Acceptance Is a Form of Judgement

I've always thought that accepting and judging were two different concepts.  If you accept someone as the they are, you're not judging, right?  Our friends have their opinions, our spouses another, even  the people we meet on the street.  What do we say when we don't agree with those opinions?  "I don't agree, but I'm not going to try to change their mind" and sentiments such as those.  Well guess what?  That's judging.  We are judging others for having their own opinions. 

Instead of accepting, we need to learn the art of allowing.  We don't need to ACCEPT other people's views and opinions.  We need to ALLOW them to have them.  Allowing holds no judgment.  Allowing does not reflect on us.  Allowing is more like observing.  Observing is the key to living life without judgment.

goddessone goddessone 41-45, F 21 Responses Mar 4, 2008

Your Response


My head is spinning now!!!!! You are good, really really good. LOL

just a bit to make it harder

1. Judgements require that something (some object) is given in presentation, but not that something is predicated of it.

2. Judgements are either positive or negative, depending on whether the presented object is accepted as existing, or rejected as fictitious or non-existing.

3. Judgements are best expressed in sentences of the form “A exists” or “A does not exist”, where the term “A” denotes the presented object which is also the object of the judgement, and the rest of the sentence indicates its quality.

Another judgements

Two kind of judgement

There are two different ways people judge you. Sometimes judging you correctly is the end goal. But there's a second much more common type of judgement where it isn't. We tend to regard all judgements of us as the first type. We'd probably be happier if we realized which are and which aren't.

The first type of judgement, the type where judging you is the end goal, include court cases, grades in classes, and most competitions. Such judgements can of course be mistaken, but because the goal is to judge you correctly, there's usually some kind of appeals process. If you feel you've been misjudged, you can protest that you've been treated unfairly.

Nearly all the judgements made on children are of this type, so we get into the habit early in life of thinking that all judgements are.

But in fact there is a second much larger class of judgements where judging you is only a means to something else. These include college admissions, hiring and investment decisions, and of course the judgements made in dating. This kind of judgement is not really about you.

Put yourself in the position of someone selecting players for a national team. Suppose for the sake of simplicity that this is a game with no positions, and that you have to select 20 players. There will be a few stars who clearly should make the team, and many players who clearly shouldn't. The only place your judgement makes a difference is in the borderline cases. Suppose you screw up and underestimate the 20th best player, causing him not to make the team, and his place to be taken by the 21st best. You've still picked a good team. If the players have the usual distribution of ability, the 21st best player will be only slightly worse than the 20th best. Probably the difference between them will be less than the measurement error.

The 20th best player may feel he has been misjudged. But your goal here wasn't to provide a service estimating people's ability. It was to pick a team, and if the difference between the 20th and 21st best players is less than the measurement error, you've still done that optimally.

It's a false analogy even to use the word unfair to describe this kind of misjudgement. It's not aimed at producing a correct estimate of any given individual, but at selecting a reasonably optimal set.

One thing that leads us astray here is that the selector seems to be in a position of power. That makes him seem like a judge. If you regard someone judging you as a customer instead of a judge, the expectation of fairness goes away. The author of a good novel wouldn't complain that readers were unfair for preferring a potboiler with a racy cover. Stupid, perhaps, but not unfair.

Our early training and our self-centeredness combine to make us believe that every judgement of us is about us. In fact most aren't. This is a rare case where being less self-centered will make people more confident. Once you realize how little most people judging you care about judging you accurately—once you realize that because of the normal distribution of most applicant pools, it matters least to judge accurately in precisely the cases where judgement has the most effect—you won't take rejection so personally.

And curiously enough, taking rejection less personally may help you to get rejected less often. If you think someone judging you will work hard to judge you correctly, you can afford to be passive. But the more you realize that most judgements are greatly influenced by random, extraneous factors—that most people judging you are more like a fickle novel buyer than a wise and perceptive magistrate—the more you realize you can do things to influence the outcome.

One good place to apply this principle is in college applications. Most high school students applying to college do it with the usual child's mix of inferiority and self-centeredness: inferiority in that they assume that admissions committees must be all-seeing; self-centeredness in that they assume admissions committees care enough about them to dig down into their application and figure out whether they're good or not. These combine to make applicants passive in applying and hurt when they're rejected. If college applicants realized how quick and impersonal most selection processes are, they'd make more effort to sell themselves, and take the outcome less personally.

Just to stir things up a bit. LOL

You accepted the feeling of being hurt~~you're judging yourself He opinion just "is"

Read over the tennis match HWP and I had on this story. In the end, I'm allowing him to has his own opinion. It just is... I'm not accepting it and changing my whole attitude because of it...It's his not mind--I'm an observer..In no way am I judging his opinion

As far as opinionated people go? He and I are both very opinionated, yet we remain good friends. We enjoy the mental game of tag we play. We each allow the other to have their unique opinions.,, No hurt, no anger and so on. That's how you deal with the opinionated person. Allow them to feel the way they do. Accept that you don't feel the same. You stop judging yourself, when you don't allow her thoughts to affect you. Also, when you don't allow her thought to affect you, you stop judging her too.

I have to find the paragraph in the Power of Now that addresses this. When I post it, I'll message you~~he speaks much more eloquently than I do. (I just judged myself here, my thought process was "I can't find the right words to say what I need to" that's a self judgment~I didn't accept or allow myself to believe I could say what I needed to)

So to take this about if YOU are actually part of the reunion and she doesn't feel the need to see YOU. How do you allow her to have her opinion, and still be hurt by it? You have to stand away from your hurt?


Since this did start out as a conversation of judgement, I would have to say that maybe a better response to your sister not going to the reunion might be 'okay' . It still a little dicey, but by saying 'that's fine'--fine is a word which describes a feeling. Oh wait, here let me try it this way---allowing is observing--like you just learned about. When we observe, we let go of all judgement, right?

Now as far as acceptance goes, 'ya, same here' is a good example of it. You're now taking that opinion and making it your own too.

So, to put all this in daily's an example.

Your sister has decided that she no longer wants to attend family reunions. Her opinion is that they don't satisfy her and she doesn't see the point of keeping in touch with people she only sees once a year.

Your response to her would be? If you are going to allow her to have her opinion, you would say, 'that's fine.' If you accept her opinion, you also will not attend family reunions, but your response would be, 'ya, same here'.

? Do I have that right?

Hmm it seems that the great debate is over in your mind. Suffice it to say that you have neither understood or accepted my opinion. You are, however, allowing me to have mine.

The one thing we do agree on, is agreeing to disagree.



Are you running for office? Double-speak that neither addresses the original issue or the subsequent rebuttals has no place in this discussion (in my judgmental opinion).

However, since it has come to this, I will simply agree to disagree. I both accept and allow your opinion.

Peace & Love,


You can disagree without judging.

Sharing is a form of owning

allowing is giving away

You can judge something that you own, but not something that you've given away

Nuff said

I am not judging you, but I do disagree.

By accepting your opinion, we are SHARING it, I am not taking possession of it or owning it.

- to accept a present; (YOU'RE present)

- to accept an invitation; (YOU'RE party)

- to receive as to meaning; understand; (YOU'RE meaning)

- to acknowledge

Allowing, on the other hand assumes from the start that I own it and am allowing you to have it, when it is your opinion in the first place.

- to give permission (MY dominion)

- to let have (MY possession)

- to permit (MY possession)

- to take into consideration (MY JUDGMENT)

- to approve (MY JUDGMENT)

Ah, a woman of grace and intelligence

Thank you UC

Now if HWP would only see the error of his ways

OMG, I´m getting dizzy.

But you are right IWM ;-)

When you own it, you are judging it as acceptable to you---since YOU own it.

Granting permission to someone to own their own opinion is not accepting it as yours. They are accepting it as theirs. Therefore, you are not judging based on your own ego. You neither agree nor disagree with the opinion. Not judging......


Your original point was not about possession, but about judgment. If I grant permission to your opinion, then I am judging it worthy. If I accept it, I am taking or receiving it as is, without judgment.

Game/Set/Match: HWP

Try again--you're missing the key words here

allow--to grant permission

accept--to take or receive

If you take or receive the opinion, then it is yours

Where if you allow it--you are "granting permission" for the other person to have their own opinion

It does not become yours

I still love you too, especially because you know I'm right

Again, interpretation....

While there is definitely some overlap, it still looks TO ME like allow means I'm in charge and deem you worthy, and accept means what you are saying allow means.

Allow's definition uses words like "permission", "grant", "approve".

Accepts uses "agree" "consent" "accommodate".

In my opinion (and I accept that you have yours and are entitled to it), "accept" is more equal and "allow" is more judgmental.

But I still love you anyway!

al·low /əˈlaʊ/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[uh-lou] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation

–verb (used with object) 1. to give permission to or for; permit: to allow a student to be absent; No swimming allowed.

2. to let have; give as one's share; grant as one's right: to allow a person $100 for expenses.

3. to permit by neglect, oversight, or the like: to allow a door to remain open.

4. to admit; acknowledge; concede: to allow a claim.

5. to take into consideration, as by adding or subtracting; set apart: to allow an hour for changing trains.

6. Older Use. to say; think.

7. Archaic. to approve; sanction.

–verb (used without object) 8. to permit something to happen or to exist; admit (often fol. by of): to spend more than one's budget allows; a premise that allows of only one conclusion.

—Idiom9. allow for, to make concession or provision for: to allow for breakage.

ac·cept /ækˈsɛpt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ak-sept] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation

–verb (used with object) 1. to take or receive (something offered); receive with approval or favor: to accept a present; to accept a proposal.

2. to agree or consent to; accede to: to accept a treaty; to accept an apology.

3. to respond or answer affirmatively to: to accept an invitation.

4. to undertake the responsibility, duties, honors, etc., of: to accept the office of president.

5. to receive or admit formally, as to a college or club.

6. to accommodate or reconcile oneself to: to accept the situation.

7. to regard as true or sound; believe: to accept a claim; to accept Catholicism.

8. to regard as normal, suitable, or usual.

9. to receive as to meaning; understand.

10. Commerce. to acknowledge, by signature, as calling for payment, and thus to agree to pay, as a draft.

11. (in a deliberative body) to receive as an adequate performance of the duty with which an officer or a committee has been charged; receive for further action: The report of the committee was accepted.

12. to receive or contain (something attached, inserted, etc.): This socket won't accept a three-pronged plug.

13. to receive (a transplanted organ or tissue) without adverse reaction. Compare reject (def. 7).

–verb (used without object) 14. to accept an invitation, gift, position, etc. (sometimes fol. by of).

Ahem--I believe you have somthing to say? Like, I'm sorry IWM, you are right again, as always

I still don't see the difference. Who am I to allow or disallow your opinion? There's more ego in that as I see it.

If accept you into my club you are welcome. If I allow you into my club it is with the understanding that I can revoke the privilege at any time.

I think we are both interpreting these two words differently, which simply proves my point that Words are but symbols and their meaning is subject to judgment.

Hah! I'm right, I'm right!

but one cannot accept without the ego being involved

accepting means that we deem the subject viable enough to us in order to make it ok in our own minds

eek--where the heck did my grammar go? I hate when my comments come after yours LOL

I think it's about intention. Whether you accept or allow anyone's anything, if you do it with respect and without ego, the chi keeps flowing. But if you are sour-graping or just trying to be nice but with any level of underlying animosity whatsoever, then you are judging and pushing upstream.

Can you accept that I mix my east/west/spiritual schools in my examples? Uhh.. I mean allow it? HeeHee

Words are but symbols and their meaning is subject to judgment (interpretation), so it's really a lose/lose AND win/win AND win/lose AND lose/win proposition no matter how you slice it.