Left Arm Preference

It's weird, I can't stand having my blood drawn but give me a knife and a bottle of booze and I could donate to the Red Cross on a regular basis. I thought I only did it when I was drunk but I've found myself in these deep pits, these black holes of depression. For some reason dragging that knife up my arm helps release me from that black hole. It brings me back to reality. Once, twice, three times the entire length of my forearm. Deep enough to drain the blood but shallow enough to keep it from bleeding uncontrollably. I'm still depressed, but at the same time, I feel much better. Until I was caught.

A friend of mine saw the fresh scabs on my arm and she new immedatly what they were from. She slapped me across my face, it wasn't a hard slap, not even a red mark. Just enough to let me know how it made her feel. Funny thing is, that made me want to go cut again. It's horrible. As much as I prefered my left arm, it was one of the worst places that I could do such a thing.

I began to explore later that night, my chest. No one would know. No one could see or feel with the cuts under my shirt. I was on to something.  Five and then another made six. Six times I attempted to release the pressure from inside. There's much more blood this way. I cleaned myself up. I don't want to kill myself, just make the pain go away.

aphrade2btru aphrade2btru
22-25, M
2 Responses Mar 14, 2010

I usted to cut my self(and still do but much less often), I can tell you that at least for me it got worse as the years went on. I always felt a sense of calm after cutting, untill I almost killed my self with out even wanting to. My cuts got deeper and deeper and needed more and more stitches to treat, untill as I said I came very close to being dead the last time. I also became friends with a girl in my collage class who told me after we became friends that she cut her self, and by knowing her I saw how it hurt to know someone who hurts themselves, I understood, but it still I felt upset,and sad when she told me about her "slips". And this helped me see how much I was hurting the friends who found out about my cutting. I don't have any advice on how to stop as much as I wish that I did, but please, please try find a way that works for you before you end up with scars at the least. If I can do anything to help, feel free to message me. <br />
Good Luck.

I'm so sorry that you still cut- I'm sure you know there's help available & please seek it- I find that when i'm feeling self destructive now, I just drink & gamble myself into oblivion, sometimes hit walls & things, just hurt myself enough to know it still works. But the scars I have from cutting are my biggest shame. Please realize at least that...