Beneath me

I started cutting to remind myself of the pain I felt. I would draw a straight line on my forearm and watch it turn red. I didn't have the balls to push the blade in too deep, but the semi-soft lines I made still left their mark. Like a tally board they started to add up and I would cross each of the four lines to make a count of five. I only did it on one arm, the left one. Why? because I had more control of the blade with my right hand. I'm not aware if there is a right or worng way to cut. That would defeat the whole purpose. I once knew a girl who cut on her lower stomach, right above her pelvic region. She chose to do it there so no one would see, yet she freely showed me.
It was winter at the time and my sleeves would conceal my marks. But I would always feel them there, wherever I went. That was the point. I wanted to feel and see them all the time. I wanted to be reminded of each mark and its purpose, each had its own meaning. I've stopped since and now I'm left with scars. There not completley visible but if you look closley you'll find them. I sometimes wonder if the person I'm with will ever notice them. Will they love me enough to examine my every inch and ask what happened to my arm? Will I trust them enough to tell them or will I end up pulling away and making up some lame excuse. I started with the intent of wanting to remember certain pain and recorded it into my arm. Now I'll always remember, whether I want to or not.
Lonneke Lonneke
22-25, F
3 Responses Jul 13, 2007

try to tell the one ur with, that way ull know if he can look beyond what u did. be open if u want to be with him. very good job on resisting the urge though :)

Yeah, I cut too. Right now I am trying not to. I have gone over 31 days without cutting. I have scars on my left arm mostly. A few times I had to get stitches. I do have to make up stories about my scars when I wear short sleeves or tank tops in public. I was in a psych ward in October 2007 and I would bite myself. I pick at my finger nails and toe nails till they bleed. I just get fidgetty and can't sit still for long. I am in some mental health program and they know that I cut and stuff. We are all working on it together. I live in some group home type place and the police have had to come 5 times cause I would cut myself and have to go to a hospital or psych ward. I was always hand cufffed and shackled. Ugh....I was in the State hospital. They said if I started to hurt myself, they would ***** me and put me in some gown and strap me to a bed in the Quiet Room. It was more of a threat by this one mean staff. She didn't like me. I don't know why. I was 20 when this happened. I am still 20. Well, I am better now. Hope you get to a point where you can try and stop hurting yourself. I have to try every day. My therapist has me have a calendar and every day I don't cut, I get a star. If I cut, I get an X. If I go for 1 month without cutting in a row, then I get a prize. One was a free ride to see my family in another far away city. That was cool. Take care.<br />
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does anyone know? have you mentioned this to your should