I Try To Speak From The Heart
I’m in such a funk today! I can’t figure out what it is! Maybe it’s the grey sky? Maybe it’s my hormones? I am way too low on Xanax for comfort which usually makes me edgy! I get anxious and jittery. Today, however I am so blah! I can’t concentrate on work. I keep singing songs in my head and staring into space without realizing I’m doing it until the phone rings or someone comes in my office.
I should be peppy and in a good mood! I’ve lost weight! My rings hardly fit me now. My pants are loose. My sister is coming to visit from Ohio on Thursday. I haven’t seen her or my brother-in-law in a really long time! I get a raise and bonus at the end of the month. So, what’s my problem?
*Sighs* I’m homesick. Not the kind of homesick when you just want to go home and go to bed. No this is much worse. I want to see my pretties on the shelves and smell coffee and pot and stale cigarette smoke. I want my chair and my blanket and my DVR and a bottle of Merlot. I want to drink till I get sleepy and stubble up the stairs, almost trip over a cat, and fall into a soft bed with fuzzy blankets and heavy comforter and my pillow under my neck and one under my knees. I want to curl up there. I can see myself, no make-up, old grey, terribly mangled t-shirt, my hands tucked under my chin. I can feel the softness of the fuzzy blanket, the weight of the comforter and even more weight of a cat creeping over my legs to the warm spot beside me. I’d give anything just to feel safe, secure, home. I want arms wrapped around me tight.
I guess maybe it’s nostalgia that plagues me today. I can’t get anything done today at work. Tears well up in my eyes for no reason even when I am not thinking about anything but the song in my head. I don’t actually cry. I just get teary eyed out of the blue, staring into space, for no reason. My chest feels heavy. It takes more effort than usual to smile when I greet them in the hallway.
I’m just going to be easy with myself today. It will pass. Tomorrow I may be 100% better?
