The Blackness Inside

I understand Don.  Sometimes.  I understand on one level, but when i stand back and look at myself, i do not recognize that person.  I am crazy, i think; no just confused. No, i am right for acting that way. No, i am a sick bastard, a sorry SOB, a looser, a cad, a cheater, a louse.  I hate myself. I hate what i have done, and what i have become, and what i have done to my darling, my  lover, my partner, my wife.  

How could I do such a terrible, selfish, dastardly thing?  How?  But in the cold light of day, i know I did it.  I did it. I looked to another for comfort when things were bad; instead of looking to my true love, i emotionally left her, if only for a little while - it is no excuse.  I have no excuse.  I  have truth.  And i cannot look at myself without feeling disgust.

I struggle to understand myself; I condemn myself for what I have done.  Now it is time to see me, the real me.  To deal with what i have done; to make amends, to heal my sickness; to change.  But first, i need to look inside and understand myself.  Why? Why did I do this horrible, stupid, selfish thing?

I know why; and i do not call myself names; i just see myself -  and i am both disgusted, yet strangely accepting of what i see.  I see a man that is fickle; he is never satisfied with what he has - he is always looking for something a little bit..."better" or "newer", or "different" - depending on what "better" is, depending on what it is I am unhappy with.   If it is a car, i want to make it better, refurbish it, increase its performance, make it look better, change it.  If it is a job,  i am not happy to have a good one, i am looking for a better job - higher pay, doing something different, a better title, a better place to live, a new start.  

 I am rarely satisfied with the big things in life, or something I perceive to be flawed.  Why, i have yet to figure out; something from my childhood?  Some event in my past?  Someday i will have that awareness; that insight.  But for now, it is enough to know that is who i am.  

It is one thing to want to make your car more attractive, or to find a job that is really better; but sometimes, better isn't even in play... sometimes i just am never satisfied, even if i have what others envy and would treasure, protect, and cherish.  I have been like that with my Penny.  I took her for granted, i became complacent, familiar, and sometimes, bored.  I did not appreciate what a blessing she was, she is, to me.  I looked elsewhere when i should have looked inside US.  I betrayed her, US, and in my sick weakness, i deserted her, emotionally.  And then, to cover my tracks, i lied, and lied, and lied. I put her, my Penny, my eternal soul-mate, my love and my wife, through hell.  I damn near gave up on everything i professed to hold dear and precious in my life - for something different, shiny, new.  And, she STILL loves me, despite the pain i give her, despite the battering i have given her mind, and her soul; despite ALL, she STILL loves me.   

It takes but a moment of clarity; i realize what on earth i have done; how lost i am, how empty i have become.  I cry, i flog myself inside ...i stare blankly at the floor, i feel like crawling into a hole and covering myself up - both to hide, and to punish myself.  I am disgusted.  That is the blackness...

But, inside of the blackness, i find something inside me, something to hold onto, to stand on, to be the foundation for becoming better, newer, different.   something that IS true, real, and strong. something i seem to have overlooked or forgotten in everything before; something i put on a shelf and admired, but did not truly use to its best ability; what i have found, and now know is the one thing I should have kept in front of me the whole time, is my love for my darling wife. 

it is there, and in the darkness, it provides light; in my horror, it provides safety and comfort.  I love Penny; I do love her; i cannot help myself - my love is a fact i cannot deny.  it is the foundation i will use to open up the hole, and emerge, and to rebuild OUR relationship upon. It should have been the keystone before,  NOW, it will be...

There is a lot of work I need to do; the job ahead of me is difficult, often frustrating, and it will take a lifetime to get it right.  But WE have agreed that what we once had momentarily is something we want again.  We want US back.  I want US back.  I understand. I will not keep love on a shelf, i will tend it, care for it, cherish it, look after it, and help it grow.  I have too.  Otherwise, i am empty, soulless, and black.
  
I understand myself sometimes, and other times I do not.  I am everything, yet nothing; i am a contradiction.  I am me.

I Love You, my Penny, you, not some distant, glimmer that might work out; no, my love is for YOU, and there it will stay, it must stay, it has to stay.  That much, I do understand. for without my Penny and her love, there is blackness.   

A very humble, very foolish, very embarrassed, very contrite, and now very dedicated...
AgingTiger





  


headstrongheart headstrongheart
56-60, M
2 Responses Jul 17, 2010

That looking for something different, new etc. comes from identifying with what you have as opposed to who you are which is love and awareness. It's an ego thing.

My love,<br />
As always, you write beautifully. Your words painting just the picture you want us to see. I pray you're right...that we can get through this...for without you, there is no life...there is only existence. I, too, stare blankly at the floor....wanting to forgive....and forget..unable to stop the words echoing in my brain. I will not recount them, we both know what they were. I know... even as I cling to them, turning them over in my mind, searching for one true thing..for some glimmer of truth....that my inability to let them go threatens to make all your work of none effect. Still.....I go back to them , again and again...or rather let them come to the surface,and take my mind back to that vicious circle. Not all of the work to be done is yours.....I must find a way around this....and I have no ******* idea how to do it!! I sincerely hope I can find a way to let them go...because..I DO love you..I have all along...knowing the things about you that you yourself are only now finding out/admitting to....I just never thought I would be your victim....I thought would be your "partner in crime"...giving you something you had never had before. Someone to care what you want, and need. What makes you excited and fulfilled. My role has now come into question...I don't know who I am in relation to you....and therefore, I have no idea how to fulfill that role...but I will try..I must..it is all I have...<br />
<br />
Your<br />
Penny