I Used to Like to Feel "It"

i am 44 years old; when i was 8 years old, i started cutting myself. i never did it for "attention" but i did it all the time, so it was noticed . i cut myself up until i was 30, when i lacerated my ulna artery and almost died. i quit then because the doctor i had was a jerk, and i never wanted to deal with anyone like him again. i still never knew what the cause was; i knew i thought it had to do with letting out pain. then on this past mothers day it was shown to me; an epiphany of sorts...i was going through some really bad emotional pain w/ my daughter and i had depression real bad and i basically shut down. i couldn't do anything. then a friend said she knew what would make me feel better; a guy in her apartments was a tatoo artist and she would pay for me to get a tatoo. i already have 7 or 8 of them on various areas of my person, so i am no stranger to tatoos. but i got this one on my NECK and it was the most painful tatoo i ever had done. but i felt alive and invigorated after and it was a really good feeling as i recall. i figured out that why we cut is this... any PHYSICAL pain is easier to deal with and better than the pain we feel from the emotional damage inflicted on us by our loved ones. it is that simple.
breezybidj breezybidj
46-50, F
2 Responses Apr 4, 2007

honey i know how bad you are hurting. i know this might sound so cliche', but it really is true. you need to talk to someone. over time that will help. i see someone at least every other week and that helped me. i havent cut myself since 1991. i never did it for attention. but you can get help dealing with the pain and emotional trauma you have. it is real and it won't go away until you get some help. even if you want to write to me...i am not a counselor but i have been there. so journal do something to expel that poison.<br />
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i wish you so much love and freedom from the pain.<br />
<br />
breezy

I'm 37 and still cut my arms on a regular basis, I've never done it for attention, because most of the time I'm careful to hide it and generally no one finds out, unless I'm careless and then it gets round like wild fire, but the scars are still there for all to see, the most recent ones are still very noticeable.<br />
I can only say that I am total agreement with you about why we do it.<br />
I am in so much pain inside, it tears me apart, so the only way that I can cope with it is to suffer some sort of pysical pain, that way my arms hurt more than my heart .. for a while at least