I left work Tuesday with a horrid migraine and in tears. I could hardly speak and MnM suggested I let the teen drive, so I did. I didn't care that I had class, I didn't worry about having left work early, I couldn't think anymore and needed relief.
I was desperate and went right home and to the witches cauldron where I keep all of my meds. Seems appropriate enough for me to keep them there and that's what I see them as... little, tiny spells that are meant to make me feel better.
I took a nausea pill along with two darvocet. I hate taking the big stuff but I was in so much pain and needed it to stop! As I fell sleep I could feel my breathing slowing down.... I even woke once abruptly which I think was my system kick starting to remind me to take a breath.
And then it came to me... this was my out, this is my magic pill to get away forever. It's funny how silly we can get sometimes. It hurt to think but at the same time I had found my cure and couldn't stop thinking of ways to make it work. That pill, that drug, it effects everyone differently and with me, it calms me, relaxes and so slows my breathing down to almost a halt.
I knew it wasn't going to happen that day, although I would have accepted it, but I thought about it hard and deep. I fell back to sleep with my cold, aching self wrapped up in my blanket and the pillow over my head to keep the light out... and I fell back to sleep with thoughts of death. Pulling it, wishing for it, bringing it closer. Could I make this happen? Would today be my final moment?
Deep down I knew it wasn't time but those thoughts never left as I could feel my lungs start to burn and my head lighten, both starving for oxygen, both wanting me to sit up, take that breath and live...
I awakened 12 hours later... no more headache and still around for another day. I wasn't sad that I lived because I found the magic pill... just need to take a few more
Not today though, not ready just yet...
What's that quote I have in my profile... Oh yes
"The great thing about suicide is that it's not one of those things you have to do now or you'll lose your chance. I mean you can always do it later." -- Harvey Fierstein