Old Habits Die Hard

everyone has problems. i know that some are worse than mine, a lot worse. but this past year i lost myself. i cut for the first time when i was 12. it was out of anger and frustration and it helped calm me down. i never truly thought about what i was doing, yet it was something to turn to. after a while though, i stopped. not for a reason, but because i basically forgot about it. this year i started doing new things. hooking up with guys, drinking, and other teenagery things like that. i made new friends and lost old ones, but in all this turmoil i found myself feeling out of control and sad. there were nights i thought i would never laugh again. simple jokes people said putting me down or teasing me about things killed me inside. i wanted my pain to somehow be real so i started cutting. my legs my arms but always managing to cover them up. then, in a fight with my best friend she yelled that she cut and on the spur of the moment i confessed i did to. she completely flipped out, telling me i only did it for attention. she said such hurtful things that night... making her problems seem so much worse than mine, like i was making a big deal out of nothing. i went into a frenzy of cutting, half to prove to her that i would and half to take out my self hatred. i bled so much i almost passed out. as the year went on i went from cutting every night to cutting a couple nights a week. it finally got to the point where i only do it in extreme siuations. i still cut. i know i shouldnt but its how i deal with the pain in my life. its gotten better and in the future i can definetly see myself being cut free.
to all those people out there that are just starting to cut or thinking about it: dont start. its an addiction. eventually you wont want to wear shorts over your bathing suit or say "that damn cat attacked me again." youll be sick of making excuses and hiding. you will regret every cut.
dont start.
cheerbabe123 cheerbabe123
18-21, F
1 Response Jul 30, 2007

i can honestly say that ive been there. im 20 years old now. i started when i was 17 or so. it was just something i did. just how things were. i know what you are going through. i fight it every day, more than i let on to anyone. only difference with me was my best friend is the one who helped me stop....just didnt think 2 years after that, it would completely void out what she helped me with. i was a very dark child. i was bad. guess part of me always will be. but i do know where you are coming from.