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I Too, Am Guilty Of Charge...

I met by boyfriend CJ in the Fall of  2007 and I can honestly say it was love at first sight. However, the second time I saw him where I was waitressing, he was under the influence. I thought it was an isolated event: boy from a small town in the service, away from home, hanging out with the wrong crowd...
I was going through a very rough patch in my marriage and my ex-husband and I had split and he told me for 5 months that there was no hope. I then started seeing CJ and it seemed like life had meaning again. He was nice, handsome, charming, caring, and giving. A little distant, but I thought it was because he was shy.

It turns out that after being together for over 5 months I realized he had been addicted to pain killers for 10 years. (it all started during HS). 

Now, after me getting divorced and 4 years of being with CJ, he left the service and is now with his parents... I still live in the place where he was stationed and he promised my son and I that he would come back... (kiddo is from a previous relationship) so my child is 6 years old and calls CJ "Daddy" up to this day.

He has bipolar disorder, PTSD, a drug addiction that has haunted him up to this day, and after him saying he would get help and come back home, everything has changed... Now he's saying he's not going to do rehab.

I have been having a very hard time lately with different things happening around me, and he told me he can't "waste" whatever little emotions he has right now on me... Every since April of this year when he left, he talked about me coming to visit for Christmas, since I've never been there (his money was always going to drugs so I refused to pay for my own ticket), but now he says he's not ready to see me during Christmas because he's still learning who he is...

He falls off the face of the earth for days at a time and I panic... It turns out nothing is happening, he's just in one of his bipolar episodes... I told him again and again that he needs help and not just for his addiction but for his bipolar as well, but he just won't listen.
It doesn't help that his parents keep sheltering and enabling the behavior...

I need the man I fell in love with back in my life... I know every time he deployed he came back worse because he never got help for his PTSD but rather used more every time, but I truly love him... My son loves him and I don't even know how to talk to either of them anymore! My son asks me crying when will he be back and CJ tells me he's not "ready" to see me for Christmas, even though I said I would pay for my own ticket...

2 days ago he told me he doesn't have it in him to be in a relationship with me and part of the reason was because he only saw me as a person he had to talk to on the regular basis and not his gf... He was referring to the intimate aspect of the relationship... I can't give him that aspect when he refuses to talk to me; I feel as if I had only been a piece of *** from the get go and that's the reason he never even put a ring on my finger! Of course I told him this and he denies it...

His insurance already ran out and he's only getting a patch to block the opiates. No help for his bipolar... According to (his) mom, he got some sleeping meds but I'm not really up to date with his med. appointments: he barely ever talks to me...

Last year around the same time he started getting withdrawn and I've read that's quite common for people with bipolar disorder: for some people it's the weather changes what triggers it. I met him during the Fall and I noticed he was happier during the Spring. This is the 3rd Fall we spend together as a couple and it follows the same pattern: "I don't wanna be with you, I love you and I care about you but I just don't have it in me anymore..." Yet again he won't let me go.

I've been going to therapy for 5 months now and it's helped but I still find myself obsessing over him. I love him and I don't wanna lose him... Yet again the only hope he gives me to be together is for me to drop everything and move to where he is (which is half the country away), based on the resources his family can provide... I refuse to do that since I support my aging mother and my son. I also have a steady job and income, as well as a mortgage under my name. He doesn't have a job right now: he's living off unemployment, GI Bill, and his parents. I told him that until he can show some responsibility and ability to afford his own bills, then I won't consider moving... Of course I would have dropped everything and left with him a long time ago, but plans keep changing according to him and I can't be bounced around from one place to the next with my family...
He's even talked about getting back in the service. Who knows?

I don't think I could wait until Spring Break to see him... Especially since he's not very talkative right now: I'm lucky if I get one text message per day from him...  Everyone says to just walk away but it's honestly way easier said than done...

Any help on this matter would be highly appreciated.

Wen
Sophie83 Sophie83 26-30 1 Response Nov 28, 2011

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It's so strange, my situation is very similar to yours, and I completely understand where your coming from in making that decision. Mine just got a job, but after 2 years of the emotional roller coaster we've been on from the opiates I don't know if I can handle the possibility anymore and the distance really makes it difficult as well~one state away but when money's an issue as you said, yeah. Mine's reserved too, sheltered, talented, handsome, but he's rotted his mind and his body away on that stuff. Too many times to count I come back and he's still mean/not very understanding and relapses after promising to be clean. Yours though, sounds like he's more on the depressed/I give up feeling of bipolar. Mine's bipolar maybe even schizoid ~Goes from calling me everyday and night, giving gifts, then swings to insulting me, cursing at me (and even death threatening his mom), and not spending a dime on not but himself. ~I think maybe yours needs help like you said, but because he doesn't listen to you ~ he could be so depressed he doesn't care, and if there's so much disconnect it makes you wonder, if I left him, would he finally change for the better? Maybe that's what it takes? And if it's your happiness that matters, should it really even matter, especially if he doesn't seem to care, why should you? I'm sure you think of such things. ~For me it's like, I've been burnt and lifted and burnt again so many times I don't know if I want to deal with it anymore. It as as you said, a very hard decision to make. You have to think on all the up sides in your life, how you would handle moving/being single again. It's tough, the idea of being by yourself, but perhaps that's what you need to do in order for things to truly change for the better? Your son too, needs someone that can be around. Or just having a strong, happy mom can work wonders. In the end it is truly your decision. Gah, and yes, it is a damn hard one.

Anyway, I hope you can find an answer, as I will try to make a decision as well. It's tough, hang in there, you can do it! What ever it is you decide you just gotta make that leap and stick to it~ Good Luck. If you'd like~ update me on what you decide to do, I'm curious as well. As mine's been on the pain killers for the last 4 or 5 years now, off and on. It's a different situation but for most I hear, separation usually is the answer~unless they conciously make a change(as mine keeps doing over and over)and go to NarAnon ~mine won't do that either : / he doesn't like most people. ~I think yours is afraid as well, I think it's a male pride thing lol.

~I do hope things get better for you, again good luck!