I Try....

I try to remain positive but it takes a lot of work.

I have to remember that the voids in my life are in order to inspire a longing that will motivate me forward in my journey.  The fuel as it were; or inspiration.

I have to embrace the anti-climax I feel within my life after the onslaught of big events or projects worked on, is actually allowing me to know that those are merely personal goals that are stepping stones to a larger overall goal.

I have to know that human nature is such that the golden rule has to apply in the majority of cases; and in order for that to be sustained, regardless of what is done to me, I must respond positively to sustain positive karma.  Even if it is not responded to positively, the balance of the universe is such that even the flapping of a butterfly's wings can create a hurricane. 

I have to depart from all sense of victimhood and embrace that everything happens for a reason and what is for me will not pass me.

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10 Responses Aug 27, 2008

I have had such hard times in life I really have. But I recently decided to tunr my life around. there was such emotional pain day in day out. I wanted the world to end. Never satisfied never feeling endless misery. The negativity has been like a cancer on my soul. I have become sick of it. I have been happen before. I have seen happpy people I know it exists. I decided to look into Buddhism. Buddhism is one of those good ideas that goes with everything. Every moment I succeed at being happy is one less that i don't have to be in pain. Developing an attitude of middle ground and love and compassion to all beings which includes myself. I have been poisoned by hate and watching people who are negative and won't do anything to make themselves well. My heart bled for people like that. But now I have a retreat from this. I have the sangha (group of buddhist that meet together) I have the dharma (the vituous path of higher truth) and I have the Buddha (the wise one who started it all)Not so much a religion but a new way of thinking. I can enjoy what i have in front of me and not need to replace it with situations and things in order to feel good.

Unnoticed, thank you for sharing that.

I try to remain positive about life too,but sometimes its not easy.I have m.s. and i know there is no cure.I always try to have a good outlook but some days it darn near impossibe.Expecially the days when I dont feel well enough to get out of bed,when everything hurts and you wonder will this ever end.But I do try to keep smiling and not let how I fell show thru.

Wow, your story is very insightful. Being positive to me was more discipline when I first decided to have that attitude in my life. As I have practiced through the years it has gotten much easier. I call it looking at the world through the eyes of my heart. I have also found that being an appreciator always gets me back on a positive track. Thank you for sharing you story.

You possess such wisdom and self understanding. Maintaining a positive attitude seems impossible sometimes, especially when life reminds you of where you have been. Let your vicitimhood free and believe in the worthwhile human being you are. Be strong. You will make it through.

WOW...Well SAID!!

i know what u mean. But sometimes the ones you work hard for, sweat for, are far more worth it than taking the easy way. (See i said something positive right?=)

I like your writing...I like linkenparkboo have problems with depression and bipolar so I have difficulty staying postitive, but I try very hard. Your writing is refreshing and inspiring. Thank you.

When I was about 6 my dad went insane. For the next 5 years we were tormented by his illness. He often didn't work and many times was in the mental hospital for 6 months at a time. There for we most of the time had no money. Power and phone were cut off, food ran out, and we had no money for things normal kids have like birthday and Christmas gifts. But in all those events some one always stepped in and provided. When we had no food, we were down to our last meal, some one would knock on the door and say they felt God was telling them to give us food and money. Now this was a big deal because very few people knew what was going on in our house. Around Christmas some one always bought us gifts, one time a whole class collected presents for us. And the church found out we were without phone and power, on several occasions, and each time stepped in and paid to put it back on.<br />
Dad's illness also caused him to be abusive. Mostly mentally and verbally but there were several occasions where it got physical.<br />
I prayed every day that God would make my dad better but instead 4 days before my 11th birthday, God took my dad. First he gave me a bad dad and then he left me fatherless. I was so confused.<br />
Jumping back now....<br />
When I was about 8 yrs old I was sexually assaulted on 3 occasions by a very close family member. After the crime, my weight sky rocketed. I was harassed harshly by every one. My peers, those younger, and adults. But no one knew what had happened to me. I didn't even know what had happened to me. He had told me that was he was doing God commanded him to do to make me a better/wiser person. He told me that what he was doing was a very good thing not bad. I had no reason to doubt him except for the horrible unexplainable fear I felt and the nauseating feeling of wrong in my heart. I had been so traumatized that I put it out of my mind. But it always ate away at me.<br />
When I was about 9-10 I got in a fight with a kid at my school and he shoved me on the ground. My knee started to bleed and they walked away. It was then that I found the comfort of bleeding. With in a few months I was intentionally hurting myself a few times a week to cause blood.<br />
By the time I was 13 I was overwhelmed with an addiction to cutting. and 13 is when my life spiraled even further downward. I was already doing bad things with bad people, refusing to see my family, attacking people with knives, experimenting with bulimia, and the list goes on. I had a terrifying dream one night that a man came into my room late at night and put his hand over my mouth and got into my bed and said if I made a single noise he would kill me. I screamed out for help and he got up and ran out of the room. Then I woke up. The next night I was still feeling te jitters from my dream and I laid in bed thinking what would I do if that really did happen. That is when the flash back came. Now old enough to know what is wrong and right, I remembered everything the man had done to me when I was 8. I realized he wasn't teaching me, he was raping me. I was so horrified that I couldn't even cry. I drew back from society even further than before. I was afraid of, and hated, all men.<br />
I was about 10 when I stopped believing in God but by 13 I had seen too much proof that he was out there, so I just thought he hated me, and boy was I bitter towards Him.<br />
Moms wedding came around and I hated Steve cuz I was convinced he was just going to wait a little while and then move in and hurt me.<br />
It came to trying on dresses and I refused to let any one in the fitting room with me cuz I didn't want them seeing all my cuts, but I knew that come the wedding day some one was going see some thing. So I had to stop cutting. 8 days I went with out cutting, that was the longest in years. Every day I had panic attacks, uncontrollable crying spells, and I constantly was shaking. The wedding got over with and I felt so weak. The moment Mom said I could get out of my dress, I was searching for something to cut myself with. After several minutes of searching I was in a panic because I couldn't find anything. Then out of the corner of my eye were scissors. I was so happy that I actually teared up. I rushed to the bathroom and because I was in such a frenzy I didn't even stop to think what I was doing. I grabbed my skin and cut off two big chunks. Before I would be proud of myself if I got past a certain number of cuts a day. But in this moment I was completely ashamed. It was the first time I realized I had a serious problem.<br />
Through out the next 6 months I fought the addiction the most I could but it still gradually got worse.<br />
Every time I would try to quit I would only last a few hours. The stress made me eat more too which made my weight go even farther up. On top of this every day I grew more and more bitter toward God, people, and life. Several times within that 6 month I attempted suicide, but every time I failed. Through that time my addiction grew to sometimes over 60 cuts a day(that's when I was so ashamed that I stopped counting, it may well have gotten over 100).<br />
July 15, 2005 The day my life was forever changed.<br />
I was home alone and I was once again cutting. I had my hand held radio with head phone on, some reason it was just something I liked while cutting.I clearly remember I was about to make my 42nd cut of the day. A song came on that I didn't like so I changed the station. I past a christian station and there was a guy singing about how God loves everyone and how God makes him so happy. For some reason a deep rage blew up out of me. I pulled off my headphones and threw the radio across the room and screamed "God!Why? Why? Why! You love every one? Ha! Why did you even create me huh? What did I do to make you hate me so much? Or did you just create me to have a little fun tormenting me? Why have you done this to me! Why do you hate me! Oh God why did you leave me!!!"<br />
I was terrified when I heard a man's voice next to me reply softly, "I never left you, I have always been right here with you. Waiting for you." I looked around in a panic that some strange man was in the house, but found no one. Suddenly my eyes were shut and I was taken to a different place. I was passing through the scenes of all the times where I thought I had been alone and betrayed. And there I saw Jesus next to me. When I was ridiculed about being ugly and fat, He was there saying in my ear "You are beautiful, don't listen to those lies". When I was abused by my dad, He was there telling me it would be alright, and his angels were there stopping Dad from going too far and taking my life. When Dad took his own life, it wasn't suicide, Jesus simply knew what was best for all of us and told him it was okay to come home now. While I was being assaulted He was the one putting the feelings in my heart that this was wrong and he was holding me and telling me it would be okay, at the same time he was screaming in the man's ear to stop.<br />
He was the one that told people to bring food and money and gifts. He had been the one that told the church when we had no power and phone.<br />
He had been with me every time I needed Him I just wouldn't listen to Him. Then I flashed back to the day in youth church when I decided God was real and I hated Him, He was there too, when I said I hate you, He had replied I still love you.<br />
<br />
I felt sick to my stomach when I snapped back to reality, I hadn't been done the great wrong in life, God had been done the great wrong. He never abandoned me, I abandoned Him. I bursted out in a deep sob and cried for repentance. I told Him of how hopeless I was and how I needed a new start, but every time I tried to start over I failed. I told Him that I would try again for Him, but that I desperately needed His help. I said "Oh God If you could ever even forgive me after all I have done. Oh God is there any way you could. I understand if you can't, I have been so horrible."<br />
Then I felt a strong urge to listen to my radio again. A wierd moment to want music but still. I got up and picked up my radio and turned it on. The first thing I heard was Jeremy Camp singing " The reason why I stand The answer lies in you You hung to make me strong Though my praise was few When I fall I bring your name down But I have found in you A heart that bleeds forgiveness replacing all these thoughts of painful memories But I know that your response will always be<br />
I'll take you back always Even when your fight is over now I'll take you back always Even when the pain is coming through I'll take you back"<br />
When I heard those words I cried harder than I have ever cried in my life. I knew I had been forgiven.<br />
That night I dedicated my life to Christ. The cravings to cut still came for about 2 weeks after that night but they were no where near as severe as my previously mild cravings. I never cut again after that night and it has almost 3yrs since I even had a craving to cut. The most amazing thing is I don't have a single scar. Even the scars from Mom's wedding day went away.<br />
Soon after that July day I was surrounded by a new group of friends that treat me much better and are much more followers of Christ. I lost 40lbs of fat, mainly because I started turing to God instead of food when under stress. I am much more happy and since then I was able to find the strength to tell my family what had happened when I was younger. I no longer have bitterness towards any of the people who did me great wrongs in the past, and many people I have even been able to revive the relationships with.

i am not a victim so i cannot say.. all i can say is that i being bipolar have the hardest time staying positive.. i have to make myself not be depressed... thanks for your blog