the Serenity of Blood...

I never tried to kill myself. Honestly, the thought of dieing scares me. But I have thought of what it would be like if I wasn't here anymore.


I have been through a lot of stress in my life. Painful times. Always searching for a way to let it out.


I used to think that people who cut only did it to try to kill themselves. To make people feel sorry for them. Cause drama. I used to think that only until I tried it.


I was 18 and a senior in high school. The stress of trying to graduate, homework, boyfriends, parents, classmates, abuse... there was just so much. I had to let it out, and I had to punish myself for being such a horrible person.


I went to the kitchen, late one night and grabbed a stake knife from the drawer. I took it downstairs to the basement where the computer was. I stared at the knife. Then I tried to cut myself. I sawed and it just wasn't sharp enough. Just enough to leave faint pale scratches.


I went back upstairs and to the bathroom and took a new razor out of the package, using scissors to free the blades from the plastic. That was sharp enough. I went back downstairs and sliced my wrist. Once, twice, three times. A shock of red pooled out of my white wrist.


I watched the blood drip down my arm. With it, all of the pain and stress bottled up inside was released. The calmness I felt watching it stream can't be compared. The beauty of it. It was indescribable.


I started cutting a lot. One of my friends noticed my arm and shared with me that she did the same. We'd talk about how it let all of the chaos inside out. Into one simple, red, drip.


I carried my razor blade with me in my purse. If I was having a hard day at school, I'd sneak into the bathroom and cut and watch the blood. I would wear sweatshirts and many bracelets to hide the scars.


I had a bunch of those jelly bracelets and once when I was at a small party, we were all drinking and a guy was flirting with me and he tried to rip one of the bracelets off, because they're supposed to mean something about sexual favors. He ripped it off, but it opened up one of the scars and it started bleeding. I convinced him that he did it when the bracelet ripped. He was out of it enough to believe it, but it was a close call.


My dad noticed one day and he made me go to talk to a councilor. I didn't want to talk. She asked me stupid questions and I told her I would stop, just so I could leave. She didn't understand.


Finally, another one of my friends noticed. She was against the whole idea of it. She got me to spend a week at her house and watched me like a hawk. She told me that she'd never speak to me again if I kept doing it.


One night, half way through the week, I collapsed on her bed crying because of stress and depression. She shoved a cigarette in my mouth and lit it. I had never smoked before and I coughed a lot. She laughed and said to just finish it. "It's a lot healthier than cutting yourself!" As I finished the cigarette, I realized that it did calm me down. I felt bad because I swore to myself that I'd never start smoking. But, I did start. Switching to smoking instead of cutting was easier than just quitting everything.


I'm not saying you should start smoking. It's bad for you too, but at least I don't cut anymore. I haven't cut in two years, but now I'm a smoker. I'll quit smoking one of these days, but I'll never go back to cutting.

cinymin cinymin
18-21, F
4 Responses Oct 25, 2006

wow i can completely identify with this, thats exactly how i felt when i used to cut, it's good to know that other people have gone through a similar experience

oi oi oi :) KrazyKrackr or whoever you are. She said ABUSE...theres obv something else vaugly lurking there. I did the same, but I used to burn myself with matches 'cos I couldn't bring my self to do the actual cutting. It made me laugh, afterwards my girlfriend was all like "I could never bring myself to do something like that", but the only reason I did it was because I couldn't do what she did. Self harming is crazy buts its reaallll.<br />
xxxx

...Listen To Me. Please Just Listen. If You Were Having A Bad Time At School You Would Cut Yourself? Thats Just Insanity. You Can't Cut Yourself Over Every Little Thing. Cutting Over Every Little Thing Means Your Weak And You Can't Take The Pain. You've Lost At Life. Life Is A Game And You Extreamly Failed. You Hurt Yourself For No Reason. And Then You Switched To Smoking? -.-

I can't identify with your prob. here. But you did such a beautiful job writing this, just for a moment...I was you. I put myself in your shoes. You have had some sad, trying experiences... I hope somewhere along the way you've had a chance to smile!