Now A Panentheist

I used to be a Christian, but at some point, I realized that the church was saying some very different things than Jesus was saying.  I began studying the teachings of Jesus and learned that the church was lying to me.  The final blow came when my violent husband, who was beating me, yelled "If God is so wonderful, why doesn't He stop me right now?".  It was a good question.  I stopped being the dutiful wife that I was supposed to be (because in those days,  the church taught that women who are beaten are not treating their husbands well enough - i.e.I deserved it).

When, at that moment (mid beating), I realized that god was a myth, I was paralyzed with fear.  I didn't know what to do.  I didn't know what was right or wrong.  As soon as I said the word "wrong" to myself, I wondered if I had been lied to about evil as well, and questions flooded my mind.  Where is equality?  Where is justice?  What exactly is liberty?  My entire worldview crashed.  The crashing of the worldview was more painful than the beating.

A friend gave me a book called, "Einstein, Gertrude Stein, Wittgenstein, and Frankenstein".  It was about all of the recent discoveries in the various sciences.  For me, it served as the basis for a fact-based world view.

The day came when my husband announced that it was time for me to die.  I knew that death was imminent.  He had never used those words before.  Now wanting to die in terror, I released every bit of terror that existed in me, and I found myself in a place of peace.  I looked at him with calmness and waited for what was to come.  Some strange things started happening.

He picked me up by the shirt , intending to throw me out of the second story window, onto the concrete driveway below, but I didn't resist.  He missed and I landed draped over a bed.  Still I did not resist nor leave my place of peace.  He again picked me up by the shirt and threw me to the floor.  I fell in SLOW MOTION.  He leaned over me and brought his fist to my face, but it only glanced my cheek - moving my head to one side.  I remained at peace and realized that, for the first time, I was trusting the teachings of Jesus.  Fear not and turn the other cheek.  I remained at peace.  Then something strange happened.  He backed away.  He walked backwards toward the door and asked, "What am I doing".  I was safe for several months - an unusually long amount of time for him.  Then  a similar, but not nearly as intense event happened and again, I rested in perfect peace.  At that point, he discovered that he really is powerless against me any more.  He let me leave.

Now I realize that the "teachings" of Jesus have scientific basis but the teachings of the christian church are cruel and despotic.   I don't believe in any Mithraic virgin birth or cruci-fiction.  I don't even believe in God.   I realize now that Jesus never believed in the christian (Paul's) God either.  He believed in something far more wonderful and more empowering.  I am the god of my reality.  You are the god of yours.  And We are the god of ours.  We are God.  Life is a multidimensional experience and when the level confusion is set aside, God is my future self that also exists in all times and all places.  As I do to others, I invite into my own life.

I no longer live imprisoned by the crippling fear that I was TAUGHT to define as love.  I do not terrorize people, thus I cannot be terrorized by others.  Life without christianity is a fine life, indeed.
GailG3 GailG3
61-65, F
5 Responses Jan 14, 2012

I really enjoyed your story. I came a comment on a question and was intrigued by your answer there. Peace~

Hi Gail, I have found some of the same things to be true as you have. I am glad that you have found out the truth of christianity; as it has become and is used today.Another wonderfully thoughtful story. Thank you.

Bows very low to GailG3

What an awesome and horrifying and FREEING story Gail...thanks for sharing this..I am so sorry that you were terrorized by a "christian", though in the long run, "christian or not" an abuser IS an abuser. I was married to one and know the crazy "demands" of "being a good christian wife"...<br />
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You seem to BE on the path that I am looking to travel; looking into the REAL meanings of what Jesus SAID and DID and not accept the fictional story that was told about him. Your "turning the other cheek" illustration is a powerful example. I actually think that Jesus is still pretty awesome and GREATLY misunderstood. I REALLY relate to what you have shared and it resonates with me, that is why I have friended you... I have to look into that book with the "steins" gave me a giggle...<br />
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Thanks for sharing and hoping our paths will cross as we journey along healing and LIVING life fully...

I guess my worldview doesn't collapse because I believe God doesn't interfere in the actions of men because doing so would conflict with His gift of freedom. Your experience actually reinforces my faith in that turning the other cheek would actually help release a partly-crazed person from his demon. I, in my weakness, would have fled or resisted and so would not have experienced what you experienced.<br />
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But this is not the real point of this comment. I am curious why you believe you are a god when (I believe) you cannot add 1 inch to your height, or make the pain of an arthritic shoulder or a headache go away. Obviously, the universe is not playing by your rules, but by Someone else's.

Disagree with your comment, "you cannot add 1 inch to your height, or make the pain of an arthritic shoulder or a headache go away. Obviously, the universe is not playing by your rules, but by Someone else's. "

I chose my height before I chose to create myself as me. Though I am a senior, I do not have an arthritis, nor have I had a headache in more than 40 years. If you believed in your powers, you would also be healthy. If you meditated at least once every day, you would not be so convinced that someone else makes the rules for MY life (or for yours).

I believe that it was God saving you from your abusive husband. You are NOT God - how could you believe this? No wonder there is so much heart-ache in the world. I can't imagine any human being actually believing they are god. I will pray for you.

Great comment!