Used To, Can't Wait to Again, But Not So Sure What Will. . ..

I did this for a long time b/f i was diagnosed along with ephedra, alcohol, and weed primarily, but other recreational drugs also. anyway i really felt like weed made me better and that i really needed it.eventually i started smoking around the clock and felt really anxious or angry when i wasn't high. i felt like an outsider to society. eventually i had a 'drug induced manic episode' so that was f(*^cked up. i'm sure the drugs contributed but so did life's stress. (after being on depakote which made me feel depressed, fat, and tired i got off and went back into denial about having bipolar real fast after the initial episode.) i don't know i was in AA for four years of sobriety (was pretty stable)after that. just had lots of little mood swings or minor one's but nothing major and no major stresses, recently got diagnosed bipolar again after life hit me hard with stress. health probs, relationship ending, a big move. retriggered the bipolar so i realize i do have it for real. then i start thinking sh(t i'm not an alcoholic i'm just self medicating so i want to see if i can drink like a 'normal' person. now i'm self medicating with booze and i can't wait to get my hands on weed. i'm also working with a dr. waiting for meds lamictal to kick in and taking klonopin which does take the edge off. i am going through a rough time right now. i'm hoping i can be stabalized primarily with the lamictal. anyway i definitely have abused drugs in the past i'm hoping with the medication i can act responsibly but for me, i'm not so sure i can mange myself with them. i got kind of disconnected from reality before but in any case i also know myself a hell of a lot better now so i'm just waiting for a hook up and we'll see. so far, with klonopin i can drink moderately no problem whereas before i'd just get tones down my energy level so when i drink it's more calming and less like i want to get really messed. i have been doing it frequently however to help with motivation and pain control from chronic pain.also to cope with staying with my parents temporarily. cheerio! peace!
26-30, F
Apr 8, 2007