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Something Happened

I used to be a good man.  An upstanding man.  A man with good morals and judgment.  A man some people looked up to for guidance and just to be around because I was never a danger to a good person's way of life.

But something happened.  I've had some changes in my life that have put me in a place that is totally unfamiliar to me.  It became lonely, quiet, almost like a desert with only a few stragglers passing by and quickly away.  Yet I've remained, not by choice, in this place where nobody else wants to be.  At least not for long.

Once a man with family everywhere, now I only know they exist because nobody has communicated otherwise.  They have forsaken me, it seems, even before my fall into a sickening lifestyle.  Once a man with plenty of friends, now I have only a few, passing by when they can, but gone, and  unhelpful when I need them most.  Perhaps all but two.  One is far away.  The other with her own life to pursue as a priority. 

Over the last couple months, I've gone from a substance free man to a man who can't even get through one day without a particular substance.  I've gone from a man who knew his heart and was could easily remain committed to those within it, to a man who allows lust to take over, be it lust or just reaching out for that only form of human contact I can get now.  I'm not sure what that situation is at the moment, and while I would like to say I will not explore it, I know that my lack of self control plays heavily whenever that situation is in front of my face.

I've lost control of myself.  I'm ashamed of myself.  I honestly cannot stand myself.  I need help but don't always want it.  When I do want it, something inside of me says I don't want it as bad as I want something else, someone else, whatever else. 

I hate this life and it seems as though every window that I could escape from is locked closed or blacked out, or just a little too hard for me to open right now.  When I run toward an open door, something always makes me hesitate once I get to the threshold. 

Something happened and now everything that's happening is rushing by, me unable to grasp, at least firmly enough, to anything safe enough to pull me through.  I have two things to grasp onto.  People, rather.  One is too far away for me to hang tightly onto to absorb the help she's offering.  The other I'm afraid to grasp.

Something happened.  If things keep going this way, that's what my gravestone will read. 

Something Happened.

 

alteredstate alteredstate 22-25, M 59 Responses Oct 8, 2009

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A Song for your Moment: Fine Young Cannibals, "I'm Not the Man I Used to Be"

When I'm in trouble or out of step
If my balance has been upset
Oh, there's a feeling I can't accept
There's one thing that helps me to forget

Wonder what I'm thinking
Wonder why I'm drinking
But it's plain to see,
I'm not the man I used to be

If life were easy and didn't ask,
Didn't tease me or take things back
I could start to understand,
What makes me the man I am

Wonder what I'm thinking
Wonder why I'm drinking
But it's plain to see,
I'm not the man I used to be

Oh, it's plain and it's a shame
I'm not the man I used to be

I've lost dreams that won't come back,
Memories fading fast
I should save the ones I have
What's the use?
Most of them are bad

Wonder what I'm thinking
Wonder why I'm drinking
But it's plain to see,
I'm not the man I used to be

Oh, it's plain and it's a shame
I can't explain
But I'm not the man I used to be
It's a shame, don't know my name
I can't explain
I'm not the man I used to be
Do you know my name?
Do you, do you need me?
But I'm not the man...


** You posted so very long ago that I truly hope that things have changed in your life for the better and that you've found a way to survive whatever happened - spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. All my hopes are with you!

If you need to talk any time plxzz don't bestie yup message me ...... :-)

I dont know your situation other then what you are telling me, but i do know that people tend to eperate their selves from you when things gets tough! Whatever substance you are using please let it go. I know it is a hard thing to do but GOD, will help you through it all. The 2 friends that you have in your life thats willing to help you out, please travel the distance because it will be well worth the journey when your completed it. I know you can do it and i am counting on you to keep me updated on your Great Will! God Bless, and i will be waiting to hear nothing but the best.

You are right something. Happened I hope you get what u want<br />
Back.

People see the fun and carefree part but shut their eyes to the rest of it. it ugly truth of drug use. it's a sad cycle, and it won't stop until finally get sick n tired of being sick and tired. sick & tired of being broke, hurting, shady, needy, down n out, minus loved ones, minus your home, minus anything good in your life. Sick and tired of going to jail over n over again, sick and tired of being on the street, searching for your next high & the ways to pay for it. sick of coming down then getting high just to come back down again. Sick of hearing yourself repeat the same ole promises to others and even those to yourself. There are no more vacations to fun far away places, no golfing with the guys, no sunday mornings with the kids driving to grandmas house, holidays with family, or plain ole joy! no dreams, nothing to shoot for accept coming down again and another successful petty crime to score your dope.

Hi my friend. I completely understand you and feel the same way as you. I am really trying to be better and live a clean and moral, wonderful life. I want to be a better husband to my wife and a better father to my kids. I am a good father for the most part, but I admit I am a terrible husband. I have been a great husband and her knight in shining armor, but lately have slipped. <br />
A few years ago I really lost myself. <br />
I was involved in youth sports and school functions, I was a PTA dad and coach, everything, honest, loyal, and devoted. <br />
We had a couple who were friends of ours. The husband and I went to school together, the wives were friends, our kids were friends. She and I had a connection. This went from harmless flirting, to quiet conversations in front of our spouses. We started sharing secrets, and dreams, then fantasies.<br />
Like a bad Lifetime movie, there were elements of fun.lust, betrayal, drug use, rush to fufill fantasies, rough sex, degradation, public sex, experimentation,bisexuality, and then loneliness, sadness, and divorce.<br />
It went from great to bad quickly. They are no longer together. Spilt up our family for a while. Years have gone by and I lost more than it was worth. I miss their friendship, I miss our family parties. I miss my wife trusting me. I love my wife and she loves me and thank God she sees something in me. I cant say I will be perfect, but I am appreciative she has given me room to grow and be a dumbass, and still loves me. She knows all my secrets and I am blessed and lucky to have her.

Thanks for your honesty and especially your story of redemption. It's sad but yes, things will be lost when we make the wrong choices, but you still have your family and that's the most important thing in the world. God bless your wife for sticking with you through this. I hope your marriage will be even stronger for it. It sounds like it already is!

Thanks for the nice words! I am thankful for my family. Everyday.

I am a child and domestic abuse survivor, as well as a mother of a sexually abused child. I am writing a book about ALL types of abuse to others know they are not alone in their struggle. My intention is to inform others where there is prevention, education, and support.<br />
<br />
<br />
Education + Awareness = Prevention. I am inviting you to use my book as a platform share your testimony that will your contribution to spreading awareness. For your help I am giving a book; providing you pay the delivery. I prefer 1200 words but will allow up to 1500. <br />
<br />
I hope you will join me and the many other men, women, and organizations who are assisting me in my quest.If you go http://sherry123456789.xanga.com/ I have extensive information, which includes letters of support from other professionals and samples of my writing. Or you may email: burt222@hotmail.com I look forward to your reply. PLease keep in mind that authors may use their real name or be anonymous. <br />
<br />
Respectfully<br />
Sherry Clyburn

Think of the young people's lives you will change when you tell them your story. You will warn them of the horrible path you took. Your story will inform them of the real dangers of substance abuse and many will take the other road because of it. Think of how you will help others. And perhaps your love for these children will give you the strength to make it through, so that one day you can spare them the agony you have gone through.

Don't look back on who you were. Look at who you can become. You are not made out of stone. You can change yourself and be happy once again. Take your problems and break them apart, so you can solve it piece by piece. Get your mind off of heart aches and focus on getting the life you want. Anything is possible. But the change you want must come from with in. Best wished my friend.

again, gone for a couple weeks from here and I come back to an overwhelming amount of responses, of which I'm unable to address individually. I send my apologies again. <br />
Once again, to all of those who send their positive, encouraging messages, hopes and prayers, thank you. <br />
To the one that thinks my story was taken from a movie of the week, well, movies come from ideas that mimic life experiences, so I guess mine would make a good movie of the week. If you think I was not being honest enough, there's nothing I can do about that. At the time, I was being as honest with myself as I could be, yet still not completely honest. I've come a long way since then. My certain substances of choice were alcohol and nitrous, eventually just nitrous. <br />
<br />
I'm doing better with recovering from my fall, not having nearly as many stumbles as the last time I updated. My life is back to it's usual norm, which includes a lot of nothing still. I still live alone with my three dogs and no family. I have only a few friends who I barely see anymore, as they are still into partying, with the exception of one, who things are complicated with. I try to stay busy from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep, often times staying so busy, I'm exhausted before dinner. I think, honestly, I'm more depressed now. When I was using, I didn't have to feel those feelings, I didn't care that I was alone, I didn't care that I didn't have anyone to sit and shoot the **** with, or someone to snuggle up to at night. All of that is back and something I have to face everyday again. It never changes. Only I've changed.

See the Logos the Word teaching site, to get back to the glory of Jesus and God.<br />
<br />
Go to htt://sites.google.com/site/thelogosthewordbibleteaching/<br />
<br />
If you go this site its not for people from any religion, it helps you to reach God, and Jesus in your life so you can live a happy blessed life.<br />
<br />
If you love the Lord you will find Him and open your heart to Him, then He will heal you. All you do is open your heart and soul to Jesus ask Him to come into your life and heal you to rid your old habits: then you will be <br />
joyful the way you were happy before. I noticed everyone talsk about choice and control etc: But not about your desperate need for Jesus in your life, you do not have to be Christian to get God and Jesus in your<br />
life or from any religion. God and Jesus are not a religion the author of the Logos the Word teach you this. Jesus is standing outside door He is waiting for you to open it up for Him to come to your life, to open your heart and soul so He can heal you. No drug or drink can heal you,<br />
only Jesus can do this for you, As Jesus said : Behold<br />
, I stand at the door and knock if anyone hears my voice He will open it, and I shall come in to his home'.<br />
<br />
Life is not just material things and when you lose some people you love they are still there, but you need to <br />
keep a contact to them. Many people suffer storms like yours, hope you get healed with the glory of God.'<br />
<br />
<br />
If this helps you, you may like to reply.<br />
<br />
For it is written according to the Word of Jesus"<br />
<br />
" MAN SHALL NOT LIVE ON BREAD ALONE , BUT ON VEERY WORD THAT PROCEEDS FROM THE MOUTH OF GOD". Jesus is Son of God, when you invite Jesus into your life, He will take you into His glory and to meet His<br />
Father God. As Jesus said, build up ypur spirit and treasure with God that stay forever. <br />
<br />
Jesus ssaid also we should pray for what we need and He will give it to you openly. He asks us to say the Lord's<br />
prayer: I give it to you :<br />
<br />
" Our Father who art in heaven hallowed by thy Name.<br />
Thy Kingdom come, thy will be down on earth as it is in heaven. Giv us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And de;liever us from all evil , for thine is the<br />
Kingdom and the Power and the Glory ., forever and forever , Amen.<br />
<br />
Say this prayer to yoiur Father in heaven, and He will heal and heal your heart and soul. Then you will feel overwhelmed woth blesssing from Jesus and God,<br />
you will not a drug or a drink : Because now you have the Holy Spirit lving you for whom you are and rid you from your old habits, healing your heart and soul.<br />
<br />
I offer you the other prayer which will heal you. When you ask Jesus into your life you say to Him the Good centurian prayer, when Jesus healed His sick servant:<br />
he told the Lord this with humble heart: As the centurian said to Jesus , thanks to God " LORD, I AM NOT WORTHY THAT I SHOULD ENTER UNDER YOUR ROOF,<br />
BUT SAY THE " WORD ' AND MY SERVANT SHALL BE HEALED". When Jesus heard the centurian say this, He <br />
gave praise to His Father God, as He found a centurian <br />
humble Himself for the glory of God. If you love Jesus <br />
and praise His Holy Spirit and give thanks to God, He will come into yout life and heal you with His Holy Spirit.<br />
I have given this message of the Lord for other people who have had storms sickness etc : In the teaching of the Logos The Word the new work for the glory of God,<br />
, teaches you how to reach God, and to save your heart and soul . It teaches you to also understand the Holy Gospels which have been treated as if its only for Christians when it is for every person who seek God and Jesus. <br />
<br />
If this helps you , you may wish to reply.<br />
<br />
God is not far away from you and Jesus did not abandon us. As site says the Logos - the Word , in a view from ' Eternity's Eye". The author makes it clear you can reach the glory of God and Jesus if you hear <br />
the Good Shepherd's cry, you will find the love of Lord<br />
from a view in " Eternity's Eye".<br />
<br />
For it is only when you hear the Good Shepherds cry,<br />
that you can find God in a view from "Eternity's Eye'.<br />
<br />
The Good Shepherd is Jesus, he is only one who can heal the heart and soul.<br />
<br />
You got to have also Faith In Jesus - Faith moves all mountains.<br />
<br />
God Bless You

You have nothing left to do but rise from this situation.<br />
Rise and grow from it. I believe you will become a stronger and greater man then you ever thought you could be...<br />
<br />
I am living proof of that myself. I've come a long way from a strange and crooked life. I've risen and so will you. <br />
<br />
This is not the end but the beginning, you will help countless others in the same way without even knowing it. <br />
<br />
Rise my friend.... Rise and be great!

Something bad happened to you that has hurt you a great deal and you did what so many other humans do, you looked for a quick fix. When we are hurting we will do anything to end the pain. Self- medicate with a substance or look for another distraction through other pleasurable means- not always in our best interest. Quite often more damaging. A temporary fleeting distraction with disastrous results. More self-loathing- more pain- the cycle never stops. You are only human after all and cannot do it alone- yet no one can do it for you. <br />
People with addiction problems are not bad. I believe that they are more hypersensitive to emotions. They seem to feel more pain than others <br />
I work in a hospital, run by cloistered nuns; I have seen miracles there and a lot of goodness. Belief in the higher power seems to work best.<br />
<br />
This is the hard part- It is never too late to change and atone for your "evil" deeds - if you are willing to put forth the effort. You need to have some goals and a lot of self-discipline.<br />
<br />
Nothing stays the same- life is constantly changing and we are only here for a visit.

Something happened. It happens to most of us if we live long enough. We lose things. We lose people. We lose hope, a job, a promise of what we thought we'd receive in life if only we acted or performed or studied the right thing, hard enough. We are constantly losing things as we age. We lose our youth, our beauty. We lose our health and eventually, we will die, we will lose our lives. It took a lifetime for me to realize this, that we lose everything. As long as you have something or someone you love, who loves you, you are in the plus column. There is some pain that you can't yet face or believe you can't face without the substances you speak of: alcohol, drugs, sex? You must be very afraid to go on and try because, from your post, it sounds crucial that you face your fears so you can stop losing so much so fast. Take your time, life will go on and you may still have a future. If you refuse to face your fears, you won't. I don't. I had my plans and something happened. Eventually, I became very ill and when I had a biopsy to determine my diagnosis, the doctor caused nerve damage and I live with pain 24/7. All I live for now is a few minutes of uninterrupted pain. I distract myself with tv, books and the web, but my life as I knew it is over. I'd give anything to have a choice. Anything. You, it seems, have a choice, but refuse it because of your fear and pain. Don't waste time. This is your only life. The pain you fear will pass and if you risk it, you might be a good man again. Right now, I hear that you are mourning that loss. Reach out and go for recovery. Maybe you'll find it. Best wishes.

DIDDO,GOOD LORD ITS LIKE I WAS READING MY OWN STORY.GET BACK TWO ME IF YOU WANT TO TALK.MISHELSPARKES AT YAHOO AND GMAIL.

substance abuse will send everything you worked for, and loved to the pawn shop, the dealer, the guy collecting on loan's you owe, and people who love you will grow tired of your lies, your drug use, you being sneaky, in jail, a loser! kiss your life goodbye! and the reason is because people on drugs......street drugs usually, lose their jobs, and resort to stealing to get money or things for supplying their habit. you change quickly. you can't and don't want to see it. you blame everyone but you. it's a sick cycle. some get clean, some never do, and even some die. some die from it or from the element it brings to your life. bad people, desperate soul's needing drugs they think to survive.<br />
hurt people do drugs. not bad people when they start out! find out what hurt you. get fixed that way and I bet the drugs aren't needed.

Hi, altered. <br />
Here another altered. I can see you can think and discern quite clearly. Perhaps that is a talent given to the altered...<br />
<br />
Since I have been in situations very closer to those you describe, I must say it does not matter whether the substance/person/food/activity/shopping/TV (do not forget substance addicts are more discriminated than other addicts...) that keeps you in track right now has taken you over or you chose it/them. I think it is irrelevant, really. <br />
<br />
Alcohol takes you over all right. So may any other substances, I don't doubt. But you know what? 'Something happened'. It is no accident that you chose that sentence to start with. Something happened. You need to know what. <br />
<br />
Just in case you might be interested, I realized I could not stand a world without implicit love. My parents, couples, whatever...My parents died, my couples lasted that long....And at all times, I was looking for that implicit love. In everything. And, with tears in my eyes and while I grab a beer, I can tell you, there is no implicit love. One has inside what one has inside, and that is you. And you must be way more powerful than what "was" or what you think it was. <br />
<br />
Something happened. Yes. It is no small deal. Others do not deal with it, absolutely, in the course of an entire life...<br />
<br />
Un beso<br />
Mariana

I can't help but feel sad reading your words. I myself go through some self loathing too and nothing feels worse. On the other hand, you maybe have caused lots of pain to others who no doubt see things from a completely different perspective. Nevertheless you have my sympathy too and I hope it will go better for you. I know well the strong fear, almost panic, you get when faced with new things and what makes you hold back and perhaps you will know how to control yourself and treat yourself better.

My proudest moment is when the CEO of a public company said to me, "Your F()cking proplbem is that you're too F()cking honest."<br />
<br />
I did not last long for that company and I now work for a company who is serving the greater good!<br />
<br />
Dave Phillipson<br />
CEO Space<br />
http://www.GlobalCEOspace.com

Did you suffer a bereavement? I went through a similar period of depressed disconnection when someone close to me died, and my reaction was similar. If so, try to cling on to familiar things and good memories. All of this is easy to say, hard to achieve when something happens, but there's no choice but to hang on until a brighter day arrives.

There was a commercial many years ago that had some guy walking in circles and many times over repeated "I go to work so I have money for drugs....So I can work more to have money to do more drugs...so I can work more..."<br />
until someone has been in that situation, they won't understand. Experience is the best form of knowledge there is and without that, assumption is shoved into the gap we should have left open to explore. Especially if someone you love needs understanding. <br />
I guess what Im not explaining very well is that even though you feel abandoned by everyone, It doesnt mean they have. Its an assuming judgment that can be reversed as long as you find a need/must in getting better.<br />
Your pain,your anger(that rage) inside you will get worse. Your hunger for something as simple as a hug will cause more rage.....all that emotion sucks the life out of the people around you and makes them sick. I dont care who they are. Have you ever not answered your phone because of who was calling? Its not because they dont care, its because they cant add this draining emotion into their day to day survival. They dont see you making choices to change and cant continue being drained by something that eventually makes them sick.<br />
Really, if you think about it,what they are doing is helping you. If they were there beside you making this addiction a walk in the park then your association with it would last longer and be harder to get away from.<br />
I think the fact that you are aware is a huge step. Practice waking up and sticking your chest out with a deep breath. There is only one of you in this world and I think that makes you pretty damn special.<br />
The place to find people who will understand and can be supportive is at all those support meetings everywhere. Your not alone. Narcotics anonymous-alcoholics anonymous......Go to one..It may be the one thing that kept those words off your gravestone.<br />
What would this world do without you? Your not replaceable.

Please do not lose control of yourself. It is disastrous.. Let any thing happen in one's life one must be linked with the world with others.. with life and the God. One must have some pryaers and he will be helped.. One must love and get healed. As you have described your state it is a sure sign that you will overcome. let us try.

You need to be a lot more honest with yourself as well as others. If you are going to write here, what the hell is a "certain substance"? <br />
<br />
The rest of your characterizations are pure schmaltz, or ripped out of the movie of the week. You seem to have an overly dramatic and sentimentalized conception of your self, which probably is contributing to your problems. You can't grasp the issues and the facts of your life, because you can't see them as they are, but as you have manufactured them.

Sigh... okay a.s.,<br />
<br />
Now that I have read the comments (your thread title totally sucked me in), what I feel inside is "aaaaaarrrrrrggghhh!". Do not fall for the bullshit, the hype, the crap in our way of thinking. It is our greatest danger. The ideas "good", "bad", "deserving", "undeserving", "better", "smarter", "capable", "incapable", and myriad others attached to JUDGMENT are the poison we humans deal with until we die... OR until we simply decide not to deal with them.<br />
<br />
Can you not feel, or at least sense, the life beneath life; the life that exists outside of and independent of human thought & judgment? It is the life that will be there whether we believe in it or not... the one that will continue after we all are gone. Its power is always available for us, but we must release the voices that keep us separate from it; the voices that tell us we don't have 'access' to it, we don't 'deserve', we 'need this' or 'need that' first... If one understands "life outside of life" to be divine, so be it... but don't imagine yourself or your brother or sister must take mechanical steps to meet it. You don't have to be in a church or temple or synagogue to realize it. Simply breathe, be quiet, quiet your mind, and look at the trees, the clouds, stars, your pet... nature... and you will begin to understand the riches the universe offers every moment. <br />
<br />
Look at the life that is all around you; understand the life within even when you're face-down drunk and ready to kick your own *** again. How 'bout this- decide not to kick your own *** but give yourself love just for being alive?<br />
<br />
I hope what I say here connects with you; but that hope in itself reflects an effort at control... as before, I wish you peace.<br />
<br />
<br />
PS. As a former Catholic, it's taken me a long time to not feel rage when people talk about the only way to peace being their way, the Christian way. Now, I understand the goal of most religions, which is to arrive at the state of love/acceptance of the universe which is defined by "buddha-nature", "christ-like", "enlightened", etc. Now, rage is not what I feel, but disappointment when human constructs and judgment again raise their ugly heads...

alteredstate (to be referred to as a.s.), admittedly I haven't read all the comments in this thread, but your questions raise key issues for all of us as supposedly conscious members of this planet. Thank you for that. Also, fungirlmmm and PhilosophicalNonsense have given you gold.<br />
<br />
Listen, how about a few considerations to challenge what we "westerners" usually ignore? How about the idea that this stage is necessary on your path, and can be embraced for what it is- a teaching experience like all else? Or, perhaps the concept that we do not have control over anything outside of our own inner state? Finally, what about releasing yourself from attaching judgement on yourself and your "transgressions" (there is a word for that... forgiveness)?<br />
<br />
Making these suggestions is easy for me, a.s., because they are what I battle every day; however, their acceptance leads to complete serenity. Paradoxically, "battle" is not what's required. What is required is release, surrender... abandoning all battle & need for judgement and control.<br />
<br />
I wish you peace on your journey.

hi, "something happened".<br />
1. It Appears "you hit a chord" with others (by what you wrote). A "considerable" response, BY EP Standards (for a story).<br />
2. You WRITE 'quite well'.<br />
3. Do you BELIEVE 'yourself" TO BE ALONE 'In This Experience' ??? let me "assure" you; AT THIS MOMENT 'there are quite a few' Others EXPERIENCING similar 'Happenings'. It can ALL be traced back to 9/11;<br />
When The World "was turned UPSIDE DOWN for ALL".<br />
My Advice ?<br />
KEEP "Sharing". perhaps, by ALL of us 'Pulling Together',<br />
we ALL "may" Emerge WHOLE. (???)

My dear, dear man, how I know what you are going through.<br />
BUT ALL CAN CHANGE..<br />
You can get all your friends and family back. The only way to do that is to walk with God. Get on your knees and ask Him to help you, ask Him to bring you back to Him, ask Him to touch your heart and make you the man that you were born to be. Ask Him for forgiveness of your sins. Ask Him forgiveness for forsaking Him..as when we forsake Him, He forsakes us..BUT..HE ALWAYS TAKES US BACK..He never abandons us..He just waits for you to realize that without Him, you are nothing.<br />
<br />
You have been down that path..you followed another god..Satan..who is the god of this world at the moment and there is nothing more joy he get when he can get people to forsake God.<br />
<br />
Go to Tomorrows World.com, register, you can read online what you need to come back to God, you can get all the free literature to help you get back on track. And you can even contact them to ask if there is a church in your area..someone will call you.<br />
<br />
Do you have a Bible? If you do, take it and just pray then open it up at random...you will find a message for you..you may not understand it immediately, but just keep reading it until you do. Ask God to give you understanding.. Jesus said. "Ask My Father and He will give to you."<br />
<br />
I had forsaken Him and ended up pretty badly also to the point that the doctors said I would end up in a wheel chair. I did some things am not proud of but when I was not with God, I was with Satan and so like Eve in the Garden who listened to Satan...I did the same and was paying the price.<br />
<br />
Then one day I got down on my knees and prayed and said to God, " Please forgive me for having forsaken you, please take me back into your arms, help me be the daughter you hoped I would be when you chose me to be born. You knew me before I was even in my mother's womb and you had high hopes for me. You gave me free will to chose you or Satan, to do good or evil. I am sorry I disappointed you and I truly repent..as Jesus said to ask You in His name and You would give me..I humbly am before you Father and ask you to take me back home.<br />
<br />
He did. I no longer will be needing a wheel chair and as I progress, He is also healing other things in my body that the doctors couldn't. This morning I worke up and practically the problem in the side of my head, that the doctors said I had to live with the pain and take meds. I refused, instead I prayed to MY Father in Heaven and asked Him to heal me..I took no drugs. Instead I asked Him what to take and I am taking oil of oregano with olive oil..which I have been doing for over a year..faithfully thanking God for my healing.<br />
<br />
Sometimes God doesn't heal you immediately, He must see that you are truly sincere and that you will continue to be faithful to Him even if the healing isn't right away. He has tested me..trust me and I have passed with flying colors..and now this morning when I woke up..no more pain in my head, no more of this whistling like a tornado in my head..just a tiny whisper..no pain..I smiled and the first thing I said was..Thank You God for my healing.<br />
<br />
We don't need to see God to believe..you don't see me and you believe I exist as I am writing..All around us..we see the proof that God exists and the biggest one is YOU"<br />
<br />
He chose you, knew you before your parents even married, He whispered your name in your parents ears, He had high hopes for you and He hoped that of your free will you would chose to follow HIM. <br />
<br />
You didn't! Am sure He is sad and maybe even cries when He see us using our free will to follow His adversary. But, if in your heart..if there is a tiny flame, just get on your knees and ask Him to make that tiny flame burst into a huge one.<br />
<br />
You have been with Satan and you have seen what it brings.<br />
<br />
With God it is all the contrary to what you are living. <br />
<br />
I also..have no friends, I have 7 cats to keep me company and I thank God for Him giving them to me as they are all cats that I saved. I am not lonely because I can talk to My Father anytime, all His angels are there also watching over me. I'm walking in Jesus footsteps and been walking many miles in His shoes since 2 years now and trust me my life is so great. He give me all I need and I always wait for Him to give to me as He knows the best time. When it is urgent He answers me very quickly.<br />
<br />
You have everything to lose by being with God..all your misery..all your pain..all your unhappiness..and your..<br />
something happened also will be gone.<br />
<br />
It won't be easy but He will make it easy for you if you follow Him. Get to know Him..don't pooh pooh the idea..get to know Him and when you do..you will be glad you did.<br />
<br />
I'm here for you anytime, any questions..I have been there and done that and now..am happy.

I understand ... when I was there, someone told me that I was in a circle and/or cycle of insanity ( meaning ) I was trying something over and over again and expecting a different result, but kept getting the same negative result and I would never remember or acknowledge the negative results which kept me stuck in that circle/cycle of insanity ... what broke me out of that circle/cycle was remembering the pain of the negative result, which prevented me from trying that something again because, now, I was aware of and acknowledged the negative result.<br />
This, from that day on, lead me to a beautiful healthy new path.

I feel you. You are a beautiful writer, and it sounds as if we are living parallel lives. You may have just taken a major step by writing it all out. I wish better days to come for you, my friend. Remember, it's always darkest before the dawn...

I feel you. You are a beautiful writer, and it sounds as if we are living parallel lives. You may have just taken a major step by writing it all out. I wish better days to come for you, my friend. Remember, it's always darkest before the dawn...

Overcoming addiction is very hard, especially when you are in the thick of it/ it seems to be like you feel like you are drowning in your sense of helplessness. Seek face to face help. It may be a struggle to regain any sense of what you have lost by the use of this drug, but in the end, you are the only one who can make that decision. There are treatment centers, NA, CA, CMA which are all twelve step groups. If you have the capacity to reach out through the internet, you have the capacity to reach out in person too!<br />
I know that these programs can work if you trust the process, and they also will give you support. Who better to help than someone who has faced the struggle you are in. <br />
You have been courageous in sharing this with us. I thank you for that. Support is out there and you can so overcome anything with it. I wish you the best and pray you will know what the joy of regaining your sense of self once again!

What I mean is that it is not because of our goodness that we enter in to the Kingdom, it is because we see our great deficiency of any goodness and receive His Life which is the only righteousness there is. We were never good, it was only Christ in us that did good deeds, and that still is not the criteria for going to heaven. His life is the criteria and if He is in you and you in Him "you" are received.<br />
<br />
Colosians 1:26 Even the mystery which hath been hid from ages and from generations, but now is made manifest to his saints: 27 To whom God would make known what is the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles; which is Christ in you, the hope of glory:<br />
<br />
While it is true that He puts helpers in our life to bring us to the truth, but it is Himself that He wants to put in us. Read John 17.

I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean by "good boys, girl, mean, women, don't go to heaven." If not those who are good, then who? I believe I'm going as long as I continue to accept Christ as my savior and hold faith in His consideration for me and what acts I do here on earth. He is the most heavenly Father, and therefore, knows my needs, even before I do. I have faith and trust in Him and those he chooses to put in life during times of need, like now, to help pull me through and back on track, back to where I was, who I was, at least as close to who i was, as I am not a changed man because of the choices I've made.

333 - I appreciate your desire for honesty and the support that has been offered here. I was addicted also for about thirty years and have been walking into the Light for twenty-five since and the error that I found in my thinking is an error both you and your helpers have reinforced in your writings. <br />
<br />
That is, I was (am) good.<br />
<br />
The Gospel is that sinful men can be reborn by receiving a new, righteous life. That sinfulness is not acts, but our nature. We, in our 'natural' state can only hate the kingdom of God and everything we do is to kill His Son in us and destroy any light that comes to us. But then, there is God and His Gift.<br />
<br />
Recovery then is not what we seek. It is resurrection, a totally new creature, the Son reincarnate, not a twelve step process or a self help program because we are totally incapable of helping ourselves, and if we could we would only end up with an amalgamation. There is only One who is good. His gift is His Life, a life free of addiction, codependency, and failure. <br />
<br />
The receiving of that life sometimes comes instantly and sometimes through the process of spiritual education, but it never comes without the knowledge of our TOTAL corruption and impotency. <br />
<br />
Good boys, girls, men, women, don't go to heaven! When I understood this I quit trying, and received Him who came down from heaven and is taking me back in Him, as One.

see that? that wasn't nice of me to say, like I said, I'm still trying.

wow, I stay off EP for a week and get all these inspiring comments. There are too many to respond to one by one, but to all of you who have left a comment filled with honesty, hope and inspiration, I thank you. I thank you for the time you put into writing your thoughts, often quite lengthy, but that's not an issue at all. Your thoughts are appreciated, as well as the time you took to offer those words to a man you don't even know. <br />
The last couple weeks have been difficult. I've stumbled a couple times but did manage to pull back through it, give myself a mental ***-kicking, and try again the next day. I've found, over the last couple weeks, that I have more of a support system than I realized, and they are a very welcomed part of my life right now. I've also welcomed my Savior back into my life, as it seemed I had forsaken him for a bit. That was probably the scariest part of the whole thing, that with each drink I continued to consume, or with each time I got high, my faith dwindled more and more. <br />
Blue asked what it meant to be "good" and can it be an addiction. My answer is this: To me, to be good, means to a good and active Christian, meaning Christ-like, to think, do, speak, love, just as Christ would, or as close to it as possible, for we all fall short of the glory. I had lost those ways while I was in the depths of my addiction, thinking, doing, and saying things that I regret, for I would not have acted those ways if I were in my right mind, if I had not strayed from the path I walk toward God. Some of those things have left consequences behind that cannot be ignored and I am working with those issues now. Can being "good" be an addiction? Absolutely. The feeling of doing good works and never needing to wonder whom I've hurt that day, or what might come of something bad I did that day, and knowing that my love for God can get me through each day, plus the bonus of being in His kingdom one day, those feelings and thoughts can be addictive. But again, we all fall short. That doesn't mean I haven't tried my best each day. The days that I've stumbled, I didn't do my best, I gave in because I wanted to. Nonetheless, the addiction to wanting those "good" things back brought me around to make a different choice the next day.<br />
I won't sit here and say I'm a sober man, but I'm getting closer and closer to it each day, trying to get to that point that I can say "I've been sober for...." and it be a significant amount of time. But I have the support, the faith, the will, to make it happen now that I was overlooking or forsaking in the past.<br />
Conrad.........thanks for your comment, kiss my ***.

So honest. I know it may sound incongruous, but I'm actually inspired from reading this. I hit a point like that in my life for awhile. Or at least it felt a lot like you're describing. Perhaps that's why I found it inspiring: it reminds me of how far I've come. And that really is inspiring. I don't mean it insensitively though. I really hope you find a way out onto firm ground again like I did.<br />
<br />
A good friend helps. Is it possible you could go visit your good friend who's too far away? Even a visit could be grounding, if it's possible. A therapist can help too sometimes. Journaling helped me a lot. I made myself write a few pages of whatever was on my mind no matter what, every day. Really hard to make myself do. But after a few years of it, I know myself better than I ever did. I still do it, and it helps me uncover my problems before they get really big. And it helps dismantle the large ones still in my life. Piece by piece. And it's therapeutic. It was my therapist before I decided I really needed a real one. I know you're vague here, so I'm just mentioning the few random things which I can think of that helped me the most. You might also try a support group, since it sounds like you need support and they help some people. You sound like you're in some bad ruts. And it's hard to make changes because it's all so overwhelming. So start with something small. You start with a pebble and you can move a mountain. Ignore me if I'm sounding trite, I'm mostly shooting in the dark here anyways. =/

what does being good mean to you? How does it define you? It seems that at one time being good worked for you, but now you are lost. Could it be that the act of being good is also an addiction, making you feel so good that you do not have to deal with the real emotional <br />
pain hiding below the surface? <br />
<br />
What is the distinction between a good addiction and a bad addiction. Is being good a good addiction when it also prevents you from feeling real emotion whether that emotion is painful or not?<br />
<br />
You see, I used to be a good person. To me being good kept me safe. When I was growing up. My mother defined what being good was and in order to be safe from her physical and mental abuse I became her good little girl. Unfortunately, I also became a doormat, with no self-<br />
esteem, trying to please everyone. There was no real me because good little girls don't complain, don't get angry and don't get upset or upset other people, although some of those other people are abusers.<br />
<br />
Being good was the only thing that got me through a childhood filled with abuse and pain. It was the only way I stayed safe. For me, it was easier to be good and pretend that everything was wonderful and okay. In being good, I did not have to face the pain of all those "bad" emotions, anger, fear, shame and emotional pain. But, what did I do with all the pain. <br />
<br />
Then there came a time when I could no longer pretend. Being good no longer worked, because the people I was dealing with did not care how good I was. I had to face myself.<br />
<br />
(to be continued)

AS - I agree with a lot of what Unclescott says. I am a sober alcoholic/drug addict. Next year will be my 13th year of sobriety. It can be done, if I and a large number of my friends could do it, so can you. Take it one day at a time, staying sober is the most important thing you have to do now, everything else will fall into place. Take responsibility for your addiction and remember that we build walls around ourselves when we are in the addicted state and shut God out. Once the walls come down He will be right there beside you. Stay sober today - there is unfortunately no other way.<br />
<br />
Feeling with you.<br />
<br />
Pauli

wow! your story is so moving. i've had 2 family members addicted to drugs and alcohol it is sure enough a monkey on someone's back. it was very hard for them to get free but they finally made it. you can too! i know this seems like a nightmare now, but with help, you can become a good man again. just get help. you can't do this on your own.

We are all good and bad. Sometimes we attempt to be so good that we forget the opposite choice of being bad. How can we understand ourselves and make our choices if we never know or understand our dark side. If we ignore the bad things we are capable of doing they will creep up on us and can take over our lives if we do not recognize that, yes, we can commit bad acts. but we are not necessarily bad people. <br />
<br />
Once we know ourselves and that includes the good and bad we can commit to making the life choices that move us along the path to fulfill our life purpose, to do good, not evil. Learn from your errors that is the purpose of making mistakes because if we were perfect our souls would not be here in this realm still learning. <br />
<br />
BTW, the numbers 333 are symbolic of the ascended ones. Those that have reached their souls' highest potential. <br />
<br />
Take care<br />
<br />
Blue

We are all good and bad. Sometimes we attempt to be so good that we forget the opposite choice of being bad. How can we understand ourselves and make our choices if we never know or understand our dark side. If we ignore the bad things we are capable of doing they will creep up on us and can take over our lives if we do not recognize that, yes, we can commit bad acts. but we are not necessarily bad people. <br />
<br />
Once we know ourselves and that includes the good and bad we can commit to making the life choices that move us along the path to fulfill our life purpose, to do good, not evil. Learn from your errors that is the purpose of making mistakes because if we were perfect our souls would not be here in this realm still learning. <br />
<br />
BTW, the numbers 333 are symbolic of the ascended ones. Those that have reached their souls' highest potential. <br />
<br />
Take care<br />
<br />
Blue

We are all good and bad. Sometimes we attempt to be so good that we forget the opposite choice of being bad. How can we understand ourselves and make our choices if we never know or understand our dark side. If we ignore the bad things we are capable of doing they will creep up on us and can take over our lives if we do not recognize that, yes, we can commit bad acts. but we are not necessarily bad people. <br />
<br />
Once we know ourselves and that includes the good and bad we can commit to making the life choices that move us along the path to fulfill our life purpose, to do good, not evil. Learn from your errors that is the purpose of making mistakes because if we were perfect our souls would not be here in this realm still learning. <br />
<br />
BTW, the numbers 333 are symbolic of the ascended ones. Those that have reached their souls' highest potential. <br />
<br />
Take care<br />
<br />
Blue

The following is the perspective of a fellow boozer-drug head, who has some time in recovery and has been given the gift of a decent perspective which works.<br />
<br />
True, the alcoholic/addict is suffering from a disease. True that the control has been removed and true that it is an insidious situation thrust upon the victim AND their family. But this realization only goes so far for the sufferer.<br />
<br />
Truth is, an addict/alcoholic has a spiritual malady, and the first requirement is that you be convinced that any life based on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis you are almost always in collision with something or somebody even though your motives are right.<br />
<br />
The next argument usually is, "Well if I don't go get a job and help myself I won't get paid." We in recovery don't debate this, we merely say, "The difference in our perspective today is we work to earn money to provide for a family...BUT not for ourselves only. We put ourselves last, after other people and God."<br />
<br />
I belong to the twelve step belief system, which has worked for me and many others. Seek out a meeting in your area! Get connected to the fellowship and begin to move outside of yourself and towards others. This will work if you are honest, open-minded, and willing.<br />
<br />
I was once as sick as you are now. Selfish, self-centered, self-seeking, emotionally insecure, childish, and grandiose. Saldy it was not me that suffered the most but my family and friends.<br />
<br />
But because I allowed a fellow addict/alcoholic who had recovered get to know me and point out some things about myself to myself, I began to understand the gravity of the situation. Now I have the opportunity to be a decent son, brother, boyfriend, friend, classmate, student, etc... And it's a gift I owe to my friends in recovery and God. But first I had to be desperate enough to be willing to admit that my thinking wasn't working and my way of living had failed. At that point I could begin to accept a new way of life. Hopefully you can too! The twelve steps do not have a monopoly on recovery for sure. But for those of us who were/are particularly sick and stubborn it seems to be the only way.<br />
<br />
I would have loved to walk into a church, start believing in God and poof, be all better. But I had passed a certain point in my use and because of that I needed to start with people who understood. Now I belong to a church and believe in Jesus, but this did not happen overnight. It took time for the garbage to be removed through the process of the twelve steps before I could move forward with life. We call this the educational spiritual experience, as opposed to the blinding white light variety. <br />
<br />
Forgive me for the length of my reply. It's just that I am passionate about this stuff. It saved my life. Whatever you do, don't forget about how bad life has become, that may be the only thing that keeps you from going back.<br />
<br />
Cheers and God Bless.

Hey there, I can tell you we all feel some pain in life, but it is how we handle our pain that separates us from living a decent life to not leading a decent life. Have you ever noticed when you are in a good mood and smile at everything and have goodness in your heart the whole day you are filled with goodness back - people smile back, you get that parking spot right near where you need to be... just everything goes your way. It is the same thing in life -- give more and see how everything will change in your life... don't feel sorry for yourself and hold yourself accountable. Also, the past is the past move on move forward and do good things not just for others but for yourself... Trust me it is not always about you its about being apart of the world in goodness... there are a lot of good people out there you just have to surround yourself with the right ones and you will once you change who you are inside... you must believe in yourself and be good to yourself first before you can get back in your life what you really want and deserve...

I feel your pain alteredstate. I too am suffering as you appear to be. I will write my own story in this group so as not to steal your thunder on this subject. First and foremost, ignore the comment from conradstiles. This is not a place of condemenation, this is a place of support and love.<br />
<br />
Secondly, I know exactly what you are going through. Each and every day now I struggle to find a way and a reason to get out of bed. I seriously lost my way and have paid the ultimate price for it. I am so lost and alone I can not even begin to know any answers. But I am actively doing what the others here have suggested for you, and you need to do the same. Maybe we can make this journey together, mutually supporting each other as we journey out of this black hole. I wish I had all ready gone through mine, so I can tell you with certainity that there is a way out. But now i am turning myself over to trust. Trust in God, trust in myself, trust in the knowledge that immortal words of Its A Wonderful Life still ring true - No man was born to be a failure.

Hey Altered<br />
You talk about reality, well your reality as many have pointed out is that you control you. But you seem to not want to accept this. OK then let what ever evil now controls you to end your miserable existance because if you continue to exist (as you so choose to do so) you'll only end up pulling others into your pathetic mess. Stop thinking of yourself and start thinking of others and perhaps some light will shine in your dark life. I don't feel sorry for you because you can't accept blame for you being you. Stop all this nonsense writing and "get out".

Good day goodman, How are you doing?you will be amazed to here that in just a <br />
few minutes your "something happened ",can turn into being nothing happened; for behold the old has passed and the new<br />
has come. now there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. God ia faithful God and he is mighty to save. My brother it is just in the fact that you recorgnize that you cant do it yourself but GOD, it is in the power of the cross through the blood of Jesus. I have been there broe but God has redeemed me from all that captivity,in the satisfaction of the flesh. God loves you. take care and we will be praying for you.

Good day goodman, How are you doing?you will be amazed to hear that in just a <br />
few minutes your "something happened ",can turn into being nothing happened; for behold the old has passed and the new<br />
has come. now there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. God is a faithful God and he is mighty to save. My brother it is just in the fact that you recorgnize that you cant do it yourself but GOD, it is in the power of the cross through the blood of Jesus. I have been there broe but God has redeemed me from all that captivity,in the satisfaction of the flesh. God loves you. take care and we will be praying for you.

Alteredstate, I read a previous story about your Christian background. What you need above all is to decisively reconnect with God. Remember the parable of the prodigal son.The Lord isn't mad at you. He's waiting eagerly for you to return to Him.<br />
Although you don't have to have any involvement by other people to relate to Christ, the right other people can be very helpful. Are there other people who fostered spiritual growth in you in the past? Resume contact with them in whatever means are available. They will likely be glad to hear from you and want to be of help to you.<br />
You probably also need to take the gutsy step of reaching out to people you don't know. I urge you to get yourself a good Bible-believing church. Search by word of mouth for one with a really good pastor. Talk to him about your substance problems and the sex addiction you seem to suggest in your story. Pastors hear all about these things, even from people who are longtime members of their churches, so he won't be shocked. There are specifically Christian resources and programs available for substance abuse and sex addictions; many could probably be accessed online. The fact that you are as deeply disturbed about your condition as you express is a very hopeful and useful thing. If you didn't care you'd really be in trouble. By all means don't let yourself come to that point.<br />
"Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh; is anything<br />
too difficult for Me?" (Jeremiah 32:27)

Hello Mr. Good Man, I am very impressed with the eloquence in which you describe your situation. You are very intelligent and articulate. You have a gift and talent that is envied by most. In my opinion you need to celebrate your talents, and your differences. If you are not happy with where you are, then change it by playing to your talents. And then meet new people that share your interests. That is the good thing about getting older, we realize that as we change and become more aware of who we are, then people and circumstances around will most of the time change as well. Change is GOOD. But not if you don't embrace it.

AS - I have read your story and feel for you. Such is the insidious nature of addiction to drugs and other mind altering substances that seem to offer such pleasure and happiness. It's a trap and now you understand that only too well. Fighting your way out is a long hard road and I hope you make it - the majority don't. You are right - the substance controls you now and that is the danger. I have read the previous comments and agree with them all. We do have within us the ability to overcome all things and it requires taking back the control we once had. You said it yourself, you chose them until they chose you and that is the trap!<br />
As intelligent beings we either 'act' or we are 'acted upon'. We choose either one. <br />
Some of the choices we make such as the choices you mentioned - to imbibe and get drunk or to speed and get a ticket - lead to consequences and I put it to you that it is the 'consequences' that are variable not the choice. Before we get a ticket for speeding we have to get caught and it doesn't always follow. But when it does, no-one is at fault except the offender. We choose to drink and our senses are impaired but that is a consequence not a choice, and not all people are affected the same way. Some can dabble with drugs and hardly feel any affects at all and keep doing it for years, others only need try it once and they are 'hooked' but the choice to partake in the first place is always there. I do not mean in any way to sound as if I am condemning because I am not. Your pain is evident and you do not need condemnation - only compassion and help. But PN is right the choice is always yours. However your choices now have become limited because of the trap you are in. You have to take but one step at a time and narrow your focus to that which is most needful. You are being 'acted' upon and will continue to be until you choose to 'act' and take each small step as it is required. If you are successful in doing that one day you will realise that you have actually taken back the control of your own life.<br />
True freedom is knowing that no matter your circumstances you get choose how you will respond and what kind of a day you are going to have. You can have all that back but first you have to count the cost and decide if you will do it. Don't give up.

I can understand your points about control and choices. I am also very proud of you for getting help and focusing on getting away from the mind altering drugs. Just remember I love you and I am here for you if you need me.

I thank you for your unscripted and blind thoughts. It's a lot to think about, yet I challenge you back, not with a quote, but with a modern reality. Have you ever been drunk and didn't mean to kiss that person? Have you ever been driving over the speed limit and got a ticket? Have you ever been walking too close to the edge and fall off the curb? <br />
True, these are mere blips on the screen of what we control and what we don't, but they are control issues, nonetheless. You accept the fact that you were the one that made the choice to get drunk, to drive too fast, to walk that close to the edge of the curb. But it was beyond your control, either completely, or because your better senses weren't functioning correctly, that caused you to kiss that person, to get that ticket, or to fall off the curb. <br />
Drinking and drugs do that. They take away your better senses. I chose to do each one of them but sooner or later it became them that chose me, because my better senses were no longer part of the game. Surely, I would not have thrown away what's left of my life by choice. <br />
I won't ask if you've ever had an addiction to a mind altering substance. I won't even ask if someone you know has. It's not my business and it's irrelevant. <br />
Control is a concept we only think we have. In actuality, we have less than we think. We have variable change. We have what we think we will do and we have what we will do depending on each individual circumstance. I applaud those who think they have absolute certainty because, in reality, we only have variable change. <br />
Since writing the original piece, I have worked on my issues. I can hope for success. I can even try for it. I can say that I will say no to drugs and alcohol to make the masses happy. But unfortunately, I'm all too aware that nothing is certain, not sobriety, not a job, not a marriage, not a human life. The same, respectfully, can be said for "control."

I can only express how serious I will address this by saying I've taken off my glasses. It will mean nothing to you, but to those who know me know it's meaning.<br />
<br />
I first of all challenge you and some of your phrasing. Lost control of yourself you say? You always have control. "The very last of those freedoms, the freedom to choose how he will react." - Viktor Frankl.<br />
<br />
Viktor Frankl was a holocaust survivor. Wrote a book called Man's Search for Meaning. It might help aid you.<br />
<br />
Another man, nearly 2,000 years ago spoke out against basing your life on superfilious things. His name was Seneca. "The wise man needs only his own hands."<br />
<br />
Seneca describes in one of his letters to his friend Lucilius, a man who was pulled out of the ruins of a burning city by the general who besieged it and asked what he had lost. The man replied he had lost nothing, despite the death of his family, his wife, his children, his friends. The destruction of his home, his city, his entire neighborhood.<br />
<br />
If you want to improve yourself face this notion head on. You cannot lean on a crutch if you wish to succeed in being a 'wise man'. An independent man.<br />
<br />
How can you face your death with dignity, your friends with a smile, or a lover with the tenderness in your heart if you cannot better yourself?<br />
<br />
You can. You must find a means for living and apply yourself into that. That is a thought from Viktor Frankl again who seemed to love quoting Nietsche, "A man with a why can suffer almost any how."<br />
<br />
<br />
Now let me explain the glasses comment. Because I feel the need...and no other reason. lol.<br />
<br />
Without my glasses, I'm technically blind. I cannot see the screen as I type and thus I have to keep in mind everything I say as I type it without pause. In this way you receive exactly what I think as I think it, for you to think about.<br />
<br />
Have a good day or not. The choice is yours.

True. You must build your own bridge to the Ubermensch. You cannot wait for the lightening to strike forever.

not this time ;)

((fungirl smiles because she knows you are really trying and that it is not just a phrase you use to make me shut the **** up.))

me writing this today was me opening myself up and accepting what I've become and what I'm doing to myself. All I can do from here is try. I have someone staying with me right now to make sure that the promise to try isn't just another phrase but an actual action. Somehow it's easier, perhaps more comforting, knowing that someone is there either way.

Every man (and woman) choose their paths in life. Free will does not always mean we are going to choose the right path and sometimes it means doubling back to our original path to choose a different one, other times it means that we need to find a path through the woods because we can hear the beautiful brook through all the trees. The path is not always cleared and sometimes it is required that we clear our own path to get to where we need to be. If we thirst we will do whatever it takes to get to the brook however; won't we? Sometimes it is just a matter of recognizing that we have that thirst because we forgot what it feels like. I am begging you to remember what it feels like as I am here and the water is crisp and clean. There is a swimming hole just below where I am drinking the refreshing water. You just have to get through that thicket of trees and brush to get to it. Come on I am waiting.