I Just Did

I wish so much I don't do this but sometmes the pain overwhelms me and I do it to calm down. I hate the pain. It feels like a fist grabbing whole of my heart and squeezing so tight that I can't breathe and am gasping.

I can't talk to anyone, i.e., friends and family as they won't understand. To them, I appear jovial all the time. I can't say anything, they will feel uncomfortable.

Once I was in so much emotional pain, I cut my arms, thighs and stomach, making sure each cut drew blood. That was about 4 in the morning. Then I had to go to work and I found myself making small cuts at my work station. I went home and sat in the room and made a few more cuts. My arms, thighs and tummy were messed up. I lied and told colleagues, friends and family that I scratched my arms on some fencing when asked.

Nothing seems to help me get over the emotional pain. Tried walking, keeping a journal, meeting friends, etc.,  the pain is always there and it comes any time. It can come when I am out with friends, it can come when I am watching tv....it just comes and I so wish I could just switch it off.

I realise that when I'm not in so much pain, I don't bother to cut my thighs or tummy. Only my arms.

And it's becoming a ritual where I must make sure a few cuts show blood. If it doesn't, I make another cut.

It stings when I shower but the stinging sensation is mild and somewhat comforting, it helps me to focus on that pain instead of the emotional pain which I face.

You know the story of Job and how he was being tested? I know my life isn't as bad as what he went through. My old dog had to be put down, my dad had just died from cancer, my new puppy was an epileptic and would have seizures every 10 days or so and work was totally horrible as the so called team leader was totally unhelpful and the colleague I was working with was dead weight. Family didn't help by picking on me. Not that I didn't want to help out in chores but it's exhausting working and waking up at strange hours to take care of your epileptic dog. 

All those combined and drove me to start cutting.

I had to put my puppy down finally and I'm still trying to come to terms with it. I buried her and I looked at her lying there looking like she was asleep made me wish I were dead too.

I've had a pet die on me every year since 2000. I'm not even in the death business, how am I to cope with this.

And people wonder why some people are driven to cut themselves. WE DO NOT DO IT FOR FUN OR FOR SYMPATHY. It's the only way for me to take back some measure of control in my life.

I'm not a whiner, I hate the idea of whining but I have no one to talk to. I just need someone to show me how I should cope with the pain of death.

I know some people say animals are just animals but those animals were my kids. I didn't even get to say goodbye to some of them.

I miss my dad so much, I miss my pets so much. I'm stressed, I'm insomiac, I'm depressed, I get acid buildup in my stomach from all that stress.

I just wish I was never born, frankly speaking.

paperclip paperclip
31-35, F
3 Responses Mar 16, 2007

I used to cut too and I know EXACTLY what you're talking about with the focusing on physical pain rather than emotional. I quit cutting 2 years ago when I got put on antidepressants. That might seem like a sissy thing to do (to some) but realistically there are people who just can't do it by themselves because of chemical imbalances in their brains. I've lost many I've loved and I deal with a suicidal mother everyday of my life but I have a choice. There is help out there you just have to take advantage of it. I just wanted to let you know that I have been through the same exact thing you are going through and you aren't alone. If you ever wanna talk I'll be here.

I lost many animals myself. One got killed right in front of me and my brothers said it was my fault. Depends on what you believe in but you can talk to a priest. They deal with this kind of topic a lot. <br />
<br />
This site gives you ways of reducing stress: www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_relief_meditation_yoga_relaxation.htm

I love you!!! I'm here if you ever need to chat.