i've been there and did that, but in my situation, the amount of pills were about the same but i knew exactly what i was taking. probably 20 of them were anti anxiety pills and after taking all the pills, i was alone in my house and i went hysterical for about 20minutes, screaming and sobbing at the top of my lungs for God to forgive me. i knew i had the chance to throw them up but i truly believed in the sick mind that i was in, that mu kids would be better off without a messed up mother. So pathetically i thought i was doing them some sort of favour. When the anti-anxiety pills kicked in, i calmed down, grabbed all the pictures that i could of my children, circled them aroung myself, and knowing that i would never wake up, i finally allowed myself to fall asleep with the delusion that i was doing my children a favour. Well LUCKILY, it didn't work, i had a guardian angel that told me. like it or not, it was neither my choice or time to die. After realizing that my attempt had failed, i realized very quickly that the worse thing any mother could do to their kids was to dilberately take her life, and in response to that action, both my kids would hate me and also blame themselves. Since that time, i have NEVER even once thought of suicide even during some of my darkest moments. I now know, that i do not have that RIGHT and that my kids should never have to pay the price for a fleeting moment of complete desperation on my side. I now keep the suicide hot line number right beside my medication. It is a nightly reminder to me, that i was DAMN lucky that my attempt failed and that i will never take my children's well being beofre my selfish thoughts.

What a great and thorough story. I'm sorry you went through that but glad you wrote about it so others can learn from your mistake. I was wondering, what were the pills you took? And did you ever see a doctor afterward?