Now A PanentheistI used to be a Christian, but at some point, I realized that the church was saying some very different things than Jesus was saying. I began studying the teachings of Jesus and learned that the church was lying to me. The final blow came when my violent husband, who was beating me, yelled "If God is so wonderful, why doesn't He stop me right now?". It was a good question. I stopped being the dutiful wife that I was supposed to be (because in those days, the church taught that women who are beaten are not treating their husbands well enough - i.e.I deserved it).
When, at that moment (mid beating), I realized that god was a myth, I was paralyzed with fear. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what was right or wrong. As soon as I said the word "wrong" to myself, I wondered if I had been lied to about evil as well, and questions flooded my mind. Where is equality? Where is justice? What exactly is liberty? My entire worldview crashed. The crashing of the worldview was more painful than the beating.
A friend gave me a book called, "Einstein, Gertrude Stein, Wittgenstein, and Frankenstein". It was about all of the recent discoveries in the various sciences. For me, it served as the basis for a fact-ba
The day came when my husband announced that it was time for me to die. I knew that death was imminent. He had never used those words before. Now wanting to die in terror, I released every bit of terror that existed in me, and I found myself in a place of peace. I looked at him with calmness and waited for what was to come. Some strange things started happening.
He picked me up by the shirt , intending to throw me out of the second story window, onto the concrete driveway below, but I didn't resist. He missed and I landed draped over a bed. Still I did not resist nor leave my place of peace. He again picked me up by the shirt and threw me to the floor. I fell in SLOW MOTION. He leaned over me and brought his fist to my face, but it only glanced my cheek - moving my head to one side. I remained at peace and realized that, for the first time, I was trusting the teachings of Jesus. Fear not and turn the other cheek. I remained at peace. Then something strange happened. He backed away. He walked backwards toward the door and asked, "What am I doing". I was safe for several months - an unusually long amount of time for him. Then a similar, but not nearly as intense event happened and again, I rested in perfect peace. At that point, he discovered that he really is powerless against me any more. He let me leave.
Now I realize that the "teachings" of Jesus have scientific basis but the teachings of the christian church are cruel and despotic. I don't believe in any Mithraic virgin birth or cruci-fiction. I don't even believe in God. I realize now that Jesus never believed in the christian (Paul's) God either. He believed in something far more wonderful and more empowering. I am the god of my reality. You are the god of yours. And We are the god of ours. We are God. Life is a multidimensional experience and when the level confusion is set aside, God is my future self that also exists in all times and all places. As I do to others, I invite into my own life.
I no longer live imprisoned by the crippling fear that I was TAUGHT to define as love. I do not terrorize people, thus I cannot be terrorized by others. Life without christianity is a fine life, indeed.
GailG3 61-65, F 5 Responses 2 Jan 14, 2012