Release

Through my childhood I felt pain. I had no one to turn to. By my teenage years I thought of countless ways to end my hurting. Rid myself from my feelings that no one seemed to care about. What I felt didn't matter in my world. Maybe I was the problem for feeling that way. Maybe I wasn't living life right, I was weak.
I would glance out my attick window; sometimes look at the sky and realize I would be better up there, not feel so alone. Like the stars in the sky I was one of many. Ideas of doing a swan dive out my window made sence. Let my splattered body greet my monsters in the morning, but would they notice? I doubted that they'd even care. Less of me to deal with. I beat they wondered when I would just off myself, accussing me of having mental issues; never ammitting their role.
I realized killing myself would make no difference. The vision I played in my head didn't seem like much of a winning scenario. I knew what I could do to tranfer the pain, even if just for a moment. I stole one of the blades from my fathers razor. Started making small cuts on my legs. I didn't want to bring any attention to myself and I never showed much body. So I stayed to cutting my legs, working deeper, just enough to release the pain from my heart to my body. I could deal with that. The mental abuse became to much beside the physical abuse. I could live with the pain in my weak body.
My cutting would stop when I ran away but start again when I was forced back. Start...stop..start..stop. the last time I cut I was 20, took a knife to my arm..I lost the person I thought I loved and loved me. I had no choice but to ask to go back to that home. I knew how that would go over. Find away to bring me back down. After 5 years of batteling for a love that was never there I sunk back to monsters. Ended up lossing my children from their lies. Why did they want to hurt me so? I lost my world..my hope at true love within my children.
Now after the same amount of time I'm right back at the thought of self harm..to escape. I look at my arm, I don't want to do it..I'm proud that I haven't, but the thoughts are getting stronger..I have to stop myself..I have to be here for my children.
halfdead25 halfdead25
26-30, F
1 Response Jan 8, 2013

plz dont start again and im glad you have. just remember your children you have to be strong for them. you can get through this. i believe in you. an if you ever need someone to talk to or just listen just message me anytime.

Thank you it means a lot. I'm keeping the faith that those thoughts are dead and gone.

your very welcome. im glad you are. and i hope they stay that way aswell.

Been working very hard to stay away from dark thoughts and be positive in situations. but being positive is very hard when its so much easier to lose it. learning to control myself.

i believe it. i know it very hard to keep the dark thoughts away. but it worth it tho. an if this counts i think you are doing a gr8 job being positive tho.

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