I Used to Make My Living Being a Bad ***

i started selling dope when i was 14, at first i sold pills, and weed. i did that for so long i made a name for myself~they called me sunshine. i never really "over indulged"~i just liked and needed the money. then at 16, i was selling heroin, various types of acid, Quaaludes and more weed, in texas.

heroin proved to be a real bad thing and i started using more than i could sell.

eventually i got off the heroin, and took a break from selling drugs. that was 1979 or 1980.  in 1981 i got involved with some people in texas who made dark brown methamphetamine in their kitchen. the **** was good~it was off the hook! and that was way before meth became popular. but i learned the recipe and took it with me in my travels.

eventually i moved to a different state and decided i was gonna make some of that brown **** myself, and i did, but the people in my new state were scared of the brown stuff, the stuff there was white or yellow. i fell right in with the crowd that sold it and began selling again. of course i didn't get rich, i still had my straight job, which at this time was cashiering in an adult bookstore. i was the first and only female hired by the bikers to run their store on graveyard shift.

i went back east and began selling  lovely, [on the west coast they call it wet or sherm], but i liked that stuff so much i started using alot of it and was really too high to be selling anything.

in time i quit that stuff too, and was actually clean for a few years from 1984 until 1994, when i relocated again back to the west coast and quickly became involved with the same shady people and was selling meth again. i sold every kind of meth there was, but the rules had changed because by now i had 2 kids and i was not putting them at risk so i never let too many people come to my house only really special ones, the rest had to wait til my kids were in bed at night and i would ride my little bmx bike all over town to deliver the stuff they wanted.

 i never smoked the meth until after my kids were in bed at night, and then i went into my room with the door shut and opened my window.

i did this for a time until i got arrested in 1987 [not for selling but for posession and only because my boyfriend and his mom set me up with the drugs]. i went to jail for three days, when i got out boyfriend and his mommy and all of everything myself or my kids ever had owned, was gone!!

i sold dope for another year and 4 months until i just got so so tired of the game and all its stupid players so i quit. i went cold turkey and i left everyone that i knew who had had anything to do with it, behind. that was halloween 1998. i haven't been a dope dealer since.

breezybidj breezybidj
46-50, F
3 Responses Feb 17, 2007

I agree with the author, and furthermore if someone doesnt know of addiction firsthand then they know nothing. My mom put alcohol first for years, and I didnt get it until I became an addict myself, she always was their financially and kept a roof over our heads, but she wasnt there and I didnt get it until I became an addict. When you are using and your brain is screaming stop, and you simply cant then maybe youd understand the dilema. I hate when people who havent experienced it comment as if they know what they would have done, its easy to say you know what you would have done but until youve walked in those shoes, dont judge...

i KNOW iTS HARD TO BELiEVE AND EVERY ONE HAS THEiR STEROTYPES, BUT i HAD CERTAiN "RULES" THAT i FOLLOWED; A CERTAiN CODE OF "ETHiCS" WHATEVER YOU SAW WITH THE PEOPLE YOU KNEW i WASNT INTO ALL THAT BULL. I WAS THERE EVERY MORNING TO WAKE MY KiDS UP, GET THEiR BREAKFAST, GET THEM OFF TO SCHOOL, i WAS THERE AFTER SCHOOL WiTH THE PLATE OF MiLK AND COOKiES; i MADE THEM THEiR DiNNER EVERY NiGHT, GAVE THEM THEiR BATHS, READ THEM THEiR BEDTiME STORiES, TUCKED THEM iNTO BED...THEN i WENT OUT AND DiD MY DiRT... BUT i WAS BACK AGAiN WHEN THEY GOT UP THE NEXT MORNiNG TO DO iT ALL OVER AGAiN MY KiDS WERE NEVER WiTHOUT ANYTHiNG THEY NEEDED FROM ME LOVE WiSE, OR MATERiALLY. i DiD NOT DO BUSiNESS OUT OF MY HOME. i DIDN'T STEAL; ALTHOUGH YES, i WOULD BUY STUFF OTHER PEOPLE STOLE. i NEVER SOLD NO DOPE TO NO KiDS, NEVER SMOKED NO DOPE WiTH NO KiDS. i DiDN'T SMOKE DOPE iNMY OWN HOUSE EXCEPT AFTER THEY HAD GONE TO BED AT NiGHT AND THEN i WOULDGO iNTO MY ROOM CLOSE MY DOOR AND SMOKE BY MY OPEN WiNDOW. i'M NOT PROUD OF WHAT i'VE HAD TO DO iN MY PAST, BUT i DiD TRY TO KEEP iNTEGRiTY AS MUCH AS i COULD COMiNG FROM WHERE i CAME FROM. i ALSO AM NOT ASHAMED BECAUSE i HAVE KNOWN ALOT OF REALLY BAD AND NASTY PEOPLE, AND i TRiED MY VERY BEST TO BE THE OPPOS"iTE OF EVERYTHiNG i SAW iN THEM. SOME OF US DiD NOT GROW UP iN iDEAL CiRCUMSTANCES, AND HAD TO CLAW AND SCRATCH FOR ANYTHiNG AT ALL. i HAVE HAD NO TYPE OF SUPPORT SYSTEM SINCE THE AGE OF 3 YEARS OLD BASiCALLY READ SOME MORE ABOUT ME BEFORE YOU JUDGE.<br />
BUT KNOW THiS;i HAVE ALWAYS TRiED TO BE KiND AND HELP THE PERSON WHO NEEDED HELP. i HAVE BEEN SCREWED OVER FOR THAT A WHOLE LOT. BUT i AM RESiLiENT. MY CONSCiENCE iS CLEAR. OUT OF ALL THE STUFF i HAVE WRiTTEN SO FAR HERE THiS iS THE FiRST NEGATiVE OR SEMi-ANGRY FEEDBACK i HAVE GOTTEN. i CAN LiVE WiTH THAT. NEVER BE TOO QUICK TO JUDGE WHAT YOU DO NOT KNOW. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU COULD BE iN DiRE CiRCUMSTANCES AND HAVE TO DO SOMETHiNG YOU COULD NEVER iMAGiNE BUT YOU MIGHT SEE NO OTHER OPTIONS.<br />
THROUGH ALL THOSE YEARS THAT YOU THINK I WAS SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON AND UNDESERVING MOTHER, I WAS THE MOM WHO WAS STABLE ENOUGH TO TAKE ON EVERYONE ELSES ORPANED AND NEGLECTED KIDS AND BABIES BECAUSE MY KIDS ALWAYS CAME FIRST...KIDS ALWAYS CAME FIRST. IF I EVER SAW KIDS BEING MISTREATED I TOOK IT UPON MYSELF TO EITHER STEP IN MYSELF OR HAND IT OVER TO AUTHORITIES IF NEEDED. IN SPITE OF MY BAD *** WAYS WHICH WERE A NECESSITY FOR MY LIFE AT THAT PARTICULAR TIME IN MY LIFE, I WAS NOT A BAD, EVIL, OR IMMORAL PERSON. I KNEW ALOT OF PEOPLE WHO WERE.

When reading peoples stories here I try not to be judgemental and critical. However after reading your story I find myself feeling angry. Why? because if you wanted to do drugs then fine, but you must have affected so many people with your habit and dealing throughout your lifetime and I just think it's disgusting. I'm sorry but I have to say it. Your children should have come before your habit and before you think I don't know what I'm talking about I do. I had an ex who was addicted to heroin for three years. I would never bring a child into a world where they would be put in dangerous or harmful situations. Please don't assume I'm saying I don't make mistakes because I do - but not at the cost of other peoples lives.