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What Is Up With Me Today?!?!

I’m in such a funk today! I can’t figure out what it is! Maybe it’s the grey sky? Maybe it’s my hormones? I am way too low on Xanax for comfort which usually makes me edgy! I get anxious and jittery. Today, however I am so blah! I can’t concentrate on work. I keep singing songs in my head and staring into space without realizing I’m doing it until the phone rings or someone comes in my office.

I should be peppy and in a good mood! I’ve lost weight! My rings hardly fit me now. My pants are loose. My sister is coming to visit from Ohio on Thursday. I haven’t seen her or my brother-in-law in a really long time! I get a raise and bonus at the end of the month. So, what’s my problem?

*Sighs* I’m homesick. Not the kind of homesick when you just want to go home and go to bed. No this is much worse. I want to see my pretties on the shelves and smell coffee and pot and stale cigarette smoke. I want my chair and my blanket and my DVR and a bottle of Merlot. I want to drink till I get sleepy and stubble up the stairs, almost trip over a cat, and fall into a soft bed with fuzzy blankets and heavy comforter and my pillow under my neck and one under my knees. I want to curl up there. I can see myself, no make-up, old grey, terribly mangled t-shirt, my hands tucked under my chin. I can feel the softness of the fuzzy blanket, the weight of the comforter and even more weight of a cat creeping over my legs to the warm spot beside me. I’d give anything just to feel safe, secure, home. I want arms wrapped around me tight.

I guess maybe it’s nostalgia that plagues me today. I can’t get anything done today at work. Tears well up in my eyes for no reason even when I am not thinking about anything but the song in my head. I don’t actually cry. I just get teary eyed out of the blue, staring into space, for no reason. My chest feels heavy. It takes more effort than usual to smile when I greet them in the hallway.

I’m just going to be easy with myself today. It will pass. Tomorrow I may be 100% better?

Aw8ingf8 Aw8ingf8 26-30, F 5 Responses Mar 2, 2010

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I get hormonal sometimes and it makes all the little things that are bothering at the forefront of my mind and unavoidable. ick. I'm glad you got through it!

LMAO That's good! When my niece was that age she was a terror! Most family members refused to baby sit her. I used to take her to McDonalds, get her a happy meal, and let her go crazy on the play ground while I read a book.

C'mon! You have NEVER done that? Every parent I know has had a day (or a few) where their lil one with the shrill voice, dirty germy hands that have to touch EVERYTHING, got to them and said, "Open wide! Mommy thinks you're getting a sniffle!" LMAO

A spoonful of Benadryl should make bed time come earlier! LMAO I'm kidding... Kind of.

The feeling did pass.... Hey, I'm a recreational sleeper! Bed time means a lot to me! I miss my bed! =`[ Just know that when you're done with work, you can get into bed! :)