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A Marked Life

My first drink was at 8 years old. I had a nightmare and went into my mothers room. She was passed out on her bed, so I took a drink of the wine she had next to her, because I knew that's how she got back to sleep. I started truly drinking when I was 12, sneaking drinks from her stash, then drinking with friends at their houses. When I was 14 I was getting drunk at parties, sleeping with guys I barely knew, and passing out. I drank a little in the beginning of college, but it started to **** my boyfriend off, so I cut it out.Instead of going out and drinking, I buckled down on my studies and threw myself into my work. My schoolwork was my new drug. I got my BS at 21, and my Masters by 23. But in the meantime I lost my boyfriend, who left me because my work became more important than he did, and my job. When my grant wasn't renewed to pursue my PhD, I very quickly became homeless. I straddled the awful line between overqualified and underqualified.

I started to street perform to get money, but I eventually went into prostitution. This is when drug use started. Now I never bought drugs, and I never seeked out drugs during this time. This was something that seemed to come with the territory in my new profession. Sometimes johns wanted to do drugs, and so they did drugs. And usually drugs users don't want to use alone, so they asked me to use with them. It doesn't take long to figure out that they aren't going to want to pay a prostitute who doesn't do what they want, so I used with them. The first was coke. It was a group of businessmen who wanted to snort coke off me while they each took a turn, then insisted I do it too, and alluded to threats when I refused. Businessmen love coke. So do bankers.

I've smoked crack with a few johns, and even though it's pretty common and sometimes gives you a euphoria, I don't like it very much. It got me very anxious, and whip me up into panic and paranoia. I've shot up heroin a few times. Heroin is nice. It surrounds you with warmth and a feeling of security, but I hate shooting up. If a john ever asked me if I used I always hoped it would be heroin. I've smoked meth a few times. I don't like meth at all.

I met a man who wanted to save me from the streets, and lived with him and a ton of roommates for nearly 2 years. This was when I was introduced to marijuana, the only drug I ever liked. I never felt withdrawal symptoms from marijuana, it never made me paranoid or anxious, and it never got me so doped up or tweaked that I didn't know what I was doing. I was really happy during this time. I didn't drink or use any drug at all other than weed.
After my relationship with him ended, I was homeless again and once again forced to prostitute myself. I wasn't doing it for very long, as I found a homeless shelter that would accept me.

Through a series of coincidences, met one of my old college professors and we've started a relationship. He takes several pharmaceutical drugs and has given me a few for panic attacks and depression. Stuff like Xanex and Klonipin. I don't like them at all, but they're fairly effective. No more effective than heroin though, He also smokes pot, and I join him because I feel it helps me. I've been happier than in a long time.
cephaloscotti cephaloscotti 26-30, F May 3, 2012

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