Not Anymore

Something in my life changed that finally made me...well, I don't want to say happy because nobody is just happy all the time. Maybe you can be happy with your situation, but in any case I'm not "happy," but I am in much higher spirits than I used to be, and I'm generally OK with things most of the time (I still have some major issues to work out, but compared to what I was feeling before I feel ******* great).

For two years I was struggling with depression. Every day I would feel completely hopeless and down on myself and the world, and on the worst days I would feel numb. You'd think that feeling numb wouldn't be bad because you don't feel anything. Well numbness is still a feeling. All energy and inspiration for life is just drained from you when you're depressed. You want to give up. Nothing can cheer you up. The last year or so in my depression I started thinking about suicide a lot. I didn't want to die yet because I was (and still am) afraid of death and because I didn't want to put my family through that, but it was getting to the point where I was playing it out in my mind, wondering how I would do it, and what I would leave behind. I remember thinking that I wouldn't be surprised if I killed myself sometime in the future. I knew that was the road I was heading down. It slowly got worse and worse.

But this change in my life has made me feel alive again. It's exactly what I needed. I was bearing more weight than I even knew because once this change came I felt so much lighter. I had forgotten what it was like to feel this way. I know I still have a long road to go, but for the first time in a long time, I can see a ray of sunshine.
AhhIdkAboutThat AhhIdkAboutThat
26-30, M
Dec 12, 2012