The Hole Inside

I was 20 years old, in an interigation room. My friend told on me, and they wanted me to tell on him. They realy did not want to put me in prision, but i would not tell on him. So there I was Bi-polor 2, rappid cycling, mixed mood, with scitzo, idiologys; no meds that worked but they made me take them. By the time the train pulled into Menard tripple max security prision, I was washed up. Crazy as hell. First day a guy and his friend tryed to jump me, I was gone, So tricked em and jumped them. That got attention, after talking to me, the packed me up and sent me to Menard psyc. only place on earth worse than menard prision. Its gone now the federal government shut it down long ago. But there I was With The crimenaly insaine. Everyone was fighting over who was God. 600 of them. It was so loud. so in the middle of it all, I said Im Satan. The whole place got guiet. Gaurds were rolling, lol, The sarge had worked there over 20 years, said it was never that Quit. Somehow, I belived it the more Prolixen " very powerfull meds for scitzophrainea" got into my system. I tryed to fight, They came in my cell three deep, dressed in riot gear, with shealds, helmit, padding and one mean oak stick 3 feet long that hurt bad. For the next nine months every three days I got to taste that oak stick. I fought for all I had but the needel always came out bent and empty. They told my parent I was to far gone there was no need to nsee me and infact it was a security breach to let me see my mom. sorry I have stop, never new it hurt so bad. Ok now I got to tell it, I'm not afraid of them any more, only these resentments. I thought I really was the devil for nine straight months. I would get the shot. It Knocked me out for 24 hours our so. Then I would stand up with my hands to my side and try to go to heaven. If I could stand still, not breath, not eat our go to the bathroom. I failed every time, keep in mind, if i failed id go to hell and erupt into flames for ever. So I would regroup, try again real fast. breathing hart, paniced as can be. In the end I would always wet my self trying to go to heaven so I would not burn. Oh my God There is so much going on in me. This is hard to tell you all. The prisoners that worked on the gallery " hallway" would make fun of me and try to be homosxual with me. I was frail from not eating, if I eat I would burn. I only shower when forced by the goone squad and the sticks that hurt. after I lost the fight they would push me into a shower ,that I was certian would erupt me into flames. then I could not get ouut least I burn. No matter what I did I would burn at any second. I would not talk eather. I stated giving up after a few months. at pionts in the day I would get up on my sink and try to dive onto my head. Then If I failed that and could not kill me, Id burn. I,d fail. Funny thing but I think its impossible to dive onto your head, crazzy as all get out and My body just would not let me do it. I used every thing to hang my self. I used my sheet so they took it, pants, shirt tryed failed. they always cut me down before I was dead. With my last strenght I made a rope out of toiletpaper. They almost lost me, It proves hard to cut. They came in and took every thing but my underwair. I went to sleep that night cold, And very afraid. I wook up that night and I saw Jesus, atleast I believe and always will that he came to help me. He was so Beutiful, He was almost like gold and diaminds, He wore the most beutiful crown. Note, Make what you will of that experiance, but if anyone chalenges me on it I wont try to Defened it. He Said "DID YOU THINK I WOULD LEAVE YOU WITHOUT A BED?" I remember saying Jesus, Jesus, and each time I said it I got more child like, and more excited. The I woke up and eat my breakfast and Barfed. My bodt would not except food and there was some blood. Someone saw it and I was rushed bto ICU for two weeks on ivs and eventully liguid diet. They stoped the meds. I was sure it was cause I could not eat that I made to safty, Not so my mom Had been trying to see me and ended up contacting state and federal investigators. At once when I was able to Talk And Wobble I got to see my MOMMA. I didnt go into nto much detail trying not to hurt her. It was so Hard on my mom me just being in prision. Three month later it was all over and I was back in a Regulay Tripple Max Prision. Thats A book on its own. Today I am So Greatful for my freedom, my family ect... thanks turns out I wrote this for me; but If not for you Id not have told the story. Please no matter how bad it gets just hang on one more day. ps when they let me out of my cell to walk the gallery for exersize down at the end there were men in cell full of trash they would peek out from under the trash and there bed, I tryed to talk to them, but they always hide like they felt they were hidious creatures not fit for humain eyes. No matter what I said Nothing!!!!!! It haunts me today those pore men I would Give my life if just one could come back to reality, I dont think anyone can come back but me cause I know how hard its been. All of my love goes to all those who sufer our sufered any of the symptoms of bi-polor disorder. Im here if you need an ear.
wildartslinger wildartslinger
46-50, M
2 Responses May 18, 2012

It's a powerful story, i'm glad you survived!

forgot to say the best part of all, I went to sleep on metal bunk, and woke up on a matress, thats when I decided it was ok to maybe eat.