The Harder Years

I admit that I used to be a cutter. Some people say once you are a cutter, you never go back to being normal. I started to feel really sad at the age of 12. My grandmother/best friend had died suddenly, and I had nowhere to turn. I didn't have many friends. After I was in Jr High, I became a loner. I didn't have much friends at all, then I had some who walked out of my life, or acted out and I didn't have time for it. I started learning about my friend's problem with cutting in 9th or 10th grade. I still remember saying, I can't believe you would do something so stupid. I'll never do anything like that. I was wrong. I was in high school, I got made fun of every day. I had noone to turn to. The friends I did have walked away without any reasoning of why. They didn't care. They didn't want me around, so why should I be around? Right? Well I took this idea from my friend, and I started to cut myself as well. I still remember the first time I did it. It hurt, but felt alot better than everything else I had going on in my mind. My family was torn, everyone was going their own ways. This was my escape, my sweet escape. After I was working at a retail store at the age of 17, I met who is now my best friend, or at least one of them. She was the first person I ever told about what I did. I trusted her, and I have alot of trust issues, but with her it was different. She excepted it, and helped me figure out why I did such a thing. I hadn't stopped. I promised her I'd try, but I never really fully stopped. How could I? I knew what I was, and there was no turning back. At least not until someone in my school went to the councelors office at school, and reported me for cutting. That's when my parents found out. They never knew before that day. They were so disappointed. They didn't understand. But the truth is, they didn't want to understand. I was caught during my senior year. My friend begged me to stop, but I couldn't, until I saw the hurt in my mothers eyes, and how much she lost her trust in me. I didn't cut again for months. I still do sometimes, when I'm feeling really low and down. I have a friend I work with, who I look up to greatly. I told her. I trusted her, and I don't trust many people. But I haven't even told her I've done it again. It's not something that I'm proud of. It's just something I do, when I can't take anything else. I admit, I also tried to kill myself once, by taking an overdose of medication. Obviously it didn't work, but it sure scared the **** out of me that night. I was afraid I was going to die, and never see anyone again. I never did anything like that ever again. Now I graduated 2 years ago, I work fulltime at a bank, and since high school, I've become a smoker as well. I used to smoke because I thought it was cool, but now I'm addicted, and I don't wnat to stop. NOt yet anyway. Even my smoking doesn't take the wanting to cut away from me. I fight off the feelings sometimes, but on occasions, they win. I still have the scars on my arms. I always will. They will remind me of my past. But when you are so down and low about your life, and you think this is the only way to solve anything, how would you know any differently? If I could turn back time, I never would have started cutting. But it's easier said then done, right? I'm 20 years old, and on occasion I still cut, and have to hide the cuts from my boss so she nor my friends see them. I wear bracelets so noone knows. But I'm sick of hiding. I know I need help, and I've tried therapy. I will never go back to therapy again. NEVER! That just made me want to go hang myself in my room. I'm not going to pay someone to go sit in a room while they tell me they know how I'myou feeling. Screw you, you don't know me.  If I knew how to make these feelings go away, I think I'd be okay. But I'm sick of being alone. I always feel so alone. Even if I'm around alot of people, I can feel like the only person on the planet. If I can make those feelings go away, I think I'd be okay.
emobrat emobrat
18-21, F
Jul 11, 2007