Addicted

it all started about 2 and half years ago. i was in year 8 at a private school and i was having all sorts of problems with my friends. some hated me, some hated my best friends, some were spreading really nasty rumours. My friend told me she had started cutting herself after her parents divorced. at first i was worried and kinda confused as to why someone would do that to themselves. she told me it got rid of the pain she felt inside. i thought nothing of it for the next few weeks but one night after a really nasty fight with my dad i cut myself for the first time. only a few tiny cuts on my arm, nothing big. i thought i could get over it but i was wrong.


as time went on and as things got much worse i started cutting deeper and more often. My best friend and i would cut ourselves and compare what we did the next day. to her i think she was just doing it to copy me but to me, it was becoming my obsession.


i was cutting once or twice a week. then 3 or 4 times a week and soon enough it became 3 or 4 times a day. i was obsessed. as soon as someone said something hurtful to me i would go into the school toilets and cut my arms and wrists. One day a teacher noticed the cuts on my arms and made me stay back after class. They made me book an appointment with the school counsellor but i never went. i was only at the beggining of year 9 at this point. the same teacher held me back a few more times and finally wrote a note to my home room teacher and thats when i got forced to the counsellor.


i told the counsellor nothing. i didnt wanna be there. they told me some techniques for stopping but it was useless. as soon as i was out of there i went and cut myself i was so angry. When i got home that day i was in a really bad mood and this caused another fight with my mum which forced me to cut myself again.


about halfway through the year my best friend and i fellout with each other and stopped talking and this crushed me so much inside. i was so angry, i blamed myself for everything that happened even though it wasnt my fault. I started cutting even more but i wasnt feeling anything anymore. i staretd using a sharb razorblade and once i used that i started feeling again. the pain was the best and only release i had.


this went on for another 6 months and things started to get better at the beggining of year 10.i had a new best friend and things were fine. i stopped cutting for about 2 months and i thought i had beaten it but once again i fell back into the habit. School work was stressful, the teachers hated me and someone i considered a friend betrayed me and started spreading rumours about me. the cycle started again and to my surprise people were noticing.


two occasions stand out in my mind. i was sitting in english one afternoon with my sleeves rolled up. my arm was resting on the desk and one girl yelled, not said, yelled "OH MY GOD WHAT'S WITH THE CUTS ON YOUR ARMS" i was stunned. i couldnt reply as the whole class looked at me. i tilted my head down and went back to my work as the class muttered to each other. it shattered me. i just wanetd to scream and cry, i wanted to tell people but they were all so judgemental.


another time i was catching the bus home and my friends little brother was sitting near me on the bus and yelled out "whats with the cuts on your arms, YOU'RE A CUTTER" and thats when the emo names started and that was painful to listen to.


this continued all year and i couldnt take it anymore. i never tried to kill myself but i thought about it on a daily basis. i thought of so many ways to kill myself. i just couldnt bring myself to do it. i didnt wanna die but i didnt wanna live. it was a difficult situation. after i was finished year 10 i left school. i was sick of all the name calling and teasing.


i went and did a course on something i was interested in and for once i was happy. i stopped cutting for about 5 months but for the third time i started again. theres was this one girl in my class and she was saying nasty things about me behind my back and seeing as there was only about 10 people in the class word went around fast and i became an outcast in a way. the cutting started again but it wasnt as bad and luckily it didnt last as long this time. i finished my course about a month again and havent seen the girls since. i havent cut in about 4 months. i dont know if im over it or not. i still have the odd day where im tempted to cut but i havent given into that temptaion and im not planning to anytime soon. i never wanna go back to the person i was when i was addicted to cutting. i was sad, angry, happy and depressed all at once and it was hell for me and my friends to go through. for anyone that cuts you have to tell someone. it helps to talk, believe me.

dearlydemented dearlydemented
18-21, F
20 Responses Aug 25, 2006

I have a grand daughter who cuts. I have read that it is quite addictive and relives pain. She is a beautiful young lady who uses pain to relief pain. She has had a difficult time with a dad who was not the best. Her life isn't perfect but it seems most of her pain comes from being an adolescent in high school with lots of kids who just feel it is okay to hurt other people with words or rumors. The thing I want to say is cutting isn't the way to go. Get help to deal with life because there will always be hurt in your life. Judgmental people are everywhere. You need to find a way to express this hurt in a different way. Write letters to the people that hurt you and build a bonfire....let the hurt turn to ashes that blow away in the wind or are released into the earth. You are strong, you are beautiful, and you will be what you make of yourself. Someday you may marry and want to raise children, children who will be one day the same age you are today. Do you want them to cut themselves? Find a better way! And remember you are beautiful and no one can take that away from you, unless of course you let them and cut yourself. Peace and Love! <3

I know how you feel. When people started to notice the cuts on my arms, they started to call me emo. It didn't help that I wore black a lot, and tons of eyeliner. God, I want school to end so badly. Thank you for sharing your story.

im in yr 7 (yes i know my profile says im 13-15 but so what?) and ive got called emo even in yr 6 just for the way i looked and dressed ,and when i moved up to secondary school the name calling got even worse so i got upset and one night i cut myself, not too deeply but deep enough that it hurt alot, one of my friends does it but alot deeper than me but nobody in school noticed because she wears lots of bright clothes and people dont call her emo like me. but if i ever have my sleeves rolled up people constantly stare at my wrists to see if i cut myself.<br />
nobody knows that i do it exept for 3 of my closest friends.<br />
ps the friend that cuts herself has to see a therarist now.

I really wish I'd known you.<br />
I used to cut.. I haven't for about 6 months but keep on getting tempted. I've had the blade in my hand but.. I get so ashamed.<br />
I wish there was someone who you could legitimately help.<br />
But no one's there.

Hi im Tammy im 15 and i cut myself i had some friends cutting and my ex bf use to cut so i tryed it and i liked it i carrie my blade with me to school, when im shopping, and even when i go out with my parents and well my mate seen and she told soem ppl then it got aroudn school but i didnt mind because its my arm and my body so they can get stuffed and i keep my blade safe in my bag i been cutting for about 5 mouths now and my parents ask what happend i just say a cat or i fell down the school staies and there where glass at the bottom and they belive me lol my fridnds tell me to stop but i dont i just carrie on its my choice and its helps me alot and i will never stop cuttinf i know all the dangeruse and that but i hope that you stop cutting its not healthy and its very dangeruse and if u like it then u will become addvite to it hope this helps from Tammy

i know where your coming from...im 13 and i recently cut my arms 5 times i think about it dailyy ... i have scars and i just went them to go away i dnt like cutting i think its horrible im not going to do it againn.. im very preppy i just dnt know wat made me do itt... i just feel like crying sometimes im so ashamed of myself because i know im better than that this feels so good to finally let my feelings out that ive been holding deep inside please no one judge mee... i will NEVER cut myself againn...

been there, one thing you have to realize is that if people say bad things about you, you dont have to feel bad. They have nothing better to do and refuse to grow up and leave you alone. This too shall pass and you will eventually get older and your friends and associates older and not be so worried about what people say or think. Guilt about certain things will make you try it again, but just keep telling yourself that things always get better.

and i havent done it in like 4 weeks so im doing pretty good on stopping

yeahh ive cut myself to and i still do every now and then like one time the guy i was in loooooove with he broke up with me and i carved i hate myself in my arm and i have about 13 cuts going up and down my arm and its really hard to hide them from family and other people especially in the summer when its swimming and tank tops and i cant stop bc when i feel and see the blood escaping me its like the pain is going with the blood right in the trash. my friend cut herself with everything with the metal on a hairbow and earrings and she carved a star in her leg with a penicil in her leg one day at school and its horrible but at the same time it helps so much and i cant stop bc it makes me feel better so i just want you to know i know how you feel and your not alone trust me.

i feel the same exact way. I have been cutting for a year now and things have been soo tough. I am too the point that i cut multiple times a week. It sucks i try too stop and i have made it like six weeks and then i got so overwhelmed and cut deeper than i ever did. Im scared that if i stop for a long period of time and then go back too it my cuts are going too be amazingly deep. I am soo addicted too it i cant stop, i talk too a therapist but it hardly helps. Im only fourteen and i have probably gone through more **** then ppl go through in there whole lifes.

hey good job I understand, i have only told one friend about my previous obsesion but i think that people found out anyway i know how much it hurts to have people find out something like this a the consquences. I agree with justXOlisten, i know this sounds retarded coming from a 15 year old but i started to smoke which really helped me in stopping. I also learned not to care what other people thought, and currently have barely any friends some people can live like this but some cant. I think the hardest part for me is that i do not know anyone that compare to me since i know no one else in person that has ever cut. I wish you the best of strength and that you will never cut again.

I love what small flower is saying. Sure - help others where you can. <br />
Lots of kids don't know why it is happening to them and you are much wiser now and could offer a bit of helping hand and guidance that others has no way to receive otherwise.

hey<br />
good job<br />
your free from the pain<br />
listen to ska:]

I used to cut when I was in middle school too, but not to the degree that you are talking about. I actually used to take a pin and just scrape the skin. I burned myself a couple of times too. I understand your frustration and your panic, but at the same time, that feeling that the world isn't going to move, or change, and that you are stuck in this state of stillness. I know how bad that sucks. I am glad that you are doing better. Keep sharing your thoughts here and get some support in RL. Perhaps by being a mentor to others who are still cutting, you will find some pride and leadership in helping others help themselves. Best of luck to you.

Thank You For sharing your story.

that sounds kind of like what i am going through exept you have it harder but the longest i have gone is 3 weeks. things caught up to me, and i relized i chould stop. But i havent yet... No one at my school found out about me, but schoool got so bad that i stopped going and now i am home schooled and that is helping.

Keep hanging in there and try to find something else to put your pain into. Trust me this isn't the way to get rid of your pain.

I used to cut as well, when I was the same age you were. I had a mohawk and was this crazy punk kid, so no one ever associated me with the emo label, thankfully. I used to tell myself that I did it because I thought blood and scars were cool, well to be honest I still think that, but not when you are the one causing them. I remember balling my eyes out wanting to die, dicing my wrists up and trying to will myself to cut deeper and deeper... it was horrible. I would wipe the blood on my clothing too, or even use a fountain pen to write and draw with it, I was a little ******! Life gradually got better though, and the only self harm I've inflicted on myself in the last six years has been through tattoos and piercings. Most of the old scars have faded, and some have even disappeared completely... but I still feel ashamed when people notice them. Congrats on getting out alive, you should consider that part of your past a valuable life lesson.

Dose it bother you when you meet a guy.. Do you feel you have to hide your arms from him? Do you worry about his reaction and his perception of you when he eventually would see those scars?

having a good n understanding best friend is a great way to feel better. and sharing ur experience is a better way to reduce the pain.