Im That Girl......

She sat on her bed. Head phones in her ears, with music blasting through. Her thoughts swarming through her head. She looks at her arm. And just stares for what seemed like forever. She hears a yell from downstairs, her mom calling her for dinner. She puts on a sweater and heads down stairs. She smiles, and sits down with her family. Thinking this will be the day she tells them. But as she looks around the table at their happy faces she decides she would keep it to herself. Not wanting to be the one who causes the family pain.

Later that night she finds herself surrounded by friends. They're all laughing. She laughs along with them. Her hand in her pocket, holding on to it tight. Laughing though her hurting heart.

She tells her best friend. And she says she understands, and that she did it before. She decided that she would confine in her friend in her time of need. But her friend doesn’t seem to understand or help.

As the night ends she finds herself in her room. With a razor in her hands, slashing it through her arm, she closes her eyes not wanting to see it happen. She opens her eyes as she sees the blood slowly, pour out.

Her parents don’t hit her. She has friends. She was never abused or raped. So why does she do it? What is so bad that she would want to harm herself? If you ask her she’ll tell you its complicated. But I know the truth. She hates herself. She feels ignored. She feels like no one can understand. She wants help, but she can’t bring herself to ask. She jealous of her friend. It seems like everything is perfect for her.

She wants a better life. And she doesn’t know how to make it better.

She’s in bed tossing and turning. Unable to sleep. She lies on her back and looks at her arm. She asks her self why she’s doing this. She sobs into her blankets. Being quiet, trying not to wake up her parents. She knows if anybody found out, they would be so upset and mad. She has self battles in her head. Making her feel crazy. She wants. She needs for someone to save her. But no one ever will. So she cry’s herself to sleep hoping tomorrow she’ll wake up being a different person. And that she will be ok and better.

The only problem is. She wakes up feeling exactly the same as she did the night before.
And her days keep repeating themselves over and over again.

She looks in the mirror. And I can see my blue eyes full with hurt. I look down at my arm and see the new marks, I just put there 20 minutes ago. And I wonder. Why am I doing this to myself. But deep
down I know. Because I’m that girl.
laurie37 laurie37
18-21, F
2 Responses May 22, 2012

Describes my life, I had a great family, lots of friends, all that jazz but it didn't matter. I sat on my bed every night for years needing it to fall asleep, needing it to get through the day, needing it to control whatever I felt inside. My parents and family had no idea from 12 to 17. I was 17 when they got a phone call from the hospital that I had been admitted into the ER, they were shocked, confused, and hated themselves for not knowing.14 years later, still want it, still need it, I just don't do it. It took 10 years, two psych wards, therapy, and presc<x>ription drugs to finally stop. 4 years without a cut. I hope your as successful.

Hey, Im sorry you're feeling this way.<br />
<br />
I have another friend who has cut herself.<br />
<br />
She's a really awesome person to talk to.<br />
<br />
I mean I want to help if I can. :)

Thank you :) I don't cut anymore, i just wanted to write down what i felt at the time. Writing really helps me.

Ok im glad :) I feel the same - about writing things down.