I Am Clean Now

I am a recovering addict with almost 2 years clean.  Poetry gave me back my sanity, and prison saved my life. 

I was on the path to destruction and thought for 9 years that it was okay to be an addict... that I was somehow above the law.  That because I was addicted to crack/cocaine that make it legal for me to smoke.

I started to smoke crack when I found out I have trigeminal neuralgia (it is a disease that you get when the cartilidge in your jaw is damaged) - making your jaw unable to stop the pulsating caused by the blood rushing through your body.  It is very painful.  http://www.tna.org - Old people who get it, sometimes kill themselves because they can't get any relief - it's been nicknamed "The Suicide Disease". 

and while I know now, that I coped out by using illegal drugs at the time - I was ready to kill myself.  The reason I got the disease in the 1st place, is because my 1st bf broke my jaw twice - and that over time - caused the unrepairable damage done to the cartiledge in my jaw)...

course he was long gone... the pain didn't start til 6 years later.  there is a medicine that usually reduced the pain - called tegretol only - I took it, and ended up with a life-threatening blood disorder called purpura... it looked like I have leprosy.  it's itched like I swam in poison ivy.

but prison saved my life, and poetry brought my sanity back.  I know I'll never use again, it almost feels like that, was another life.

I been reborn.  I don't have cravings. I desire it. I don't think ibout it. nothing.

so if you in recovery or want to stop you can... if I can anybody can.
41-45, F
3 Responses Apr 30, 2007

I have a similar situation with my boyfriend. He was clean for 7 years and then got TN. He started using again because he says it is the only thing that helps his pain. He has been on some of the strongest pain killers like cancer patient strength and he is still in pain. He will try to stop to keep me happy but he will just lay in bed and not move because of pain. He will usually only last a week or two. Part of me called bull about the whole thing, I thought it was just an excuse to use, but then he had surgery and I believed he had the condition. I still don't accept his drug use and have thought about leaving many times. I don't really know what to do and having never tried the drug (and never will) I don't know if his claims that it helps are even valid. Any input?

I can tell u that crack smoking relieves the pain of TN only bc it makes ur entire body feel no pain - I relapsed bc of pain as well but now tring to get methadone for pain management and I can tell u this - they won't put u in the clinic if u r using crack. Crack is a temporary yet very expensive habit that I wish I never ever came across. It's almost impossible to stop forever - every single person I know or have met in rehabs and in jail has relapsed. My objective now is to stay sober more often than I use and by god I think it's working. For a while when I first relapsed it was every single day - now only when the pain is unbearable - once a week maybe but not 400 dollars a day. Still my dad is disappointed in me - he thought once I had 3 yrs it was smooth sailing. But the only way to maintain complete abstinence is to never let down ur guard - when u get comfortable in life and don't think about how grateful u r to have a life back - partying seems like a possibility and once u start back up again it's very hard to stop. Good luck we all need it. Lynn

As much as I feel for him and what he goes through I am concerned about a future with him and the more I think about it the more I don't see it. I can't constantly worry about if the money for my mortgage is gone because we are married and have joint accounts and he went on a binge.

So there's hope.

You are my hero.