Behind Me

I started small.  I was hitting myself, causing bruises.  First with just my fists, then I would use any object I could find.  My favorite was a five pound hand weight.  My husband of course started to notice.  It was summer time and I tried to hide behind long dresses.  Then the hitting wasn't enough.  I started to cut, using box cutters or rasor blades.  Then I tried burning myself with lit ciggarettes, nothing caused any pain like the pain I had inside.  I guess my husband had enough because one day my mother was here and the trips to the psychiatrist started!  I was on so much medicine I couldn't stand on my own.  My husband put me in  retraints at night because he would wake to find me beating on myself.  This was about  eight months ago.  It took almost four months for me to stop and today, I barely broke skin but I enjoyed it.  I felt better.  I have been off my meds for atleast four  months.  I am a mother of four and a nurse, crazy right?

Mothercutter Mothercutter
31-35, F
1 Response Feb 24, 2010

ironic, yes. crazy, no. what's hurting you?