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Go Figure

So my daughter's biological dad (whom we'll call Bob) is not the one she calls Daddy.  My husband (whom we'll call Mike) is.  And that is because, for about four years, I let Bob use me and lie to me and leech off of me.  He lived with me from the first month or so we dated.  It happened one night around Christmas.  I was going to break up with him because he had cheated on me.  I was also supposed to deliver the news that he was kicked out of the place he was staying (the person he stayed with is the one who told me about the cheating).  Well, when I confronted him, he didn't deny it.  Rather, he started to cry and apologize.  He didn't beg for forgiveness or mercy, just apologized and cried.  I couldn't leave him on the streets in the snow (the one time it snowed that whole winter) so I let him come live with me.  Long story short, I took Bob back and for that entire four years, he cheated on me some more, wouldn't hold down a job for more than a month, depended on me for food, lodging, clothing, transportation (I even drove him to the girls places to cheat on me with, only to find out later), etc.  I was totally convince that what he told me was true; I would never get married and my best bet was to stay with him, because he was the only one who really understood me and we were family.  Yeah, I was that stupid.  He also told me stories about how his father was his grandfather (who raped his mother) and also about having a twin brother (even posing as said twin brother) and all these fantastical stories.  Then one day, despite him telling me for the entire four years that he was sterile, I got pregnant.  Well, I was dumb enough to put him on the birth certificate, and then the next day, as I was still in the hospital, here he comes with a tattoo on his face.  Yes.  His face.  Ok if you have a job that you can do with that, but not ok if the only work you can get is serving food and waiting tables.  Few restraunts will hire someone with a tattoo covering half their face.  So now I had to provide for him and my daughter.  I grew more depressed and went looking for a person to see just on occasion, to get away from it all.  I mean, Bob had his girl he was screwing, so why couldn't I have a companion, just for fun?  Well, I ended up finding a good man who, depsite some issues, has been my knight in shining armor, Mike.  He WANTED to be my daughter's daddy, and has been a great husband and dream come true. 

Well, now that you have the back story, here is the kicker.  I finally stopped believing anything Bob told me.  I just assumed everything was a lie, since it always had been before.  Then just a few days ago, he tells me about finding his brother and his father.  (Remember he told me his father was his grandfather--who was convienantly dead).  He gave me all these details, like how they were seperated, where they lived, what they looked like, etc.  And that's just what he'd done all the other times.  It sounded like one of his elaborate lies he liked to make up for attention or whatever.  So I didn't believe him.  Then I look at Bob's myspace, and lo and behold, there is his mother's profile on his friend page, as well as a guy that looks alot like my Bob.  I do a little research, and find that the brother's profile has been active for a long time, so it's not a fake (most likely) and the guy looks remarkably like my ex.  Same nose, same eyes, same head (both shaved heads with an odd shape).  The guy's profile is also linked to the mother's, with comments between them supporting the story.  A sister's profile is also there, with a blog titled "New addition to the family" but you have to be a friend to read it.  So.  Looks like he was telling the truth.  For once in his life.  The one time I didn't believe him is the one time he wasn't lying. 

"Why does this matter to you?" you ask?  Well, as Bob is the biological father to my child, and I put his name on the birth certificate, I am afraid he will seek some type of custody rights.  He wants to take my daughter up north to meet his dad and brother.  I am so afraid if he does, she will not come back.  He has lived is Washington for quite some time now, and we live in Texas.  He hardly ever sees her, talks to her, whatever.  Doesn't provide money or anything for her care.  Didn't really call me much to ask about her...until recently.  He has been calling me a lot lately, and was angry when I didn't call him for father's day.  I told him he couldn't take her, but I am afraid he will eventually try to establish his right to do so.  I know that based on the facts, it is unlikely he would win, but I still worry.  And on top of it all, I guess this whole not believing him when he was being honest really sort of hit my confidence...I actually feel guilty about it.  *sigh*

kitty7 kitty7 26-30, F 4 Responses Jul 5, 2009

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If I had a daughter with a lady , I would be there for her. Because its what a man is supposed to do. I always believed if you loved them enough to make a baby with them, then you should love them enough to make them your wife. That simple. (I always wanted a daughter anyway). I am single and never married.....sigh. I also have no children.

Thanks, ya'll. I really appreciate the support. I definitely will not let him take her. I already told my husband I would run if I had to. But I am sure you guys are right and it won't come to that. If he was even remotely responsible, or trustworthy, it would be different. But he isn't. I've been trying to save the money up to get custody switched over completely. I made a deal with him that he would still get to see her and everything if he would give paternal rights to Mike. But according to the lawyers here it costs almost $10,000 to start! Just start! Where are the laws to protect women like us? There are so many that grant women child support and all, but I don't want that, nor do I want gov't help financially. I just want the man my daughter calls daddy to legally be her daddy, so she can have the same last name and all...and WE have to pay out the ears for it. The lawyer even said that if he just disappeared that we would have to pay to search for him. If he abandons her completely, we have to pay to look for him. How ridiculous is that?!?

bob sounds like my ex. u are right--do not allow him to take your daughter anywhere; she very well may not come back. i would not trust my ex to care for a pet rock--so--no visitations, no nothing for him from me! even tho the court granted him visiting rights---i have ignored this---and nothing has happened. maybe it's not so much custody u are worried about, but unsupervised visits. i worry too, that my ex will connive the court into something. u know bob--it is best that u stay alert and prepared for any crap from him--for your daughter's sake.<br />
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it is astounding tho, the number of mothers who allow their kids to go off hundreds of miles away with people like bob and my ex---bcuz they are the father and they want to visit. big whoop. they should try being somewhat human and trust-worthy if they wish to have visits. otherwise forget it.

I wouldn't worry too much about it, I don't know how the laws are there, but here in missouri where i live there's no way in hell the courts would grant any type of custody to a non-supporter that can't (won't) hold a job. Not to mention that he would have to display the ability to provide an adequate and appropriate environment for her, which from your description would be a very long shot. Anyway, i'm no expert, just throwing in my 2 cents.