The Scars Are There to Remind Me

it all started when i was 11,everything got really bad(in my mind) and i was always so sad and upset for no particular reason.I started cutting myself so i wouldn't start talking about my problems,I just kept everything inside instead.
It started off with a few scratches once a week but by the tme i was 13 i was doing it at least 3 times a day.Even if i wasn't feeling overly sad,i'd still do it.
Some of my friends found out but i just tried to shrug it off.They used to make me promise i'd stop but i always broke it.
One time,my mom saw the cuts and askes me what i was doing,i just told her i HAD been cutting but i'd stopped.After that she avoided the whole subject and never asked me again.
When i went to secondary school(high school) one of the teachers started asking questions and eventually after a long period of lying and after i felt really guilty, i ended up telling her the truth.That was probably one of the hardest days of my life.
anyway,my mom was informed and i was immediatly sent to therapy(waste of time).
i made everyone believe i'd stopped cutting,even my therapist ,but i hadn't actually.
that was a year ago and since then i have only cut a couple of times.
a few weeks after i finished therapy,i realised it wasn't worth it anymore.Teachers were checking my arms, my mom was so upset about it, i'd lost their trust completely.
my friends were asked to walk me home so i wouldn't run away or have time to cut.
i still think about it alot and i'm always worried i might do it again sometime.
looking back now,i can see why people tryed to make me stop,it doesn't solve the  problems,but it does make you feel better.i used cutting as a solution to all my problems,it just made me feel so in-control and happy.
Life without cutting isn't any better,it's just not as guilty.I thought I'd be really excited and happy,i was so wrong.

keepitinside keepitinside
18-21, F
3 Responses Mar 20, 2007

I am sorryy. So Sorry I hope you will talk to me. I will listen. It tears me up that you had to deal with this alone. You are a wonderfull person I believe in you.

I started cutting when I was 12. You are lucky that you had family and friends that cared about you enough to at least try to help. I had no one. I ended up telling a middle school counselor about my suicide attempts and she basically laughed in my face. I wish my family had cared enough to get me counseling.

You are not alone. I think everybody has been in a bad place. When my son died I was so hurt so sad .It hurt. but I had to go on for my mom and dad other son. I talk to my friends to help me threw it wasn't until I decided to do it for me that I did better. I believe in you. You can do it.