It all started in the spring time 6 years ago. i found some broken glass on the side of the street in my neighborhood and decided to give "it" a try, little did i know that "it" was going to evolve into something more. to me it felt good. i did cat scratches, then it progressed into something out of control, with knowing my father abandoned me and my mother before i was even out of the womb, made me feel unwanted, and that's when "it" became my friend. i began going deeper every time i felt overwhelmed. this lasted for 3 years. it got worse in high school. i felt as though so much weight was on my shoulders and i got overwhelmed so much more, trying to be the "perfect"daughter, sister, girlfriend, student, person. nothing was ever good enough. i cut myself so deep that i ended up passing out, waking up to my mother splashing cold water on me telling me i was going to be late for school. she had no idea what had happened. i mean she found out i cut the summer before high school started, but she thought it was a phase. i cut, and cut everyday, until i met this boy, we dated for 2 1/2 years we recently broke up 3 weeks ago and then everything went wrong. before i dated him, i cut everyday but i stopped just for him. 2 days ago i cut myself more than i ever have before, instead of using 1 razor blade i used 3. i didn't want to go to the hospital, i was out to kill myself, all the weight upon my shoulders is getting so hard for me to bear anymore. i am a senior in high school and i should be happy that i only have 4 months till i graduate, and 4 months till i join the army. but this is the worst it has ever been, the wound is open and gross. i dont know what to do anymore. im addicted to this but i know if i continue i will end up dead. The worst part about it all was a few weeks ago when i cut, i went online, my mom left her messenger open, and she told her friend that she feels that she has failed as a parent. That she feels like she should be staying up all night watching me making sure i am alright, that she cant even get any sleep because she thinks i will die in the middle of the night. i dont know what to do anymore. i cant go on living depressed, overwhelmed, and all these other emotions meshed together all the time. i want to die but i dont. i dont know what to do anymore, it feels like im invisible, like nothing will ever be normal.

treehugger10 treehugger10
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 12, 2010

You need to talk to a psychiatrist. I went through this just a few months ago myself. I was diagnosed with PTSD post traumatic stress disorder. It helped to know what I was dealing with and why I was cutting myself. The scars stay but that feeling that you have of emptiness and the feeling of being a failure can go away. The urge to cut myself still rears it's ugly head but you can control it!