A Hard Heart

Damn I was mean!  I wasn't initially mean but something clicked inside of me after being treated as a doormat.  I learned to place myself first and I did so to the extreme.  I had little regard (for men in particular)  and I began using and abusing them.  I wish I had better friends during that time that would have advised me to keep my heart open but be more cautious.  A closed fist cannot receive or give. My heart was a tight fist.

ichooselife ichooselife
36-40, F
2 Responses Feb 12, 2010

Its amazing how people are drawn to those that abuse them. Its the cycle of challenge that motivates people to conquer the inevitable. Some people are incapable of doing anything more than taking away the joy and happiness they saw in you. <br />
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I was hurt countless times. I walked into a relationship expecting consideration, trust, thoughtfulness and the possiblity of love. Time and time again I was crushed to say the least. I got fed up. I decided to fight back. I stopped looking or even believing in love. I decided to look out for only me and it didn't matter how anyone else felt. I hurt a lot of good people. Love was right there and I walked all over them. I put people down, emotionally abused them. I became parasitic using men and women both for what I believed they could provide. Materialistic things became my focus...what can you do for me? If you had nothing to offer me, I had no time to waste with you. Funny, I was doing quite well on my own and would overlook anyone who didn't have as much or more as I did. I was controlled by conceit and greed. Its sad how the small minded (friends I thought I had) company I kept admired this trait in me. <br />
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When I was finally loved with gentle patience. It changed my perspective on life, people and myself. I couldn't continue to live in fear of love and being hurt. Love doesn't hurt people....people hurt people. Not everyone is inconsiderate, heartless or parasitic. I'm so glad the ice melted from my heart. I'm a much happier, giving person today because of it.

Girls are not always mean. There are quite a few all around you that are kind and gentle. Good luck and thanks for reading my thoughts.