To Honor, To Love And To Cherish

I take my promises seriously, and so i think before i promise. So, when i made my wedding vows, 43 years ago, to honor, to love, and to cherish, from this day forth, till death us do part...I meant it......Unfortunately,my spouse did not keep t the love and cherish part,and so i have broken my promise.And our divorce has just happened.

it is sad to think that it honestly would have taken very little on the part of my spouse, to have kept the marriage intact. But, some promises are made dependent on another's promise.They are made dependent on the partner your with.. A marriage is between 2 people, living as one.But each person, loving and respecting the other. And so,with out the love and cherish part from my spouse, I felt that the marriage promise ended a long time ago, and there was no need to keep a promise, that was not cherished or honored by the spouse.
neuilly neuilly
61-65, F
8 Responses Oct 28, 2011

enna, you raised a very important difference, and you expressed it very well..thank you....that helps a lot.

Vows and promises should not be viewed as chains . . . some people are unable to recognise the truth of their situations in the way you have done, Neui. They feel that, once given, they cannot "go back" on those vows and promises EVER!<br />
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But that is looking at vows in a very negative way IMO. Those vows and promises are to keep you together when times are tough – when there is little money, or there are small children needing all your time and attention, or there is illness.<br />
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They are to hold two people together who are pulling apart because of the OUTSIDE pressures on their situation. When the pressure comes from WITHIN - where one spouse has unilaterally made decisions that seriously negatively affect the other spouse and the relationship - then those same vows and promises are NOT going to help make things better . . . They are simply going to CHAIN two people together who would both be better off and happier apart.<br />
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And for what purpose? Simply so someone can say:<br />
"I take my vows and promises seriously"??????????<br />
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That statement is a GREAT one when taking your vows and promises seriously helps you OVERCOME the difficulties in your life. It is a HOLLOW statement when all it does is prolong or extend the difficulties in your life.<br />
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Congratulations on seeing the difference - AND on acting on it!!

to try and re-connect after a long lapse of indifference, is really impossible..Because of the years of nothing, , there is now a problem with trust..And for me, it took such a long time for me to address all of these issues, i just can not take a risk and stay..it is just not a safe or sane thing for me to do..

Unconditional love could work in marriage when it comes from both sides.

I absolutely agree..and yes i think what really happens is people do not understand unconditional love..Unconditional love is suposed to be about trust and being able to address all issiue without fear . That is not what happens..Instead, it is like you said , unconditional love is interpreted as anything goes..and your supposed to love anyway.. <br />
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if I ever am granted a second chance, i certainly will pay attention, and address a lot of issues, and ask questions in a lot ofdifferent ways, to really get a true understanding of what is said, implied or promised.

Blue, I handled my situation in a similar fashion, but just didn't go through thr formality of a separtion..l simply just stayed. and hoped that the spouse would wake up..The problem is, when i finally needed to just say, i am done, i have no more to give to this,,Well, the spouse woke up form his years of slumber, but it was too late.. and i really had no more to give to this..<br />
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The spouse was stunned, and in shock, and very hurt, that after all his years of dissinterst, that i would leave..Why would any one expect a person to stay.if your not interested.? and so that was where it was left..I just had no more patience for the insanity of it all.<br />
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I am a firm believer, that marriage is a contract..Marriage involves responsability..marriage is a contactual promise between 2 people...and so you both have the responsability of making the marriage a loving and intimate and cherished union..If only one participant in the marriage is willing to be loving.. while the other partner is uninvolved...well then the marriage is broken and it is over.

My own situation was very similar. Literally the lights were on but nobody was home, and found how remarkable it can be to have someone physically present that was not really there. I came to the same conclusion over perhaps a 5 year period of time, the last 3 being critical. <br />
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So, after almost a full years separation, I returned to one who still had no interest in anything and declined any sort of marital counseling to seek a reconciliation- I guess you would call it...as this includes mutuality as well.<br />
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Now it had become evident that the marriage was reduced to a piece of paper because for all intents and purposes the marriage was truly dead and had been so for years now. I did not even hurry to file for the divorce upon my return and getting her non answers and answering close-ended questions with questions that I had to finally accept as her answer. <br />
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It seemed silly and even ignorant to throw away 22 years of marriage but again, it takes two. Some have commented on my taking so long to get the divorce, but it seemed a legal formality to me, a mere civil matter. However, over that time i tried everything I knew how and then several times over to save the marriage-and if for nothing else to do the best to honor those vows. <br />
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At the very least there was no stone left unturned when I visited my lawyer. Therefore, once it was finally all said and done, there were no 'coulda, shoulda, woulda's left to ponder.

Oh my heartbrakes for you but I understand how you feel. I hope that someday I will get married and that those vows we take are really and truly meant as I know I will mean them.