My Story

My entire childhood, I was sort of out of it.  Never really was aware what was going on around me.. Too such an extent that I didn't know what day of the week it was... I just went where people told me to go, when I was told to.  It wasn't until much later that I realized that it wasn't simply being unobservant, it was just that I was numb... Numb to life.  My life was too hard, too painful to actually feel.  I started cutting to feel. 

When I was thirteen I had a major breakdown, my mother told me that I was the worst thing that had ever happened to her, her greatest disappointment.  With no one in this world to love me, I decided it would be best to leave this world.  At the time I was no where near rational enough to actually comprehend what I was doing.  But that was the first time I had ever cut.  I had taken a piece of glass and cut myself on both my wrists.  It was no where near deep enough to be the least bit life threatening, I didn't know it at the time, but I didn't actually want to die.  But non the less it was my "suicide attempt" after that I realized that I didn't want to die, and I am very glad, that I was dumb as how to actually kill myself. 

But it occurred to me afterwards how much better bleeding felt.  It was as if my whole life I had had pain inside, that no one acknowledged, "stop complaining about your life, you have it so much better than the poor starving kids in africa" people would tell me.  So the pain that i felt, I was told wasn't really pain at all, I was too suck it up, and get on with life like everyone else. 

When I cut myself, it was something real, something solid, it was proof.  I had blood to prove the pain I had felt inside all those years... I continued to cut for years after that, my arms and legs still have scars.. I haven't cut since I was 17, which was 4 years ago.  But there have been some nights.. where I had the knife, and had it on my skin, wanting to do it so badly!  It is very addictive..  It still is the first thing I want to do when something doesn't go my way. 

I managed to stop cutting though, because I managed to change my life, little by little, and learn to love myself more and more.  Now days it is a whole lot easier not to cut, I've found other ways to deal with the problems in my life.  And my skin is a whole lot happier for it.  :) 
Lucid Lucid
22-25, F
5 Responses Aug 5, 2007

I self harm, i havent stoped and i dont know if i am readyy too. I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story

im glad u stopped too! i still get tempted to cut my wrist but i remember the promise i made to mum not to do it anymore.. i only do it when i get hurt by people.. but yeah i hate the numbness feeling still got it a bit writing helps alot thanks for ur story!

--"stop complaining about your life, you have it so much better than the poor starving kids in africa"--<br />
<br />
i hate it when my parents say that to me. alot of people have life better or worse than others, but it still hurts the same.<br />
<br />
btw this is a good story, im glad you stopped ^-^ keep up the good work

the numb-ness is horrible. sometimes i was grateful for the pain 'cause it proved that i was still alive.

I've had the same problems and your story somewhat reminds me of me.<br />
It's amazing how at the time you don't think it's bad. It's really good to hear you changed your life and stopped something i hope i do soon.<br />
Keep it up, Good luck =)<br />