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Up In Smoke?

Hi all,

I'm pretty shocked to come across this group, and a part of me is happy because I've known all my life that cannabis cures something that nothing else could - the way I felt.

I started self-harming when I was thirteen after the departure of my abusive alcoholic mother.  I overdosed at fifteen, suffered two teen pregnancies that resulted in termination, and after leaving home at 17 due to the breakdown in relationship with my father, I started to hit the bottle heavily.  Around this time I was raped by two men I thought I could trust, and I dropped out of school with all hopes of me going to university gone.  These are just a few events that probably caused me a great deal of trauma, but when I started smoking cannabis, it gave me the strength to live with these demons at a time when I wasn't getting any support or therapy.

At 18 I met a guy who introduced me to skunk weed.  From the moment I had my first toke I immediately felt relieved of all of the anxiety, inner turmoil, self destructive behaviour, manic energy, the list goes on, but I was rid of all the extreme emotions I had experienced from such a young age, the emotions that were destroying me and my ability to form relationships with others.  It became a daily habit.  It stopped me thinking and helped me focus on my studies.

Between 18 and 25 I worked full time and studied part time at Uni, eventually graduating.  After I graduated, I got a well paid job in London and until I had a breakdown at 27, I was considered to have made a success of my life considering the rock bottom I had hit at 17.

I know that I did this, but I doubt I could have done it without cannabis.  Unfortunately it became my lifeline and my relationship with cannabis turned into an abusive one.  I now struggle with my dope dependency, I have tried to quit twice over the last eighteen months, to no success.  

I was recently diagnosed with BPD and now I'm starting to see that I have been self-medicating for a very long time.  But, I dream of living a life where I don't depend on anything to keep me stable.  I'm also on anti-depressants now for the first time in my life and these keep me fairly calm.  

I'm really interested to see that there are other people out there that use cannabis to cope with BPD.  I will be keeping a close eye on this group and hope to talk to some of you too!

xxx
voiceofautumn voiceofautumn 26-30, F 2 Responses Dec 30, 2011

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Thank you for sharing your story with us :) I myself use marijuana to self medicate. I've been put on drugs before to help with my BPD and depression, but they never worked. Actually they just made the problems worse if you believe it. I've cut back a lot these past few months, learning other ways to cope. But nothing helped as much as a good couple tokes of pot. If you'd like to talk I'll be around :)

Thank you for your lovely comment. From what I can gather, there are no medications that treat BPD, it's all about the therapy, or so they keep telling me. I was only diagnosed six months ago so I have little awareness still about BPD. All I know is the only thing that calms me in the moment is a good old smoke, but I'm worried I'm only damaging my mind further in the process. Would love to chat sometime, speak soon, off to bed now! xx

I would get off all drugs and use the proper medical marajuna.

I assume you are in the states? In the UK marijuana is not available on prescription.