Hurting, Inside and Out

Used to or still do? This time I've refrained for almost a month. But it only takes one slip up to throw your progress out the window, having to admit you're an addict again...

I know most people who don't cut don't understand that cutting is a serious addiction, in the same way I don't understand why people are addicted to other things, like cigarettes, adderall, cocaine, alcohol, you name it.. We've all got a vice: why is cutting so hard to accept as one of them?

I started cutting about three years ago. Unlike a lot of people who have shared their stories on here, many of my friends know that I do this to myself. I guess I wasn't that great at hiding it, especially with my promiscuous sexual activity and addiction to alcohol. Initially, my parents found out and made me start seeing a therapist. I was so ashamed, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt them. And I haven't felt like I've made any progress in the last two years.. I'm just really impatient.

Cutters who still cut don't think cutting is bad. Like any other addiction, we love it. It feels good. Most of the time, you can't even feel any pain, or the endorphins kick in and you actually feel GREAT!, calmer, more in control. Sometimes, usually when I'm really stressed out or have been drinking, and I don't have something sharp readily available, I'll cut myself with anything I can find. I've cut myself with scissors, knives, bottlecaps, keys, pieces of glass.. I'd go to any lengths to get a fix.

I didn't think it was such a big deal until a month ago. I was at my "boy friend"'s place, I was really drunk and we got in a fight because he caught me cheating on him. Cheating on him was just another form of self-mutiliation, because in fact I loved him and wanted to be with him. I still don't know why I did it. In fact, cutting is just one way that I think a lot of cutters hurt themselves; I know I hate myself, and often do everything in my power to sabotage my life and punish myself for being an awful, worthless *****.

Well, that night we got in the fight, I was crying hysterically, drunk, cutting, but he didn't care. He was just throwing me out anyways. And I was so upset that I swallowed an entire bottle of acetaminophen (tylenol). I didn't know what that would do to me, but I ended up in the hospital because I took well over the lethal dose: that much tylenol would kill you in a couple days after your liver failed.

At the time it felt like a suicide attempt; in the days following the incident, I wished I had just died. I didn't have some kind of life-changing revelation, I didn't come home from the hospital seizing the day and loving life. I wished I was dead. I thought about just finishing what I had started. But then I thought, I need to make a SERIOUS choice. Was I going to live? And if so, I was convinced that if I didn't make a promise to myself to get better, that I would kill myself, if not right away, then eventually.  

Since then I've stopped drinking, stopped sleeping around, and even stopped cutting. I used to cut on my arms but the scars were too noticeable so I started on my ankles. Even now I get questions from friends I don't know that well, and I feel so ashamed. If my parents found out I still did it I would just die. I don't know if I can keep up not cutting and doing self-harming things, but the thought that if I don't I might lose my life kind of keeps me motivated.

That's the hard part: convincing myself that life is worth living. But I just try to think: it CAN be better than this, you can get better, you can actually be happy, for once, yknow? Maybe if I keep telling myself that, one day it will come true...

persnickety54 persnickety54
18-21, F
3 Responses Mar 22, 2007

So you get a mental "rush" when you cut?

As a person with no addictions I can tell you why we don't understand. We see you hurting yourself and we think "I would not want to hurt myself". It's as simple as that. We can be sympathetic, kind, caring, but we won't ever actually understand. I avoid all forms of pain. The idea of inflicting it on myself makes no sense. So I can only wish you well.

I know how you feel.Everything is going well and you haven't cut for a while and then you realise you really need to do it again.That happened to me for years.When you're fully ready,you'll be able to stop,but it takes time.