I Can't Cheat On Him--My Love Affair With God

As I sit from day to day and observe myself, I have come to realize that in spite of sometimes feeling lonely and having a desire from time to time to be touched by a man; I can't go through with such actions. It has been about 5 years since my last intimate encounter. I lost contact with a lot of carnal desires when I lost over 200 pounds. Don't get the wrong idea, it wasn't a thing of vanity; it was more of the thought "you didn't want me when I was fat, so you don't want me now" type of mindset.  I'm so tired of being served lame lines of lust filled come ons from the same men, if you want to call them that, that made fun of me as a super morbidly obese woman and that's a BIG turnoff. I looked to God and despite the fact that I don't have a definite church home to attend on a regular basis; I formed a more intimate relationship and bond with Him. I learned to confess my love for Him on a regular basis and I got a much deeper understanding that He loves us as we are; It doesn't matter how we look or anything---He loves us! The longer I meditate and look up to God the easier it is for me to continue my journey.

I have become a woman that has dignity and pride about my womanhood and I refuse to allow carnal desires to rule or defile my flesh. I've tried to envision myself with a man, but not just any man, one that I can relate to and build a strong, solid relationship with.............I just can't do it!!!!  The thought of lying with a man flies out of my head faster than a feather being blown by a gust of strong wind. I would feel as though I'm cheating on God and I can't throw this love affair into the wind, there's not a man in this world worth the deliberate sabotage. I have had several chances to blow this naturally supernatural affair but my heart just isn't in it. I can't thoroughly explain this love affair with a Man I've never seen. There are times when I feel like He doesn't care or He's turned His back on me but  I realize He hasn't forsaken me nor has He left me, in order for that to take place I would have to turn my back on Him....and as I stated above, my heart is not in it. I am thankful to Him for even allowing me such an opportunity. 

I've read about others that have "experimented" and they swear straight up and down that going without intimacy and meditating from day to day does NOTHING for them. I'm not looking down on people that engage in fleshly desires or just can't seem to get away from the thoughts, whatever works for you, it's just not for me BUT I am a living witness that it does do something; at least it did for me. I believe it has enhanced me spiritually but I have always prayed for spiritual gifts and abilities and that has brought me closer to the One that I know loves me no matter what and it's evident that the feelings are mutual. I don't have any regrets about this decision; the only regret I have is that more people can't achieve the same state of mind and level of love for God that I have--------it's truly mind blowing and satisfying.  I know I'm not the only one but I am one of many that have chosen to share their story about a love affair with God. I may look like I'm lonely and at times  I may even feel lonely but I'm not....I'm not desperate either. There are so many in the world looking for love and it's possible that they are looking in all the wrong places; my advice is to try looking up and then getting down (on your knees). Oh, you think I need to find love?!  Now, why in THIS world would I want to look for love when I'm already in a relationship that's indescribably beautiful?! 
secretagent4lady secretagent4lady
41-45, F
Jan 16, 2013