My Story Of Battling This For 8 Years
Also, I will post my testimony/backstory here to read.
I would like to start with a brief recap of my life leading up to my initial hospitalization and diagnosis, and then acceptance of Jesus Christ as my savior. I was born on September 5th, 1986 in Binghamton New York. I was raised in a Christian family, who took me to church up until age 12. At age 2 I started riding a bike without training wheels, and at age 4 I was racing BMX in Binghamton New York. I managed to do very well even with breathing problems, and I made it to #2 or #1, in my age division for my state. I had my share of crashes, and head blows. I said this because it may have played a part in my later troubles.
In my spiritual life, up to age 12 I believed in God, but I was never interested in him and planned on worrying about him when I was old. What a mistake. At age 12 we took a trip to an event called "Gold Rush" in Tennessee, and at the end they had a call to the cross. When they had the call I wanted to go badly, but I couldn't for some reason.
From then on, age 13-17, was a downward spiral. At an early age I found some of my parents **** they had hid away on accident. From there I became addicted to ****, and online gaming. Since at age 13 the internet was just becoming more mainstream I was hooked. I would spend obsessive amounts of time in there, to the point my vision was ruined and I needed glasses. I didn't want to wear glasses though, because I was self-conscious, so I went around school "blindly" literally and figuratively.
My days in high school were good up until the end of 10th grade. I started becoming severely withdrawn and depressed, and I started skipping school. I also was in a rock band called "High Energy Jive Engines", and that led to smoking marijuana about 10 times. Whenever i smoked it, I got a weird sensation in my head, and I felt extremely paranoid. Little did I know this was only the beginning of my decent into madness.
After I started smoking marijuana and skipping school, I then began getting more "spiritual", and starting meditating. I then started getting delusions that I could levitate, or move things with my mind (telekinesis), and generally become muddled mentally. All these weird spiritual ideas clouded my thinking, and I believed opened me up to evil spiritual assault on heavy scales.
What eventually led up to the breakdown, was that I took a trip to the Carolina's to visit my uncle. During that stay we received a phone call that my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. We went to the church my uncle goes to, and they had a call to the front for prayer. I went, and I cried there a good long time and started becoming even more emotionally unstable.
Seeing my mother going through radiation was horrible, and I eventually started turning more and more to God, but sadly my mind was a mess and I was a wreck. God was still good though. One day I became so psychotic that I though I was demon possessed and I called my grandparents, who came to my house and tried to exorcise me, which didn't really do much of anything.
What eventually ended up happening is that I stopped eating and drinking because I read the bible verse, "This kind comes out only by fasting and prayer." And in my deluded mental state I thought I needed to fast and pray then, so that's what I did. I stopped eating, and drinking which made me more insane.
It came to the point that I was down to 128 lbs and I am 5' 11. I was in my bathtub covered in my own urine, feces, and vomit, screaming for Jesus to save me. My dad awoke around 3 am, told me to wash up, get dressed, and eat so I did. I started having delusions I was being crucified like Jesus, and it physically felt like I was, and other weird nonsense.
The next day, I wandered into a church certain I was possessed after all that was happening to me. Peoples faces turned evil, and it appeared as if they had fangs. I was hearing voices, seeing things, and my mind felt under demonic influence because of the thoughts I was thinking.
Thankfully, my neighbor has a mother with schizophrenia, who has had it 60 years (She is in her 90's). She told my parents to take me to CPEP, which is a mental health crisis unit. Once there I told them all my ranting about how the rapture was going to happen soon, and other things I can't remember. Soon, in came a nurse with a needle. Then I was knocked out for 2 days.
When I woke up I was in Memorial 5 unit, in Binghamton General Hospital, with my mind feeling like it was smashed into a wall full force. When I awoke, a nurse was hovering over me, and I saw an angel. It was a golden haired angel with a bright light shining down upon its head forming a golden halo. Up until that point, I had only seen scary things. This was the first good thing.
I was starving so I decided to eat some food. And lo and behold, the first person I met was a wiccan. I told her Jesus loved her no matter what, and she gave me a big hug.
That night I laid in bed talking to God, telling him how sorry I was for the way I lived. The pastor of the church I went to came and visited me, and I told him a lot of what I was going through. That night I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior, and when I did the Holy Spirit appeared. He was dressed in white robes, and sat at the end of my bed and touched my left foot. He reached inside me, and it started what felt like cleansing me from the sin and nonsense inside me. When he was done I had a vision of the New Jerusalem coming down from heaven, and some other things. Then I felt 1000 pounds lighter.
I can't type my whole story here, that was just a brief re-cap of my life story up to my first hospital stay, and diagnosis with schizophrenia. There are 11 more hospital stays that occurred, as well as a suicide attempt.
Through it all, ever since I accepted Jesus Christ that first night. He has been my constant companion and support. I've laughed with him, cried with him, suffered with him, despaired in pain from what I was going through with him, hoped in him, hoped with him, contended with the faith in him, bled with him, got angry and things too when my faith was weak, and I lived for him daily. He is my rock in this place of trial and tribulation. And because Jesus, he is the only single reason I am still alive and breathing. Thanks, and may God bless