I left work Tuesday with a horrid migraine and in tears. I could hardly speak and MnM suggested I let the teen drive, so I did. I didn't care that I had class, I didn't worry about having left work early, I couldn't think anymore and needed relief.

I was desperate and went right home and to the witches cauldron where I keep all of my meds. Seems appropriate enough for me to keep them there and that's what I see them as... little, tiny spells that are meant to make me feel better.

I took a nausea pill along with two darvocet. I hate taking the big stuff but I was in so much pain and needed it to stop! As I fell sleep I could feel my breathing slowing down.... I even woke once abruptly which I think was my system kick starting to remind me to take a breath.

And then it came to me... this was my out, this is my magic pill to get away forever. It's funny how silly we can get sometimes. It hurt to think but at the same time I had found my cure and couldn't stop thinking of ways to make it work. That pill, that drug, it effects everyone differently and with me, it calms me, relaxes and so slows my breathing down to almost a halt.

I knew it wasn't going to happen that day, although I would have accepted it, but I thought about it hard and deep. I fell back to sleep with my cold, aching self wrapped up in my blanket and the pillow over my head to keep the light out... and I fell back to sleep with thoughts of death. Pulling it, wishing for it, bringing it closer. Could I make this happen? Would today be my final moment?

Deep down I knew it wasn't time but those thoughts never left as I could feel my lungs start to burn and my head lighten, both starving for oxygen, both wanting me to sit up, take that breath and live...

I awakened 12 hours later... no more headache and still around for another day. I wasn't sad that I lived because I found the magic pill... just need to take a few more

Not today though, not ready just yet...

What's that quote I have in my profile... Oh yes

"The great thing about suicide is that it's not one of those things you have to do now or you'll lose your chance. I mean you can always do it later." -- Harvey Fierstein

mysplitpersonality mysplitpersonality
36-40, F
12 Responses Oct 16, 2008

...and when she says close she's not kidding. LOL But w/o my address no worries of crazy ones ending up at my door step. BRUHAHAHAHA!

Weve been here so many times, sadly I cannot count em anymore. Yes it is the easier way out for you but not the kids and those others of us who care for ya!<br />
Hugz,<br />

It is indeed nice to have that power. Zombie coctails are always relaxing a relieving, and always help regenerate. Like rebooting a computer. I could use a few myself at the moment.

He's tired... I don't think he knew what he was getting into with this redhead... crazy runs deep in these veins darlin', oh too deep

Darling, Darling Girl, you do not wish to end your life, you wish to end you pain. You reach out, and just look at all the people who sincerely care about you. Please be strengthened by our caring.

As sad as this story made me to read, I must admit I have a similar dream in my own pocket. I will make a deal with you. Mine will stay in my pocket if yours will stay in your pocket okay? We need you here, far more than you realize.<br />
<br />

It was a real moment, real pain followed by a real sense of peace.... I've been close, had the moments but this was one that I didn't even have to try for, didn't ask for, didn't look for... it came to ME and showed me the way and I'm holding onto that, tucking it deep in my pocket and saving it for a rainy, dark day...

I know how you feel. When i worked at the group home i had a girl that had a "secret horde" of pills in her room "just in case" she felt like, she didn't have to commit suicide if she just knew that she could. I'm that way about self injury- as long as i never say the worlds "quit forever" i really don't need to do it. Luckily for this girl, one night we were talking about suicide and death and the like and she told me "i have something i want to show you- and brought out this huge bottle of stashed pills... we went and flushed them together- because she was ready to admit that she didn't really need to commit suicide after all or even be prepared for it. I hope you can find somebody in your life that can make you feel that way- i know anything else is just words.<br />

Death is not a cure for life, honey, it is the end of it. There is no hope for happiness if you are not here to have it. Be here to have it, ok? Hugs.

MSP, your story makes me feel real concerned about you and your state of mind. It is good that you can journal about these thoughts as it allows friends to offer support.<br />
<br />
You have so much to live for. I hope you realize that and please try to recognise and accept caring and giving as it comes into your life.<br />
<br />
Believe me that we all have times of suffering and pain but going through the storm always brings a calm filled with a new joy. Your children are at the base of this joy.<br />
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If there is anything you want to talk about ... I will be here to listen ... Hope you are feeling a little better by now.<br />
<br />

MSP you have to many ppl that care about you. You also have friends that love you and care about you. They send you emails they call you they give you what you need sometimes. Yes someimes they cant give you what you need but you have the strength that keeps you going. You have your children that love you and care about you. You have no reason to leave that. You know that is not what you will do you will live another day another week another yr to be with your children. <BR><BR>You know we love you and miss you when your not here. You are what you are and you will always be that person that cares to much about other that you will not leave.<BR><BR>Hugsssssss MSP

It's a dream... you gotta have dreams right? It's funny that calm you get when you realize the abilities you have...