It Kept Getting Worse And Worse...

I still remember the very first time I ever cut myself.

At the time I was around 9 or 10. My parents were living in the same house as my brother and I. And my parents hated each other, to say the least. They were constantly yelling and fighting. Sometimes my mom became violent.

I was raised in a Christian household. So mom was like the devil to me.

My brother and I took my Dad's side for everything. Everything was always my mom's fault. Always.

My mom was always put down for everything by my brother, me, and my dad. This forced her into a dark hole called depression... And it didn't make it any better she had extremely high blood pressure.

She was a b****. She was constantly yelling and throwing things. My dad was always threatening to leave, and so was my mother.

I was caught in the middle of it all, and I was expected to take my Dad's side on everything.

It was Hell.

At age 9 I had to switch schools (4th grade). It was when everything started falling apart.

I was bullied everyday for being Christian and a "goody two-shoes". I was the teacher's pet and the nerd.

And yes, this made everything worse.

In 4th grade I wanted to feel loved by my parents. I wanted to feel like they cared about me, instead of just screaming at me all the time. So I started trying to injure myself. I took hammers, heavy books, and even jumped off of things to injure myself. Nothing worked.

So I fell deeper and deeper...

During the same going into 5th grade, I started developing bad anger problems. I was still trying to injure myself and this is when I noticed that it released anger and made me feel better. So one day I was do mad, I went upstairs and found scissors. And I cut the tops of my arm... I continued to do this through 5th grade.

In 6th grade things got terrible. I entered to middle school.

I continued cutting, but only on occasion. And I kept seeking the attention from my parents I wanted. One day I was riding my bike (in flip flops) in hope of getting hurt.

And I succeeded. I flipped over the handlebars and ripped off the end of one my toes and had to get it stitched back.

I finally got some attention from my parents. And I wanted more.

Soon the injury turned into a personal thing... Not something I wanted anyone to know about.

Cutting deeper.

I started having suicidal thoughts. I made plans to kill myself every waking moment. I was being tormented at school for being "emo" all the time (they meant sing sad and dressing in black all the time). And my parents were ruining everything. My brother treated me like some f****** piece of crap. My grades were dropping drastically. And I was broken beyond repair.

I was ready to go. I attempted suicide maybe once.

This was around December of 6th grade. But then I made some decisions in my life and things seemed to get better...

But then in April my mom left.

And things got so bad...

And my cutting got deeper and deeper.

I became addicted.

I couldn't stop. I found myself hoarding blades. I was cutting multiple times a day.

I would stab needles and blades through my body to release everything I was feeling.

And then I had to endure a traumatic even that I'd rather not mention and it only got worse from there.

I was depressed again. And about to commit suicide.

My dad was so stressed all the time. So was my brother.

Neither of them could cope with the situation either.

It was living Hell. And I couldn't escape.

In 7th grade I began to heal emotionally.

I started cutting less and less. It was so hard. Everytime I had the urge to cut, I would pinch at my skin HARD.

Eventually I stopped cutting.

I realized that it was better to stop because it was destroying my life and cutting hurts more than it helps.

Just because I don't cut anymore doesn't mean I don't feel like the way I used to.

I still had bruises. I still have scars. Emotionally and physically.

"Scars show is where we have been, but they don't have to define where we are going" ~Unknown

Stay strong, loves. It's a tough world out there.


An Ep User An EP User
Jan 9, 2013