When One Door Closes, Another Door Opens...
Right now, I'm in the war of my life...at the door of my life...out of time and there's nowhere to run...as John Mayer would say. I am witnessing the phenomenon "when one door closes, another opens." It is so interesting for me to navigate through this process. My impulses want to panic. They want to hang on to what I currently have in my life...even though ALL of my signs are telling me to let go and trust God.
My ethics are being tested. At the moment, I am ill. I am Job covered with boils. I need to take a series of 4 medications, which impair my cognitive functions, slur my speech and alter my coordination. I am a psychoanalyst. I am paid for my cognitive functions. My reputation is built on my ethics and my ability to think and analyze problems. Doing analysis is very DEEP, cognitive, intense work. I LOVE doing it. It is fascinating. And I'm REALLY gifted at it. But, while on the medications, I cannot deliver the quality of work that I am known for. The dillemma is this: should a psychoanalyst work when they are cognitively impaired by medication?
Ethically, I feel that I must suspend my license and my practice, stop treating patients and focus on getting healthy. But it is so hard to give up doing something that you are brilliant at and to give up the business you have worked three years to develop. The business now virtually runs itself. And, after all this diligence and hard work, it is agony to quit. I've employed 14 people in the 3 years I've run my business. But at the moment, my last employee will be leaving in mid April. It will be just me. The signs seem clear. God is clearing the way for something new.
Now I must walk the walk...I must prove that I completely Trust God! I must believe that God has a plan for me! I must Take the leap into the unknown and trust that I can make it to the other side, with God by my side.
What is interesting is that I do this exact process with patients every day. I teach them to visualize the crisis they are in as a test. Visualize that you are on one side of a river. Your Purpose is on the other side. The river has a strong current. You need to swim across the rough currents and get to the other side to begin your purpose again. Now visualize that God brought you to me, because God knows that I will get you across this river.Against all odds, I will hold you with my one good/strong arm and I will use my injured arm to swim us across...and we WILL make it. I've done it thousands of times, with thousands of people. So God is GUARANTEEING that you will make it to the other side, if you cross the river with me. Even though I don't look like I can get you across that river, you have to trust my track record. I CAN. I ALWAYS DO!
But now it is my turn to cross the river. And noone is there to assure my safe passage. Noone, but my invisible God...and my knowledge that I have carried thousands across...so I can surely cross this river alone. So I'm taking the leap into the river and seeing where the currents take me. I'm trusting God and my track record. I have to trust only myself and God right now. It is exciting and scarey as hell! To completely trust yourself. And to completely trust God.
Then...just when I commit to closing my practice, terminating with patients, and letting go of my business...THREE fascinating opportunities practically fall into my lap. One is to work in politics, one is to develop a national brand for someone, and one is to life coach someone. A fourth opportunity is presenting itself to work in television production again. What is interesting is that I have a BA degree in political science and I was a television news camerawoman and a segment producer for the television show "Inside Edition" years ago. So now, opportunities are showing up...and I haven't even closed the other door fully. It is amazing! Truely amazing...to watch God's hand at work.
The people around me who are witnessing this are awed and inspired by what is happening to me. It is giving them faith and hope. I witness miracles all the time, in my line of work. But I'm never the recipient of the miracle. I just witness it and participate in the process of making it happen. Now, it is happening to me. This is odd, new and I am a bit apprehensive, but only because I'm out of my comfort zone. I'm not used to getting what I want or need. I'm used to having to struggle for it. Push hard for it. Fight for it. I'm the one where nothing comes easily for me. I always secretly dream that everything would just happen easily, the way it is supposed to...no more delay, defer, deny tactics. I am physically and emotionally drained by the constant delay, defer, deny tactics.
But when I see delay, defer, deny happening... I realize that occurs because I must learn that only God controls the timing of things. When I get delay, defer, deny...it is because I am beginning to see & sense what is coming my way, and my impatience wants it NOW! But God's will be done. God will open the gates at his pace, not mine. He will open the gates when he has tested me and has determined, through my walk and my choices during my test, that I've learned my lessons and I am ready for what is coming. I can't fake it. I must PROVE that I have learned my lessons through my walk.
It's so tough to see it coming, know it's coming...and not have ANY control over the timing aspect. Patience has always been the thorn in my side. It has been the aspect I have had to Master. I'm able to control that aspect now...finally...at this age and stage of my life. But patience was a hard lesson for me. Impatience brings frustration. Frustration is wrong. Frustration makes you ill. Frustration indicates you are arm wrestling with God for control over your life, and you will not beat God. It is impossible. So to acquiesse to this aspect and find peace in it, is the true lesson.