Sleep, Forget, Cope?

Do I drink every day? Not all the time. Do I drink excessive amounts? Not all the time. Is alcohol my first port of call (no pun intended) when I have a bad day? Yes. Every time.

I've tried pot once, hated it. Never tried any other drugs. But alcohol has always been there. I first got drunk, gosh, I was maybe 12? I liked the way it made me feel, all fuzzy, the edges softened, those things or parts of me I didn't like, or made me feel uncomfortable - they were gone. 

And that's it started. And 18 years later, alcohol is still what I turn to first. And yes, I'm on my 2nd bottle of wine as I type this. It helps me sleep, when otherwise I wouldn't, and it takes the pointy corners away. 

What makes this better than anti-depressant drugs, which is possible what I need? Nothing, necessarily, except that I don't have to ask or talk to anyone to explain why. It's the easy way out. And from the person who always seems to take the hard road, that's not easy to admit.

Why is asking for help so difficult? Why do I perceive it as failure? Why do I perceive failure as a bad thing?
Flickster Flickster
26-30, F
May 16, 2012