Confessions Of A Promiscuous Girl

I have only been with 2 men in the last 10 years. I am now married to the man that I had been looking for. Took me a long time and I put myself in many dangerous circumstances and in the end it happened when I wasn't looking.

I realized that I could get attention from boys in grade 9. I had a huge personality and loved loved loved attention. I was forced to go to a Pentecostal type church growing up. Hated it more than anything. Went to the churches school for 7 years even. My parents taught me the Christian way. No sex before marriage, don't drink, don't swear etc. With this programmed in my brain and the thoughts of Hell if I did do anything wrong, growing up I watched my mom be extremely flirty and sexual with other men whom were not my father. I witnessed it many times as a little girl. I remember crying asking her to stop. My dad would go away on hunting trips and my mom would be out till all hours of the night, while I stayed home and babysat my 4 younger brothers and sisters. From the age of 8 I always knew my mom was cheating on my dad. I felt it was my responsibility to stop her on many occasions. I always knew, so when my parents divorced when I was 19 it all came out. Everyone else seemed to know about her transgressions as well, so when it became apparent when I was 14 that I liked attention from boys too I was immediately compared to my mother. My grandmother called it the curse, cause my grandfather was also a cheat. I would like to note that I have forgiven my mom. It is vital that we forgive. We don't need to forget though, cause it's also vital that we know why we are the way we are. I believe witnessing my moms transgressions taught me how to get attention.

I got pregnant when I was 17. My parents thought I should marry the father. That lasted all of 4 months. I remarried at 22, cause I wanted to have another child and wanted it done "proper". He was a descent enough man, but I still enjoyed the attention I was getting from other men. I cheated on him near the end of the marriage. I had a curse after all. I continued my cursed ways dating and cheating a couple more times until I saw the results of my cheating. I destroyed a mans life. Seeing him go from power and high on life to absolutely nothing and depressed by my hands made me realize I did not want to hurt anyone else.

I went all in and started doing whatever I wanted to do. I discovered online dating and for 2 years I embraced "the curse" allowing it to take me over. I wanted to get it all out of my system. I wanted to make sure that next long term relationship I had was "the one". I didn't want to screw it up and hurt anyone else including my kids. I had a date every weekend. Sometimes 2. At first I felt so popular and adored. (The dangerous illusion of online dating .) I was in control of my life and felt liberated. Then after I awhile I became lonely. I was embarrassed of the curse and felt judged from everyone in my family. I got rid of all my friends cause I couldn't bear for them to know what I had become. I started thinking about settling down. By this point I had convinced myself that all these guys liked me, but they didn't. No one wanted to settle down. I got blown off and hurt a few times before giving up. I felt like I didn't deserve real love. Marriage was never going to happen either. I wasn't the marrying type and it didn't last anyway. I started doing drugs. It was only for a couple months, but looking back I am so thankful I made it out of that unscathed. Those were a very dark couple of months. What I do remember I don't want to and what I want to remember I can't.

It all stopped after an older man messaged me on a internet dating site and called me out. I liked it. He saw me for what I was and still wanted to meet me. That was the second last man I will ever be with for the rest of my life. He wasn't my forever and the 4 years we were together were not happy ones, but I thank God for him everyday. If it wasn't for him and dragging me out of my lifestyle I would never have met my happily ever after. My husband and I have been married 3 years this month,but that's a love story and this is not the board for that.

I have grown and changed so much in the last 4 years. I will think I have forgiven myself for all the mistakes I made, but then I'll lie in bed and beat myself up for them. The guilt will kill you. It makes you sick and eats you inside out. I think a lot of people can relate to my story and can relate to the guilt of it all as well. I hope that I have helped someone by sharing it. I think it's important to talk about life and putting it in perspective by seeing our past for what it is. Our past. I love who I am. My life is amazing. I now have everything I have ever wanted. A loving husband, a home, stability, health, happy kids, a pug. If I had not gone through all of it, I would never be where I am. There needs to be pain for there to be change.
goodlife9 goodlife9
31-35, F
Dec 11, 2012