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Thoughts Of Yesterday And Today And The Feeling Of Same Old .. Same Old

    If i could figure out where my life was taking me id be there already . I always had been searching for what it seemed like dead ends. whats over the wall i keep hitting? , is it different ? can I or will I ever see it ? I'm a dreamer but sometimes i feel as if my dreams were being hijacked from my spirit . GET A JOB ! , How do you live with nothing ? these are all questions Ive heard through my life. I'm at a crossroads . A transit so I'm told . but i still feel as if nothing I'm doing is proactive . me writing this is a waste of my time says people who want me to get a job and get a place. But in a way i feel like a mooch and i feel like a burden to my family and my friends . to all the girl friends I had been hateful to . Just got out of a relationship where I lost it all in one night .

   I lost my apartment, my girl friend, my phone and everything i thought was not a dead end anymore. Then I realized I had seen the same thing before in a past relationship and realized I should of been able to pick up the same tell tale signs of failure once again.  jail is where I usually end up . nothing major just misdemeanor warrants in two states. Mom says  she cant have me hiding out at her house . but I'm not hiding I'm ******* being a son at her house . she can get mad at me for having a petty warrant but when it comes to my brother staying over. she don't mention how he may get arrested because he don't pay his child support ? because I'm the black sheep . The troubled one and the youngest . 

  I remember throughout life it felt like I didn't get the same kind of love that they had for my brother . not just with my mom but my whole family on my moms side . if they only of known how i really felt . I felt like Ive been a burden on my mother since i was a child and she found it easier when i was 10 to send me to Arizona with my uncle to live because quote "I WAS A TERROR " . My dad always made me feel loved tho . id see him every other weekend when i was little and growing up . i am my fathers only son so there was no other child of his in the house to make me feel less . me and my brother are half brothers same mom different dad . 

 I loved my dads side of the family especially my grandparents , My Abuela and Abuelo the most beautiful nicest honest people in my life and I'm sure to anyone they have met . my dads side of the family are middle class , Cuban and close family. my moms side of the family is a bit wealthier and not as close. my mom and her sisters for years go through spurts of "I'm not talking to her ! " and weird dis communication with family because of inner feuds i had and still dint know anything about.  

  I have been going to jail ever since i was about 15 and 16 I'm 21 now and have been to jail more times then i can count . Got alchol poisoning in 8Th grade, been to rehab and a wilderness program . Learned nothing except that the only hellish thing they could do to me is turn me into a ******* square. Ive experimented with allot of drugs through my life because I was introduced early at the ripe age of 9 by a group of my brothers friends . My brother was gone to go get some cigarettes from the store when i walked through his room to get to my room . as I walk in I notice the familiar aroma in the air that i never understood completely ."You want a rip little man ? " one of his friends said giggling on the futon . " sure , out of the smoke tube ? " I called the bong a smoke tube because I didn't know what the **** it was .  then they end up filling the smoke tube up to maximum capacity for me then they have me at the age of 9 clear this ******* milky rip of death . I coughed for what seemed like hours .

  

  
AwakingDreamWalker AwakingDreamWalker 22-25, M 4 Responses Oct 12, 2010

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Thank you

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

- Confucius



It can take a while to find your own identity separate from that as a child of your parents growing up. The fact you're asking questions is a start.



One's past need not define one's future, and you've got all of yours ahead of you mister ;)

I am to blame

If I understand what you're saying, and I'm not sure, you accept no responsibility for being in jail and breaking the law? It sounds like everyone else is to blame?