My Tale

I sufferered from insecurities even as a small child. I used to hear a voice inside saying 'dont smile because it makes you ugly'. So when I was caught off guard and actually laughed I would quickly cover up my face. That was one of my earliest memories from school.. so anyway, as I grew up I kind of learned not to listen to them. I developed an argumentative confident voice to be louder in my head than the negative. The loud voice became my confidence. Then when I was 22 something happened to me that kicked me straight into a non-reality. A black world, where I really couldn't see any light.

And then I met my partner. I fell in love because he understood. He had been where I had been and that was such a strong bond.

But then after the golden sunshine sparkle that life has when your in love, the clouds started creeping in and it became apparent that he never got out of his bubble, he was still there when we met and so was I.

So I had to start a journey to understand. I for me and my partner at least, I understand schizophrenia.

SuzyWongx SuzyWongx
31-35, F
5 Responses Oct 23, 2007

From what I understand, people who develope the disease often have experienced significant amounts of social hostility in their lives, often times since an early age. The voices they hear in their heads are voices that they have often heard in life. Condemnatory voices, judging voices, hostile or humiliating voices are often the result of actual such comments being made and, if you ask me, I would say that they form a cognitive loop which leads to dissociation; like being in a trance. I have heard "crazy" people sitting by themselves talking or walking down the street talking to themselves and it has always been evident that they are re-experiencing a highly upsetting argument which they had with someone else or else they are simply linking and associating a string of ideas, and if you are very well read you will see their train of thought. If you are not well read, then you will imagine that they are simply making no sense at all. They are in fact making sense, you simply don't get it because you can't following the associations, you can't see how the thoughts are linked and you anticipate that what they are saying makes no sense. I have been in foreign countries, and in trying to speak foreign languages I have found that those who anticipate that they will not understand me invariably don't understand a single word that I utter. And those who anticipate that they will understand me definately do. As a general rule, the dumber the listener, the more likely it is that they will not understand you.

I was diagnoised with schizophrenia. I dont think i have schizophrenia. I dont think i have a mental problem. My life that im living is not my life.

Most people with schizophrenia never beleive they have it.If you have been diagnoised, i will advise that you talk to someone you really do trust in your behavioral pattern.Then you need to get on your meds. fast

Thank u destinybeckons. Iam on meds & i do have a therapist. But still the same.

y do u think joan of arc suffered with schizophrenia?

I too understand Schizophrenia. I have been there for 15 years. Recently I lost my job and it looks like it will be difficult for me to find another one.<br />
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I battle family and relatives blaming me for not being cured by their daily recommendations they found on the internet.<br />
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Supposedly this cures voices in your head. Eat more eggs, eat more veggies, drink a lot of water. Stop drinking diet soda, etc..<br />
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Because I don't follow 1 or more of the above, I'm to blame. They have no clue. Schizophrenia was even around in the 1600's. Tell me Joan of Arc was not schizophrenic, they thought she was a witch and burned at the stake. I bet she was schizophrenic.<br />
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Anyhow, I understand.

What culture taught you that a smile made you ugly?<br />
Or did you have bad teeth?<br />
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To combat dispair, one can begin by smiling, sometimes when you notify your face to act with a smile, you actually begin to smile. <br />
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