The Waiting.

I think the worst thing about being beaten as a kid was the waiting. My dad worked late and any time I got in trouble I would have to wait for hours dreading the beating when he got home. His favorite thing was to make me grab my ankles and then he would swing a board at me like he was trying to hit a home run. When the board would hit me it would hit so hard that it would literaly lift me up about a foot off the ground and about 3 feet forward. Then I was expected to pick myself up off the ground and come back and bend over again for another hit. He would do this over and over again untill he felt satisfide with himself. I didnt dare not get up and come back for fear that he would kill me if I didnt. As bad as the beatings were the waiting for them was worse. waiting for hours to be beaten with a board knowing there was nothing I could do. The fear was so bad that I wanted to kill myself to escape from it but was to afraid to try because I knew if I got it wrong and didnt die the torchure my dad would put me through would be worse than death. Well over 30 years have passed since he used to beat me but it still afects me to this day. I have a horrible anxity problem and I know he's to blame. I've read a lot of storys from this group and a lot of people wonder what they would be like if they had not suffered such abuse. I wonder the same thing. How much different I would be if some one hadnt crushed my spirit and ******** away my self confidence and self worth as a child. If my life would be better. I think it would be but I guess I'll never know. To this day I still dont understand how an adult can beat a child like that and feel good about themselves.
sinbad7277 sinbad7277
36-40, M
4 Responses Aug 5, 2010

I can really relate to you. My dad used to hit me with a belt but would have to go his room to get it. The waiting was dreadful because I knew the pain and suffering was coming. May be that's why I come to expect negativity in life situations in general. I thought of running away, but was scared to do so because if I was found, I thought that the torture would only exponentially increase.

I'm sorry. (((HUGS)))

I'm so sorry to read your story, as well as, so many others. It makes me sick to know that adults are so abusive to children. I do believe that things have changed significantly since we were children. <br />
The times have changed. Although, child abuse is still here and so much needs to be done. <br />
I cannot stand to witness a parent hitting, pulling, tugging a child so violently - it shakes my insides. Personally, I do not believe in ever hitting a child as a form of punishment. <br />
<br />
Just by sharing your story you begin to take a negative and make it a positive. By sharing your story you teach others the painful effects of what abuse does to a child, a teen, a grown adult.<br />
<br />
You are no longer the beaten child or teen. You are now free of that torment - in the physical sense. I hope you are able to finally rid yourself of the emotionally torment that has left it's stain. <br />
Only seeing yourself in a new light can you begin to heal.

I am 21 and can remember how terrified i was of my mother, I guess i still am.<br />
She used to scream at me and beat me, but more than her beatings, her screams were hurtful...As a kid i was very sick, and i feared even to vomit, because, she will scream at me again. Don't know may be she had her own reasons..<br />
<br />
I will never act like this with my kids and wife.